Secrets and Lies and Pronouns**

**Edited to add: Post your secret anonymously in comments!! A few people did already. It's getting juicy!

I have a friend who was a lesbian for four months in college. She says she ended the secret relationship because she couldn’t face what life would be like if she were in a same-sex relationship. The discrimination, the looks, the gender-neutral pronouns, a giant part of society stacked up against her. It’s overwhelming. And she wanted kids and couldn’t imagine how to make that work without a man. So she stopped thinking about women and continued dating men and got married, had the children, got to use the “he” pronoun. She never told her husband and certainly not her family, who, she said, would not be supportive. She didn’t tell most of her friends. It is this huge secret.

For all intents and purposes she seems happy, not filled with regret or remorse. But who knows what lurks. We never discussed it again, after the initial disclosure.

But I am obsessed with people’s secrets. Saturday I was at a bookstore and flipped through that Post Secret book. It is fascinating. See for yourself. These people have huge, life-altering secrets, like “I don’t love my husband” and “I slept with my best friend’s husband” and “I embezzled tons of money from my company.” All of our lives would be so different if all these secret little facts about us were exposed, and not anonymously.

Anyone who feels like anonymously posting their secret in my comments, go ahead! I can’t trace anonymous comments. Well, I guess I could but I am not about to go through that effort. I would do it too but I’d be the only one I bet and then everyone would know it was me! Besides, all of my secrets are coming out little by little on this blog.

More randomness: I am sure this metaphor has been made before but I think our personal driving styles align with the way we live our lives. For example, Nicole drives almost competitively. In the city, she switches lanes a block away in anticipation of moving from the lane with turning traffic. She switches lanes on expressways to pass slower cars. She takes alternate routes when she runs into traffic. She listens to the traffic report. Me, I am happy in one lane. I don’t need to switch lanes, even if I am behind a slow car. And listening to the traffic report is pointless, as I won’t alter my route anyway.

Maybe the Lexapro is affecting my concentration because my thoughts are all scattered like this today. Secrets and driving metaphors and doctor’s appointments. The other Lexapro side effects du jour: Dry, dry, dry skin, crazy, crazy, crazy dreams (about giant snowflakes and being attacked by a man with a bat) and still a decreased appetite. Maybe six cups of coffee and no food is a bad idea.

We are so tired today because the girls both woke up around the 3:00 a.m. hour. That is the worst time to get up because it is too close to the regular wake-up time. So it essentially means the day begins at three. The girls got back to sleep but the damage for us was done. I am exhausted right now. I look at my two girls and wonder how I can possibly be of any use to them today.

Pictured above, Madeline, who carries all of her toys with her mouth. Yes, a spatula qualifies as a toy. It is the cutest thing. And smart, too.