Monday, January 28, 2008

Secrets and Lies and Pronouns**




**Edited to add: Post your secret anonymously in comments!! A few people did already. It's getting juicy!

I have a friend who was a lesbian for four months in college. She says she ended the secret relationship because she couldn’t face what life would be like if she were in a same-sex relationship. The discrimination, the looks, the gender-neutral pronouns, a giant part of society stacked up against her. It’s overwhelming. And she wanted kids and couldn’t imagine how to make that work without a man. So she stopped thinking about women and continued dating men and got married, had the children, got to use the “he” pronoun. She never told her husband and certainly not her family, who, she said, would not be supportive. She didn’t tell most of her friends. It is this huge secret.

For all intents and purposes she seems happy, not filled with regret or remorse. But who knows what lurks. We never discussed it again, after the initial disclosure.

But I am obsessed with people’s secrets. Saturday I was at a bookstore and flipped through that Post Secret book. It is fascinating. See for yourself. These people have huge, life-altering secrets, like “I don’t love my husband” and “I slept with my best friend’s husband” and “I embezzled tons of money from my company.” All of our lives would be so different if all these secret little facts about us were exposed, and not anonymously.

Anyone who feels like anonymously posting their secret in my comments, go ahead! I can’t trace anonymous comments. Well, I guess I could but I am not about to go through that effort. I would do it too but I’d be the only one I bet and then everyone would know it was me! Besides, all of my secrets are coming out little by little on this blog.

More randomness: I am sure this metaphor has been made before but I think our personal driving styles align with the way we live our lives. For example, Nicole drives almost competitively. In the city, she switches lanes a block away in anticipation of moving from the lane with turning traffic. She switches lanes on expressways to pass slower cars. She takes alternate routes when she runs into traffic. She listens to the traffic report. Me, I am happy in one lane. I don’t need to switch lanes, even if I am behind a slow car. And listening to the traffic report is pointless, as I won’t alter my route anyway.

Maybe the Lexapro is affecting my concentration because my thoughts are all scattered like this today. Secrets and driving metaphors and doctor’s appointments. The other Lexapro side effects du jour: Dry, dry, dry skin, crazy, crazy, crazy dreams (about giant snowflakes and being attacked by a man with a bat) and still a decreased appetite. Maybe six cups of coffee and no food is a bad idea.

We are so tired today because the girls both woke up around the 3:00 a.m. hour. That is the worst time to get up because it is too close to the regular wake-up time. So it essentially means the day begins at three. The girls got back to sleep but the damage for us was done. I am exhausted right now. I look at my two girls and wonder how I can possibly be of any use to them today.

Pictured above, Madeline, who carries all of her toys with her mouth. Yes, a spatula qualifies as a toy. It is the cutest thing. And smart, too.

74 comments:

SJayneI said...

Well, I'm not quite brave enough to post my deep dark secrets; sorry. But, I do hear you on the sleep; I don't think babies understand the impact the timing of their middle of the night wakings have on us. GoodLuck today.

Audra said...

I love the post secret. I read the website every Sunday. It almost makes my secrets feel a little better. Or sometimes I can really identify with them. It oddly makes me feel more human.

Anonymous said...

I have a few secrets may get brave enough to post another later today or tomorrow.

I slept with my best friends husband while they were still married. I also slept with her while she was still married to him. Neither know.

K J and the kids said...

One of the reasons I hit those notorious talk shows during the day at naptime. so that I can listen to other peoples "secrets"
like...I slept with your brother and this baby is his. or I strip on the weekends and I want to join a cult.

I have no secrets.
Well I have this one but I'll never tell :)

I thought FOR SURE this was the day you'd reveal all.
humph

Dee said...

I also thought, by your title, that today was the day you would reveal all. Oh well.

I'm racking my brain for a big juicy secret and can't come up with anything. I know, hopefully my wife doesn't read this. I'm a shopaholic. And I keep secret money in order to indulge. There was a time I had no money stashed. So I went to a check cashing place and did payday loans. On several occasions, at least 5, and the people there knew me by name. Keep in mind, we make good money. I just didn't want my wife to know I was spending more money then she realized. At least it's behind me and NO ONE knows about it. Except for everyone who reads your blog! :)

Finally, the pics are ADORABLE! Love that she carries everything in her mouth.

nailgirl said...

I have two secrets that I dont tell. One of my big life altering secrets I have already divulged in my blog, so that is no longer a secret.

Anonymous said...

My secret: In my last relationship I kept a secret fund that I put money in for years. And when we broke up, which I knew we would, I took all of the money.

Anonymous said...

I purposely got "lost" on a hike with a friend who I wanted to be more than a friend. We ended up spending the night in my small tight sleeping bag, all huddled together to stay warm. Sad thing is we hooked up a little but then she didn't ever mention it again. A win lose sitaution I guess.

Anonymous said...

I am married to a woman, and tell myself that I am bisexual. I fear that I really am just straight. How do I un-come out of the closet? How do I get divorced?

I am sticking through it, because she pays all the rent, and I am too broke to live on my own.

Anonymous said...

I have a huge crush on someone I was assigned to mentor (not a kid--we're in the same grad program & she's slightly older than me). Half of me is desperate to ask her out (she's queer, single, adorable, the same religion as me, etc.) and the other half doesn't want to put her in the miserable situation of turning down someone she's trusted to advise her. Ugh.

Anonymous said...

We used donor eggs to conceive my daughter and now that she's here and I cannot imagine loving anyone more, I don't want to tell her because I'm afraid she might think I'm not her "real" mother and I cannot bear that.

Anonymous said...

I am currently TTC our 3rd child but am not blogging about it because family read my blog. I know it's not that juicy, but it's killing me not to post about it. I am currently in my 1st TWW, should know by Feb 5.

Anonymous said...

My friend, who was my roommate, met a famous actor at a bar/club. He took her phone number and promised to call. He DID call and left a message on our phone answering machine (yes, this was pre cells). I was so jealous I erased it. She still talks about how he didn't call her. He is even more famous now.

EGGS IN THE APPLE said...

Wait- did you say you don't listen to traffic reports? Wow. That's impressive.

I can't think of a deep dark secret. Or-maybe I can and will post it in like 80 days.

Twins birth class was pretty good-went on a little too long. I will get off my a$$ and write about it.

Anonymous said...

While participating in an unnamed, but frequently abbreviated teaching program with a summer training component I had a one night stand with the advisor/mentor/teacher of my group. :-)

Anonymous said...

Sometimes I'm afraid that I don't love my wife nearly as much as I should. I think that I would leave her if I found someone better.

Anonymous said...

We are trying to have a baby. On some days I am more afraid that we will than I am that we won't.

Anonymous said...

When I spot a friend or co-worker randomly in the street, I pretend I don't see them so that I won't have to have a conversation.

Anonymous said...

Our sex life could be better....

Anonymous said...

My partner and I have been TTC for many months. We took some time off and I have been ready to start trying again but she is not. She said what will I do if she decides she does not want kids. I say nothing, but deep inside, I know I will leave b/c having kids means more to me than anything. I can't imagine not being with her, but more than that, i can't imagine not ever being a mommy. AHHHH!!

Anonymous said...

I have a fear that I will find out that I have a horrible and deadly disease any minute now and then I will suddenly realize why I never got a chance to have a baby.

--------

I have so many regrets. So many. SO many.

Anonymous said...

I was with a woman for years who was with another woman. This was a secret. We finally got together, this woman and I, and now we have a child. Just for curiosity, I slept with the woman that she was with for all those years.

The big secret? The sex was better with her ex than it is with her.

Anonymous said...

I'm gay. I've been in a relationship with someone for 11 years and no one but she and I know. It is so unbelieveably and incredibly hard. It would destroy our familes and damage our careers if people knew. Watching my thirties pass me by without having kids has been painfully difficult and there are many days that I just cry it out but we both realize that there is no other way. Life is so hard but I adore her.

Anonymous said...

I have lost faith in some parts of our marriage, in some parts of my husbands' personality and dreams. I am terrified of the future because I know these parts will never change.

Anonymous said...

I am tired of the rollercoaster of this relationship. She says, she is not sure she can do this... again... okay, so my secret is FINE WITH ME! I DON"T GIVE A SHIT ANYMORE! I am tired of trying to be perfect not to piss you off and I'm tired of walking on eggshells and I'm tired of feeling like I have to put my life on hold. I love her so very much, but love should not hurt like this!! If she leaves, I WILL survive!

Anonymous said...

i had an abortion five years ago. because i felt too weak to deal with having a baby and the father (not in my life anymore) told me i would be an unfit mother. i have still not dealt with it. i have a baby now and i spent my entire pregnancy feeling like i *deserved* to lose him and now i am not enjoying his babyhood because i still feel like i deserve to lose him.

but when another woman has an abortion, i never ever feel like she did something bad, or deserves anything bad to happen to her. only me. go figure.

Anonymous said...

One of my closest friends, S., died in December. Just a few hours before she passed I said some really bad things about S to another friend (they also knew each other). S was really ill and we knew that she would die very soon, but I still had to say these bad things.
I feel so SO bad. And sad.

Anonymous said...

I often think that my partner may love me more than I love her. I worry we won't be together forever. Sometimes I think that if we ARE together forever it might be because I am settling. Other times I think that the only reason I feel that way is because I'm stressed out.

Relationships might be much easier if they came with a crystal ball!

Anonymous said...

It's taken me years to recognize that my best friend really is straight and that the way she loves me is different from the way I love her. I wouldn't want her to suffer the difficulties of being gay and coming out.

She has a wonderful boyfriend now, and I'm honestly thrilled for them. But I'm still sad for me.

Anonymous said...

My partner and I don't have sex. We have been together for a long time and when we met our sex life was normal, then, after about 2 or 3 years, nothing.

Anonymous said...

I still think about her when I masturbate in the shower. Shower time is her time, bed time is his time.

Anonymous said...

I'm female and have a fairly popular blog and write often about my fiance' as "he". None of my readers know that "he" was born a woman... thank you testosterone!

Anonymous said...

My husband and I grew up in rural Idaho. We moved to NY 11 years ago, and are now trying to have children. No one in NY knows that we are 1st cousins.

Anonymous said...

I feel horrible when I wish that my kids were my husband's only children and I wish that I didn't have stepchildren. I think that makes me a horrible person because I wish it often even though I know its not the children's fault.

Anonymous said...

I lied. I didn't grow up in Idaho. I have no husband.

Anonymous said...

Okay, I had an inkling that the first cousins from Idaho thing was made up.

My best friend from high school's husband (then boyfriend) made a pass at me a long, long time ago and I never told her. Nothing happened - he kissed me and I was not interested. I didn't tell her because I thought she'd somehow decide it was my fault and would pick him over me.

Anonymous said...

I actually know a couple that are 1st cousins. They have no kids, but apparently it is okay.

Anonymous said...

The more and more I think about it. I really wish I could leave my wife. How does one go about leaving someone? On one hand I fantasize about what life would be like if I lived the straight side of me, and the other is dreadfully sad at the thought of no longer being with her.

Anonymous said...

when times have been hard, and I'm feeling insecure about the stability of my marriage with my wife, I've wished she would die in an accident. Because then I know I'd end up with full custody of our kid. But if we just separated the best I could hope for is joint custody and that would mean that my kid would be living apart from me half the time, and would eventually probably learn to call some other woman mom.

I'm such a bad person.

Anonymous said...

three:

i always lie. usually very small lies to very slightly alter the truth to make me look very slightly better. it's like a compulsion - i can't stop. i even lie when i don't mean to.

sometimes i think it would be easier if my mom died. and then i feel like a horrible, worthless person for engaging that thought. but it was my #1 childhood fantasy - being comforted by a grownup who i loved after my mom died.

i also have lack of sex problems. my wife and i have sex but not a lot of sex. sometimes i think it's easier to masturbate. it's hard to be creative after 10 years with the same person.

Anonymous said...

I don't believe in God. I've never told anyone. I feel nauseous admitting it.

Anonymous said...

I really think that it's just a matter of time before I got really crazy. I'm on the edge. I'm white knuckling it. I will break one day soon. The hardest part is that I have little kids that need me. But it's all too much. They just need too much.

Anonymous said...

I am a closet alcoholic. Recently my husband discovered just how much that I can consume in a week, and he was very concerned. I worry that my liver will give out and I will die leaving my young children motherless. I have tried to quit but I cant seem too. I really dont want to though.

Anonymous said...

I cheated on my husband twice. Once before we were married, and then after we married. The second time I fell deeply in love with the love of my life who also was married. The affair lasted 6 months while I was pregnant with my husbands baby. I was heart broken when it ended. It took me almost two years to get over it. I would have left my husband for this other person, but his wife was starting to get suspicious so he ended it. We did alot of things socially with this couple, but I just quit seeing them after my baby was born. I never really liked the wife too much. I mostly fell head over heels for the husband, and basically let him come to me. He thinks the affair was his idea. My husband has no idea to this day. The guy that I slept with.... He may have been the love of my life but he was absolutely horrible in bed and had a little wiener.

Anonymous said...

I've been in a live-in relationship for almost four years. I fantasize about leaving the country and meeting the man I've been speaking with online for the past year. I think he's the right one.

Anonymous said...

1. I read blogs, especially infertility blogs, and I have absolutely no idea why. No one knows this.

2. I am married and also sleeping with my best (female) friend. I am crazy in love with her. I am in normal love with him. Some people know this, including our spouses. I thought I loved sex with him, until I discovered her. This part, no one knows.

Anonymous said...

1. I read blogs, especially infertility blogs, and I have absolutely no idea why. No one knows this.

2. I am married and also sleeping with my best (female) friend. I am crazy in love with her. I am in normal love with him. Some people know this, including our spouses. I thought I loved sex with him, until I discovered her. This part, no one knows.

Anonymous said...

does this count??

secret blog...

www.raisingtwins.wordpress.com

Anonymous said...

I read this one blog every day. The person is hysterically funny. But what gets on my nerves is how all of her readers tell her how great that she is. I want to tell them to shut the fuck up, but secretly I am sooo jealous. I want to be idolized by many.

Anonymous said...

My husband is over weight and grosses me out. His hygiene is poor too. I feel like I always have to nag him to bathe. I am obsessed with bossing him around about his hygiene. Why dont you go take a shower etc. He constantly smells like ass because he is so over weight.Like I said i am obsessed with it. If I was severly over weight, I would be so anal about my hygiene. It has affected all aspects of our relationship.

Anonymous said...

One of my closest friends is pregnant AND getting married in two weeks. I am so jealous I can't be happy for her. I am constantly dreaming about not having to go to the wedding...

Anonymous said...

My father molested me. The only person who knows is my husband and obviously my father . My parents are still together and we always do things together. I feel bad because my husband has to pretend that no one is the wiser when we do family activities.

Anonymous said...

I hate my best friends husband. At a low point, he took advantage of me and my mental state. It was years ago but I still can't look him in the face. Even now, he tries to get me to do things with him (flash him, give him a BJ). I haven't, but it doesn't stop him from trying. He looks at me and it scares me. He makes comments when I call her house and he answers the phone and she is not there. I want to tell her. But I can't. I don't want to hurt her.

Anonymous said...

I hate my best friends husband. At a low point, he took advantage of me and my mental state. It was years ago but I still can't look him in the face. Even now, he tries to get me to do things with him (flash him, give him a BJ). I haven't, but it doesn't stop him from trying. He looks at me and it scares me. He makes comments when I call her house and he answers the phone and she is not there. I want to tell her. But I can't. I don't want to hurt her.

Anonymous said...

I am a closet binge eater and don't know how to stop. I need help.

Anonymous said...

I am straight and married but I love reading blogs about lesbian mothers. I currently read 4 every day while at work. I don't read them on the weekends at home for fear that my husband will see.

Anonymous said...

I am terrified that my best friend will get pregnant before me. I mean, I know it will happen that way (I have major fertility issues), but I am scared that I will be so bitter and jealous. The funny things are that I have a child already, I don't think she and her partner are going to work well together as parents, and I really don't feel a need to rush to get pregnant. It just gets to be a race even when I don't want it to. Fuck, infertility sucks.

Anonymous said...

I have a few secrets, but one of them is that I honestly believe that I am smarter than most people. If it makes me seem any more likable, I will also add that I don't think I am as attractive as most people. I guess I'm a curious mix of self-doubt and intellectual snobbery.

Anonymous said...

I am married and have been since i was in my twenties, so long ago. I have always since I can remember felt a huge attraction to woman. My husband knows this about me. I have never even kissed a woman, but I am dying to know what it feels like. I fear that it is too late, and that a woman wouldn't find me attractive enough. If anything ever happened to my husband, I would definetly seek out a woman to have a relationship with.

Anonymous said...

I love reading these, this is my 3rd secret comment. I wish I knew who the binge eater is, because I just realized after 10+years that I am a binge eater.

Anonymous said...

Oh and did i mention that I read numerous lesbian mommy blogs? I also would be too afraid to reach out to a woman, and too embarrassed. So I have to resign myself that it will never happen. I feel a deep kindredness to lesbians, they fasinate me.

Anonymous said...

Wow I have posted five secrets i didn't know that I had so many.

Anonymous said...

I fear that when my wife and I do have kids, she will be the mean mom. She is overly agressive with our pets (always yelling at them for things they really can't control, etc) and I fear that will carry over to our kid(s)

Anonymous said...

I am truly madly deeply in love with my wife (we're both women)and know I want to spend all my future years with her, and she feels exactly the same way about me. We have a great relationship with amazing sex that is even better than it was when we first got together years ago.

Partially this is because we have made a great effort at maintaining intimacy but.....the secret part is that we have another lover (also female) who shares our time and our bed with us.

It's actually a really healthy relationship but we don't tell many people because of negative pre-conceived notions about polyamourous relationships, because we don't want people to think that there is something wrong with our pre-existing marriage, and um, because one of us is a local famous gay.

Anonymous said...

When my friends get pregnant I don't feel happy for them, I just think that it should have been me. I usually stop hanging out with them or reading their blog.

Anonymous said...

My secret is that I can't read blogs about people who are TTC. I can see how people get incredible support from having their TTC journey documented. But as a person trying to TTC, it is so painful to live through my own journey. Reading about others seems to make me more afraid that this will never happen.

Anonymous said...

I love that me and my wife are attractive, feminine lesbian moms. I know it's mean, but when I look at the blogs of unattractive or really masculine two-mom families, I feel bad for the kids. I'm sure they are good moms, but I still can't help myself.

Anonymous said...

my partner and I had an intimate relationship with another woman that lasted over 2 months. She had just broken up with her partner and needed some physical comforting (they hadn't had sex since before their toddler was concieved). My partner and I ended the relationship when we realized that we were both getting too attached to the other woman and thinking about some sort of poly relationship. She was only looking for sex from us and it started hurting too much.

I still miss her. And I haven't felt that sexy in years.

Anonymous said...

A little background: I have been married and divorced twice and am currently in a relationship with another man for going on 2 years. In both of my marriages, I was permitted to "play" (kiss, fondle, and in some cases much more) with other females but in the relationship I am currently in, I am forbidden. I accepted this restriction and haven't done anything behind his back since we've been together.

My secret: I am not sure if I can just give it up like that and stay in this relationship. I like women and am attracted to women...much more so than men. Truthfully, I've wondered if that may be part of the reason why I've never done very well in the relationship department.

Another secret: I follow probably 15 lesbian mommy blogs.

And one last secret: I have an online lesbian friend I am attracted too and would probably consider seeing her if we weren't seperated by 3 states!

Anonymous said...

my partner (who I love dearly) is overweight and it has affected our sex life because i am no longer sexually attracted to her.

Anonymous said...

My partner and I have been together for 7 years, we haven't had sex in almost 3 years. She wants to, I don't. I love her very much but I have absolutely no sexual desire whatsoever. NONE. I'm thankful that she stuck around, but I'm worried about our future. I don't know how to turn on my libido.

Anonymous said...

I read a lot of different blogs, and there is one in particular that I love. This blogger has had a rough year. I just want to hug her until I can't hug her anymore, and the snuggle with her.

Sometimes I fantasize about moving off to Kansas City and leaving my life to be with her.

I am so crazy.

Anonymous said...

I'm following up my previous comment. Pretty sure I'm pregnant! I say pretty sure because today is day 29 of a normally 26-29 day cycle. I have had hCG boosts and that might have skewed results. However, the lines are getting darker not lighter, and I had very scant implantation bleeding on day 24(10dpo). Clinic will not do a beta until Friday to ensure all of the hCG from the boost is out of my system. ARGH!!

Anonymous said...

There are times I just want to leave and go somewhere where no one knows me and start a new life.I am tired of being a wife and mom at times and just want to be just me.Does my wife know I feel like this no. I feel unfulfilled in our sex life too. I am good and she well lets just say I feel like I am left hanging alot to finish on my own. That sucks more than anything.