Thanksgiving North of Orlando and South of Jacksonville

Thanksgiving in Florida is like this: We have seen a bald eagle; we saw herons fly over the lake and got up-close-and-personal with one in Alligator Alley; and we witnessed 16,000 lizards scampering. Oh, and weird white spiders. I have been to Target 43 times and I go to the supermarket every day to wander in awe up and down the mammoth aisles. These stores have frozen food sections bigger than the entire food stores I shop in in the city. I bought a Paula Dean magazine because she seems to be all the rage down here, but I can't get past how every recipe calls for a stick of butter or a vat of oil. She has a recipe for a peanut butter trifle that is insane. Does she have special medical health secret? Because I don't know how it is possible to live on the PD diet and not clog arteries, gain 50 pounds or reduce energy reserves within two weeks.

The girls are having the best time and are reveling in all the space they have to roam in. The are sleeping well, in cribs side-by-side. After every nap and in the morning we notice that all the toys, pacifiers and blankets have somehow moved over to Avery's crib. We are not sure if Avery is using her power of persuasion or if Madeline is offering them. Avery can now moo, woof, meow, hiss and brrr (like an elephant). Madeline makes these sounds as often. Most interesting is that Avery also barks Christmas carols. She learned this from her stuffed dog that barks Christmas songs.

Both girls have become obsessed with balloons. Both are trying to repeat words we say. Their biggest "first" this week has been a trip to Santa. We forked over $24.99 or $19.99 or $22. 99 for two 5 by 7s that I could have taken myself. Tis the season to spend money ridiculously I guess. I'll post that picture tomorrow.

I am lugging back to New York several purchases, including five pounds of fondant, flannel polar bear pajamas, Christmas underwear, monkey pajamas for the girls and a cookie sheet. Everything down here is so much cheaper. And it is 10 times easier to shop when you have a Nana and the other mom with you.

Nicole and I managed to go out to eat alone one night (i had a wedge and rosemary chicken) and tonight we braved the cold to go down to Alligator Creek or whatever it is called so I could practice taking pictures with my tripod. I am trying to really really learn aperture really really hard.

Does anyone have any insight into Mad Men? Is it worth buying on iTunes?

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

I Can't Stop Thinking About All This

It seems like everyone in this country is waking up after a long, deep sleep. This political season, combined with the lovely recession and failing economy and rising gas prices and foreclosures run amok, has us all paying attention.

Everyone is concerned about this Wall Street bailout, it seems. Where is the money going? Who gets what? Why do corporate bigwigs get huge bonuses? How dare they drive nice cars and expect our tax dollars to bail them out? I am in the middle of the road here. On one hand, it is wrong to punish success. So some people get big bonus and special privileges derived form making lots of money — is that not [part of] the American Dream? Work hard, we say, and you can be what you want. A lot of pressure on a six-year-old’s tiny shoulders, but still. Don’t we teach our children in school that they can grow up and be anything they want? Or do we tell them that they can be whatever they want but if they earn to much money or get too successful then, well, we will hate you and resent you and throw stones at you?

But this whole accountability thing, where is the money going, why now? Why aren’t people asking that every year, round the 15th of April? Our tax dollars fund public schools, many of which are failing spectacularly so. Why aren’t we up in arms over that? I am not sure what the exact statistics are but I think less than half of students graduate in NYC. I, like everyone else, hand over a significant amount of money every year (well, now only via Nicole) so where is that going? Why is the school down the street from me failing? Why do I have to look into private school and consider paying a ridiculous tuition because Down The Road isn’t an option? But — and this might be controversial — if my two children are not taking up seats in the public school down the street, shouldn’t I get some sort of tax credit?

Economics are complex, so much so that I feel like I am watching an episode of Law & Order: The plaintiff presents and I believe then, and then the defendants present and I believe them. I can swing either way. In this country, the “ways” are republican and democrat. And I have to admit that this political season, I have been questioning many of the ideals that I hold. Some of the republican theories on economy make much more sense than the democrats. As much as I want to believe in social programs and social welfare and all that, it is clearly NOT working they way it should. I want everyone in this country to have health care, but I am afraid of what happens if the government runs that. Obama talks about raising taxes for corporations, but this, it seems, isn’t the answer. If we raise their taxes, they will just pass that on to We the Consumer. Tax Mobil more and they will make gas more expensive for us. Tax airlines and they will pass that onto us too.

But — and this is a big but — I am much more liberal than the republican party. I believe in gay marriage and would support a constitutional amendment saying that men and women can marry each other. What can I say: I have a vested interest. I believe in a woman’s right to chose and believe that making abortions illegal will not taper the number of abortions, but rather make them more unsafe. I believe that this whole right to own guns thing needs to reevaluated. Assault rifles, anyone? (And yes I realize if we made gun-owing illegal, then guns would fall into the hands of truly evil people who would use them to kill and thus create a scary underground ring.) I could go on. The thing is, though, I can’t wrap my mind around the social ideology of the republicans, the religious connections (somehow I end up as a sinner in almost every religion), and my second-class status.

The republican party, it seems, wouldn’t want me murking up their waters. But the democratic part is flawed too. So what is a girl to do?

Nicole has a Town Hall meeting tonight so I am on my own with the girls all day and night. I am hauling them out to Long Island and then back home for pizza. I have been overwhelmed lately with the concept of winter and being cooped up for a season, but that is another post for another day.

Anyone catch Five Under 5 last night? Way to represent, ladies!

Pictured above, Halloween last year and then this year. What a difference year can make! Understatement of the century…

My Heart Going Boom Boom Boom and Set Your Tivos

My Heart Going Boom Boom Boom and Set Your Tivos

Well, I am glad no one listened to me and said nice things anyway. Thank you so much for your advice, words of encouragement and connections. I, like most members of the human race, appreciate empathy and need and crave validation and praise. Nicole provides that for me, but, alas, praise from a partner is a double-edged sword: Too much and it is diluted and too little and it is an issue. I think we are in the too much category because when she says those things I think, yeah right. Besides, I have never been one to accept a compliment gracefully. How can she think that I am doing a good job when I can barely manage to vacuum up the giant tumbleweeds in this apartment? Or when she comes home to daughters with yogurt crusted in their hair? Or when I call her daily at 4:59 p.m. and ask when she is leaving? And she isn’t the most equitable observer: After all, if I asked her if I was doing a good job, would she never say “Well, actually, you are doing horrifically.” What is going to do? Fire me?

Yes, we need a babysitter. Badly. We have known this for a while, but I am so stubborn and often stand in my own way. I put the brakes on because the idea of idea makes me so uncomfortable. It feels like an admission of failure; it is a leap of faith for a control freak like myself; it requires me to step WAY outside my comfort zone. And no, I don’t think those who use babysitters are failures, flippant or foolish. But don’t we all hold ourselves to such harsher and different standards than we do others? Barnard has a babysitting service and I will look into that after we get back from Florida. Yes, I am putting it off, but at least it is on my to-do list.

I have been listening to Solsbury Hill on repeat ALL morning. Such a great song, but maybe unhealthy to hear 70 times in a row.

This morning is better, if only microscopically so. The thing about having kids is your really don’t have the luxury of dwelling very long in an existential pit. Actually, that maybe isn’t just a having-kids thing; it is a age-related thing. Back in the day, I could go round and round the same circles of emotions with little collateral damage. But now I have a much bigger incentive to figure to out and move on. It gets tiring after a while.

The day started at 4:45 a.m., as usual. As I was getting my coffee, I stepped on an Elmo game in the kitchen that screeched “TRY AGAIN.” This is how my morning began. How appropriate. I love when lessons and metaphors pop out of nowhere. I spend so much time trying to make sense of it all and look at that: The answers and mantras are sometimes right in front of my eyes, no digging required. Later, the girls ate a great breakfast: Scrambled eggs and a banana and grapes and Cheerios, which makes me feel like they deserve a Noble prize for eating such a balanced meal or I deserve a Nobel prize for providing one. It’s the little things.

I took myself to Slumdog Millionaire last night. Such a great movie. Go see it if you can. For two hours, it really puts one’s life in perspective. It has a great soundtrack too.

One of our own will be making her television debut on Wednesday! I complain about how hard two can be: She has TWO sets of twins and an older daughter! I read how she handles it on her blog, and can’t wait to see in person. Well, sort of in person. I wish she lived near me so I could have her on the list of people I intend to visit but never do (I really need to work on my taking-the-girls-on-the-road thing). It’s called Five Under Five and it is on the Discovery Health (channel 115 here in NYC) at 8:00.

The girls are really quiet, which is never a good thing. Last time that happened (yesterday) a roll of toilet paper was destroyed.

Warning: Whiney, Bitchy, Pissy Post. Not for the Faint of Heart.

It’s been 17 months and I am still overwhelmed. Two kids at the same time is just plain hard sometimes. I am not the mother I thought I would be, and that is killing me. I want to take them to the Children’s Museum and the park and the indoor playgrounds and gymboree things and all of those child-centered activities but I am completely unable to do it by myself. The girls run in separate directions at the park; you can’t use a stroller in the Children’s Museum and most Gymboree classes require one adult per child. I am facing a long winter cooped up in our apartment and that scares me.

I need a new stroller. I am just coming to grips with the fact that there is no ideal twin stroller and we are going to need different strollers at different times. I found the perfect stroller, one with great reviews and one that I have test-driven and one that will serve us perfectly for at least the next two years, but it won’t fit through the front door of my apartment building. It fits in my elevator and through my apartment door but not the effing front door of the building. Foiled again.

So it is back to the drawing board. I want to go up to stroller store on 95th street, and this is a perfect example of the day-to-day struggles of life with two. There is no subway stop with elevator access anywhere near 95th Street. So I have to either walk the 40 blocks in the windy cold winter-ish air and then the 40 blocks back or take the subway to 72nd, and walk the 20 blocks from there. I have no problem carrying a single stroller up and down flights of subway stairs: I did it with my nephew until he was three. But bjorning a baby and carrying a stroller with a baby in it? That is hard. Still, I do it more frequently than I intend, since so many times I take the subway to elevator stops only to find the damn elevator isn’t working. I could wait until Nicole gets home and go alone, but this store closes at 5:30. I could just walk it and stop bitching. I could just order a stroller online without test driving it. I guess there are solutions, but none I like. Maybe I am just hard to please or my own worst enemy.

I guess I need to readjust my standards to an extent and my vision of motherhood to the max. I repeat: I am far from the mother I thought I would be. With two, I feel like I am just trying to keep my head above water sometimes; with one, I feel like I would be unstoppable. It makes me sad because I was a much better mother to my nephew. We did so much together: Parks, zoos, museums. I used to take him to cafes and drink coffee. I would take him shopping and to parties and baby showers and to other peoples houses. It was so easy. I would take him out and let him hold my hand a walk around the block. He used to love that. And the girls love to walk on the street too, but I can’t take them both out and let them do that. I guess it will get easier when they get a little older but that doesn’t make me feel better right now. Right now I just feel like a crappy mom who is letting her girls down (and myself). I feel like I miss out on moments and milestones and soon-to-be memories.

When I was going through the infertile years, I would kill to have these issues. I would read other people complaining like this and think they were ungrateful. I am not ungrateful. I would never wish one of my children away and hope for a different outcome than what I have right now. I am so grateful, and not a day goes by that I don’t think that, and that is the truth. But I severely underestimated how hard it would be at times, and how overwhelming it could be and how isolating it could be and how awful it feels to feel realize that you can fail at something so important. I am not fishing for compliments or looking for people to say how great I am doing. I guess I just want to know I am not alone in this and that I am not the only one that tried so hard and suffered through so much to be where I am and to even still feel overwhelmed sometimes and think “how can I do this?” This will pass, as it always does, but right now I am wallowing.

What Would Jesus Do? No, Really. Which Box Would He Check?

We took the girls to their first rally the other night: The giant Anti-Prop 8 protest that started at the Mormon Church. To be honest, I was uncomfortable with the church-focused parts of the protest: I am fine with suporting anti-8 but didn't want to be condenming a religious group for its views. After all, they have the right to their own opinions, even if they aren't in line with mine. And, as evidenced by all the Mormons and ex-Mormons at the protest, not every single one agrees with the Powers That Be in the Mormon Church. Which is not to say that I think the the Mormon church's financial support of Prop 8 it is right or moral: In my view, it is not. And it is serious misstep in separation of church and state and all that. But my focus was Equality and that is the issue here. We are planning on going the City Hall protest on Saturday, unless the rain drowns us out.

Here is another Guest Post from Nicole, who took a much more subtle approach to disagreeing with the Mormon Church's stance:

Jesus Christ preached love and acceptance, so why don’t the churches based on his teachings do the same?

It’s quite simple; Jesus Christ’s teachings don’t lend themselves well to organized religion. In fact, Joseph Smith learned this lesson as well. If you teach people that the Christ is within them, that we are the embodiment of God, that God speaks to us directly, why would we need a Church? If you were told “here are Jesus Christ’s principles, everyday practice them, everyday grow and try to become the Christ,” wouldn’t that be a very individual and personal spirituality? Wouldn’t that be empowering? What if you used The Bible and the “heretic” gospels that were not accepted by the Catholic Church as your guide and you were free to interpret them? Would you draw different conclusions? If you removed the influence of your organized religion what would the impact be? Would you think the Crusades were a good idea? Would you think slavery was OK? Would you still think women are second class citizens? Would you care if gays wanted to marry?

The real question is…would you want this responsibility? Would you want to make these choices? Isn’t it easier to point to our organized religions and free ourselves from these decisions? Isn’t it so much easier to go to church – maybe even every Sunday – and shrug our shoulders and say, “I voted for Prop 8 because my church told me God thinks homosexuality is a sin”? Conveniently forgetting that premarital sex is a sin, divorce is a sin, abortion is a sin, theft (even petty theft like taking a pen from your employer) is a sin, extramarital affairs are sins, coveting is a sin, the list goes on…convenient.

Real Christians step up. Educate yourselves. Look beyond your religion and embrace Christ’s teachings for real.

Clearly I Am Not Done Talking About Politics

You know how if someone cuts you off in the toll lane and then gives you a nasty look, as if you did something other than driving like a normal person, you are supposed to feel sorry for him (or her) and not hate him (or her)? Or how if some random stranger is randomly rude to you, you are suppose to love him instead of hate him, because love and hate can’t both live in the same heart and all that? I am not so good at that.

A friend of a friend on Facebook recently made a disgusting remark about Obama, which, it turns out, is a federal offense. See, if you put the name of the president in the same sentence with words like “dead” and “get his” and the future tense, you are going to get all sorts of attention that you might not want.

But that isn’t the point. The point is, why so much name-calling? I’d like to think that if McCain won, I wouldn’t be calling him nasty names and saying that he was a loser and saying that this country is going to hell. Don’t we have better ways to criticize people than to just say “he is such a jerk?” So far Obama really has done nothing but get elected and yet there are many people who just hate him. I mean really hate. I respect our freedom of speech and our American right to express our own opinions, but I just wish that we weren’t already at the name-calling stage. What happened to quiet contempt and momentary solidarity?

I also have a hard time reconciling the fact that if I believe in freedom of speech, then I have to respect the fact that people like, say, that group that wears the white robes and burn crosses, are protected under that and allowed to speak their minds too. Freedom is speech is for everyone, not just those who share my opinions.

I will be the first to admit I am a walking contradiction at times. Maybe I should practice what I preach, because I too am guilty of jumping on the Bush-bashing bandwagon. But who hasn’t? Not that that makes it right. Perhaps I have resorted to name-calling aspersions a few too many times. Bush’s approval ratings are the worst ever, and the lowest of any president since the rating system was invented. I should be more specific with my comments. I could go in to detail how his long list of Executive Orders befuddles me. How the fact that he was even signing so many executive orders (which requires no congressional approval….what happened to checks and balances?) scares me because how is that not abuse of power? I could talk about how Bush created permanent military bases in Iraq, and how that seems to indicate intentions better than any speech could. I could talk about how he mislead the country about the dangers in Iraq. I could talk again about that dirty word hegemony and how Bush’s hegemonic ways are frightening. But there are entire sections in libraries devoted to hegemony and presidential power abuse. I feel woefully underinformed. And sometimes it is just easier to skip the library visit and say “idiot” and hope for a better future.

Obama has a long road ahead. He has to prove himself to every single person in this country and even the world. Me, I am waiting to see what he does. I am watching for small signs of change, little acts and indications that reveal the direction of his administration. For example, where will the Obama girls be going to school come January? Once upon a time, education was a huge election year issue. That has been pushed way down the list, thanks to war and economy and energy and other pressing issues. Will the girls be heading to public school? Or will it be private school for them? I don’t understand how the government can justify not taking drastic action to improve education, because sending their kids to private school is an admission in itself that what the public gets isn’t good enough for the rich and privileged. That in itself it admitting that the education system is bad and that many, many children are being left behind, despite having an entire committee in Washington to prevent just that. Obama will earn some respect from me if he sends his girls to public school and puts educational reform on the agenda. What a message that would send to America. (The last president to send is children to public school, by the way, was Carter. Bush and Clinton didn’t think public school was good enough for their kids, I guess.)

After that, all he has to do is fix the economy; fix Wall Street; repair Main Street; shore up American jobs; figure out what to do about the Middle east; figure out what to do about North Korea; figure out what to do about Israel; find a immigration solution; find an education solution; find an energy solution; find a gay marriage solution; find a solution to the climate crisis; find a way to make everyone happy with health care; find a solution for social security; find a tax plan that pleases all; find a way to end poverty and create a better life for every single American. Not too much, right?

I am going to a Prop 8 rally here on Wednesday with Nicole and the girls and a few friends. Should be interesting, since it starts at the girls’ bedtime. I am trying to come up with a good sign. “Prop Hate” seems to cliché already. And “Did WE vote on YOUR right to marry” seems rather contentions, no? I am really sad that this passed, even if only by a narrow margin. The fact still remains that about half of the people are against my right to marry. Ok. So here I am trying again to understand the other side of this. I am trying to put myself into someone else’s shoes and understand why my marriage would scare them or threaten them or go against their religious beliefs. I am having a really, really hard time. I mean, I get the religious beliefs thing, but I feel like if you are going to use the bible as your justification, then you better be following the bible to the letter, including following all those commandments. Very few of us can claim that. Maybe I dislike contradictions so much in others because I dislike them in myself.

Today is the type of day when I just feel a little defeated, a little overwhelmed, a little foggy and very unfocused. The news is focused on an eight-year-old who admit to premeditated murder and a fourteen-year old girl’s throat who was slashed in her bedroom by someone she met online. That pretty much sums it up. It is the kind of day when I think retail therapy will improve my state of mind but it never does. And yet, and this is a big yet, I am so grateful for what I have. Nicole, the girls, our home, our life. I love my life and all that I have been given, and I am trying to focus on that more. See that? I am one giant walking contradiction.

I want to write more but the girls are playing in the bathroom and that spells disaster with a capital D.

Pictured above, look at that belly!! And below that, looks who’s finally watching Sesame Street. They look like zombies, no? I really don’t want them to watch TV too much and yet I want them to have a solid distraction so I can do things like this blog. See? There’s that contradiction thing again.

A New Morning; A New Country; and Our Fifteen Minutes of Fame!

I am stunned. Even though I thought this might happen, it still rocks me. Did he really just win? This victory belongs to me, dammit. Obama said it himself.

His speech last night, well, what can say? I cried a little and was moved and inspired and felt like I need to go out and volunteer and pay my taxes and not complain. I loved that he acknowledged gay Americans. In my little dream world, I imagine he was a little silent about this ever-growing and often ignored or avoided segment of our population for most of his campaign for fear of scaring off the homophobic, who are, sadly, another ever-growing segment of our population who sometimes have a louder bullhorn. But then, in his first speech, he mentions gay Americans (and straight, to be fair). That is kind of a big deal, people.

When Joe Biden came out at the end, I had this moment of Wow. I can’t really explain but suddenly I thought, I like this guy. I barely paid attention to him during this ultra-long campaign, since there was so much focus on Palin and Obama and McCain. There is a little swarmy on him for some reason, but still, I looked at him and though he could grow on me.

Speaking of Palin, I am afraid that McCain’s loss will be blamed on her. This is the second presidential campaign that featured a female VP to fail miserably. This is not good for women. If they won, I always said I will focus on how great it is to have a woman in the White House (annex). I may not agree with, oh, anything she says, but love that she made history in her own way, and helped fifty percent of the population (that’s us women) in doing so.

However, Obama’s speech did have that committee-written feel to it. I think all speeches should be delivered from a sitting position, with feet up on an ottoman. I loved what he said, but, like all speeches, it just had that sort of memorized soliquy feel. I love off-the-cuff. I though McCain did a great job on his speech. When he tried to hush the booing crowd, I though, this is a great man.

I learned a lot in this election. I also learned that I need to lower my expectations. Me, I just want everything: I want the poor happy, the rich happy, the in-between happy. I want social programs that work and tax benefits that are fair. I want a strong military and money spent on security. I want Medicare and Medicaid to work and I want all Americans to have health care (I am not sure socialized medicine is the way to go, but we need to figure it out already). I want social security to do just this: Provide security. I want fair minimum wage. I want educational equality. I want roads and stop signs and police officers and want to know that if there is a fire in my apartment, a fire truck and able-bodied men and women will be there within two minutes. And, if possible, I want to pay not taxes and make no sacrifices. Is that too much to ask? I loved this quote, uploaded by a friend of mine on Facebook: "A government big enough to give you everything you want is a government big enough to take from you everything you have." (Gerald Ford)

On a fifteen-minutes-of-fame note, I walked over to Roc Center with the girls this morning to see the ice rink map. We were on the show! Al Roker came over to me and asked me what the girls names were. Of course, I fumbled it! And then a producer came over to me and asked if I wanted to be on a trivia segment with Kathie Lee at 10:30. I said yes, why not, went home (I had an hour to get ready), felt like I was going to throw up and called Nicole for back-up support. I am not the type that relishes that sort of attention: I can’t even open presents in front of people! Nicole left work to accompany me…and she ended up on the segment too! Kathie Lee talked to us off camera for a while and she was very nice. Sadly, we got the question wrong, but I say it was a trick question. I wanted that damn gift card! More on that later…

I just spell checked this and had to add “Obama” to my dictionary. Wow.

Pictured above, kimono pajamas are adorable as well as dangerous. This is what Avery looked like one morning when she woke up. Not only does it look uncomfortable, it looks like she can choke herself. So these pajamas are relegated to lounge wear. So be careful, because I never thought of “kimono pajamas” as “killing pajamas.” Also pictured, pride flags. Go America.

This Post is Completely Plagiarized: With Apologies/Gratitude to C.

This post is completely plagiarized; words and ideas stolen from a dead woman, no less. Recently a woman in our building died and Nicole and I went to her funeral. The minister delivered a beautiful sermon that he said was actually an email sent to him by the deceased woman (before she died, obviously!). It was so moving and humbling and well said. I emailed the priest and asked him if he could email me the sermon. I really wanted to save it and reread it when I was having One Of Those Days. He never responded. Discouraging.

I decided to recreate it myself, in the same spirit and general outline, because the message is important for me to remember. So this is her dream, her ideas and her message; I am just the messenger.

It starts out with a dream. C., who was dying of cancer, dreamt that she was getting a tour of heaven. Her angel guide took her to a huge room, miles and miles and miles long. It was filled with millions of angels working hard. C. asked what this room was and her angel guide responded: “This is the prayer receiving department. This is the place where the prayers of the people of the world go. The prayers are organized here.” Then the angel guide took C. to a second room, equally as large, but twice as busy. C. asked what this room was. Her angel guide responded: “This is the prayer fulfillment department. All of these angels are busy working on answering people’s prayers.” The guide then took C. to a third room. This room was small, tiny even, with a single desk and one single angel sitting at it. “What room is this?” C. asked. “Well,” said her guide said, “This is the Acknowledgment Department. This is the place where people’s appreciation and thanks are received. It only needs one part time worker.”

That was the general gist of it. Maybe this wasn’t really a dream of hers, but rather perhaps an allegory that is passed around religious circles to remind people to Thank God or whoever they worship. Maybe it is an internet spam message, like that “wear Sunblock” graduation speech. Regardless, it moved me, it resonated in me. The message is clear: Many of us want want want and when we get, we lack appreciation. And many of us are not grateful for what we already have.

To illustrate her point, C. went on to list so eye-opening statistics. I wasn’t able to remember all of them (I had to research each one here to get the proper percentages) but, again, this is the gist of it:

• If you have internet access, consider yourself part of an elite crowd: Only 10 percent of the world’s population can claim access.

• If you live on more than $1.25 a day, consider yourself lucky: 1.4 billion (that’s 25 percent of developing country populations) live on less than $1.25 a day. Think of that the next time you spend five buck on a grande something at Starbucks.

• If you have a working toilet at your disposal, you are privileged: 2.6 billion of the world’s citizens have no toilets and no access to toilets.

• If you have running water, you are lucky: One in two of the world’s population don’t have running water. Think of that the next time to step into a shower.

• If you have ever used a phone, you are indeed privileged: Half of the people in this world have never made a phone call. And to think most of us have cell phones, land lines and Blackberries at our disposal.

• If you own or lease a car or have access to a car, then you are part of the 9 percent of the world’s population that can claim that. 91 percent of the world’s population do not have a car or have access to a car.

• If you have the ability to further your education, you are in an elite crowd: About 25 percent of the world’s population have a bachelors degree and nine percent have a Masters degree.

The things I take for granted are the things that make me one of the lucky. I bitch about washing dishes, but who knew that running water is such a rare commodity? In theory, I know this, but it is easy to forget about the rest of the world. We don’t see true poverty that much in our neck of the world.

I’d like to think I am a grateful person. I am grateful for my two daughters: As a woman who never thought that she would get pregnant and stay pregnant and who tried for years to get pregnant, I am still shocked that I have two living, breathing babies in my life. I am grateful for Nicole and our home and my life. I am grateful for health, but don’t like to think about it, for fear of jinxing us. I am grateful that I am not visiting loved ones in a cancer hospital or worrying about paying the electric bill or wondering how to afford food. But I am not a saint and this gratitude often gets buried. How do we unbury this? How do we eschew this sense of entitlement or this false sense of need and this disease of more more more?

C.’s ultimate message was that none of us are promised more than this very moment, and we need to be grateful for that, and we need to be grateful for all that we have already been given, because if we started to keep score, we would realize we all already have a lot.

Pictured above, the girls on their Stone Ponies. And below that, the awesome Pink, at a live show she gave in NYC on Halloween. I really need (there is that “need” word again….) a zoom lens. Her new album is awesome.

How Many People Mention "Sulfuric Air" in Their Wedding Vows?

Thanks, all, so much for the good wishes! It has only been four days since the Big Day, but already it feels like months! Is hat a good thing or bad thing? Regardless, here is a script from the ceremony:

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Justice of the Peace selected this to read this excerpt from an Adrienne Rich poem:

No one has imagined us. We want to live like trees
sycamores blazing through the sulfuric air
dappled with scars, still exuberantly budding
(I told you from the first I wanted daily life,
this island of Manhattan was island enough for me.)
If I could let you know — two women together is work
nothing in civilization has made simple,
two people together is a work
heroic in its ordinariness,
the slow-picked, halting traverse of a pitch
where the fiercest attention becomes routine
— look at the faces of those who have chosen it.

Justice of the Peace:
Nicole and Jennifer, do you vow…
• To love each other deeply?
• To seek new experiences together and grow together? 

• To share your joys and successes, and support each other through your sorrows, disappointments and frustrations?
Do you vow…
• To face adversity with the goal of coming together rather than coming apart?
• To comfort each other when you cry, care for each other when you are sick, support each other when you strive, and share in joy and happiness?
Finally, do you, Nicole and Jennifer, vow…
• To cherish each other and to be grateful for each day together?
• To commit to the journey, even when you do not know the way?
• To create a loving home for each other and for Madeline and Avery?

WHAT IS IN YOUR HEARTS THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO SAY TO EACH OTHER NOW?
[Nicole’s to Jennifer]: I am grateful to have found my soul mate, the person who understands me, supports me and even humors me when I might be acting up. The safety and security you provide fills me with confidence that as bad as times may appear they never really will be that bad. You inspire me. You make me want to keep getting better — to be a better spouse, mother, friend, sister, daughter. You set a high bar. You are devoted, loving, generous to those in your orbit and I’m lucky to be revolving around you more closely than the others. You gave me a precious gift when you brought Madeline and Avery into the world. I could not conceive of more joy and love than what we already shared together. Who knew there was an entirely different and wonderful dimension to our love? You did. You are a phenomenal mother to our daughters. You’re gifted and our girls will grow up to be great women for having grown up with you influencing their lives. I cherish you, I have always cherished you and I will forever cherish you.

Jennifer to Nicole:
• It’s been almost seven years of blissful domesticity,
• Six annual lunches at Tea and Sym on the Eve of Christmas Eve,
• 5 amazing nieces and nephews, three of which we born during us
• A new family of four, expanded from a family of two about 17 months ago,
• at least 3 new computers and computer-related personal breakdowns, if my counting is correct,
•Two homes, two cars, and, most importantly two adorable, perfect, and well-worth-the-wait little girls,
• And now, one marriage to last the rest of our lives.

When I sat down to compose some thoughts, an old manifesto came to mind. Instead of hacking it into new pieces or plagiarizing myself, I though I would just quote myself:

“When I was in Bermuda I went for a walk and ended up at a church. It is the oldest church in the western hemisphere, but that isn’t the point. It was hot and the church was cool, so I sat there for a while, maybe almost a half-hour. But that isn’t the point. I thought about you the whole time, and even that isn’t my point. What is significant is that I had one of those flashes, that everything is just how it should be and life is impossibly good. I my not be winning anything yet but my bases are loaded and it feels like its only a matter of time until everything falls into place. And that flash lasted longer than a flash; it was more like a wave that washed over me. That flash become a moment and that moment became momentous. And I wish I could live in that moment. Step into it somehow and push out the edges and expand it, make it last forever. And for some reason I feel like I can only do that with you and that that is monumental.”

Well, I am happy to report that that moment has expanded to a lifetime. I lead a charmed life, and it is all because of you. How did I get so lucky? You make my future bright; you make my past conquerable; and you make my present perfect, even when the days are bogged down in rituals and routines and the ups and downs of daily life. I have never been so sure of anything or anyone in my life. I won the lotto, and, yes, we both know it is you who turns dreams into lightening, even full-on electrical storms.

And, finally, few more promises:

• I promise to never make you part with the ancient fan, despite the threat of missing digits; or make you part with the very impractical rarely driven Mercedes that only seats two ; or make you part with your bizarre collection of empherma currently relegated to closets and storage.
• I promise to tuck you in every night AND turn off the table lamp and to fulfill your desire for the pleasure of clean sheets.
• I promise to never stop trying to met your maturity level; not to panic when you panic; and not forget that you are still the beautiful, witty, caring, calm, successful hero that I feel in love with.


[RING EXCHANGE]
Justice of the Peace: These rings are a symbol of the unbroken circle of love. Love freely given has no beginning and no end. May these rings remind you always of the vows you have taken here today.
“With this ring, I pledge my love and commitment”
Justice of the Peace: Let these rings serve not as locks binding you together, but as keys, unlocking the secrets of your hearts for each other to know, and thus bringing you closer together forever.
By the power vested in me under the laws of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, I now pronounce you legally married.

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Pictured above, the girls went to a Halloween party. Obviously, they were puppies. Ask them what a doggie says and they sorta saw WOOF. Here is Avery practicing jazz hands and Madeline eating rocks when she thinks no one is looking.

The Deed Is [Legally] Done

All that stress and worry and planning and lack thereof is over. We are officially married! I was so nervous that at times I felt like I was going to throw up! There is no way I could have a large wedding. If I could have said my vows alone in a closet with Nicole, I would! The weather was gorgeous and the girls were so well behaved, thanks to the expert handling of Nicole's friend, Beth. Nicole started crying the second the Justice of the Peace began to talk. I read my vows at lightening speed. ( I'll check and see if Nicole doesn't mind if we post the vows, because hers to me make me sound like a saint! Ha!) Here are some pictures of the day until I can do a play-by-play. I love the action shot of walking to the gazebo, flowers in hand, Nicole right behind me. We look so busy busy busy, hurrying to the chapel. Day One of wedded Bliss was spent making a birthday cake for my nephew; Day Two was spent at a Halloween party for the girls and Day Three will be spent wit a celebratory trip to the gynecologist.

The Girls Are Exploding; I’m Imploding; The World’s Revolting

I have been so busy that I haven’t had time to perform basic grooming habits, let allow have the luxury of writing little updates in my blog. My coffee is ice cold before I can finish drinking it and I even forget t eat some meals. It’s been hectic, to say the least.

I feel like so much has happened since my last post. Avery and Madeline are suddenly little talkers. Perhaps this is the language explosion that I read about? Ask Avery what the doggie says and she barks for us! When Nicole came back from San Francisco, they both decided to reward her for her return by saying “mommy,” though when Avery says it, it sounds more like “Ahh-mmy.” Avery tries to say “choo choo” — emphasis on try — and let me assure you that nothing is cuter than watching her attempt to say this word. Most adorably, she is sort of singing. Every once in a while I can catch a few bars of what sounds like the alphabet song. And yesterday, Madeline said “I” for about twenty minutes straight. They also are both learning more body parts and can now confidently point to bellies, noses, ears and sometimes eyes (which I tend to skip these days, and they poke their eyes in such a way that I am afraid they will scratch a cornea or something).

I have been working on a freelance project that occupies every waking minute when I am not with the girls. That means I have been up to almost midnight every night, falling asleep with my fingertips on the keyboard. I am editing a book with a very soon deadline. Trying to get it in almost-done shape before we leave for Northampton has been torture. But a labor of love, I should add, because it felt so good to be doing something, work wise, that I really enjoy and feel confident in and reminds me of the old me (that I liked). I miss my editing days, and wonder what this all means for my future.

Silly me, thinking that a simple little wedding ceremony would cause not a moment’s worry. We just sent the “script” to the justice of the peace last night (talk about last minute) and I am still writing my vows. I messed up the time of the ceremony. Nicole and I have been going back and forth for weeks as to what time we should do the ceremony, taking into consideration nap times, our friend’s schedules, lighting, temperature, etc. Turns out we booked the JOP for 4:00, which means our two friends up there won’t be able to make it. Our bravado that the girls will be just fine sitting in their stroller watching us and not interrupting the ceremony is a pipedream if ever I heard one. Right now the plan is to ply them with cell phones, remotes and other verboten items, in a lame attempt to keep them distracted. I also go back and forth with trying to find a “babysitter” up there to come for the half hour who can tap dance for the girls so we can have our ten-minute exchange of vows. I go on the Smith College website, thinking there just might be a section on “Looking for a Last-Minute Wedding Sitter?” No luck so far. I checked out the Northampton bulletin board on its town site, but posts are over a year old. Grrrr. And I get so bogged down in the day that I neglect to take care of any of this. And here we are, on the eve of the eve.

Politics and the current state of the country and world are stressing me out, and I know I am not alone. Enough already. I am not enjoying the polarizing effects of this campaign and am particularly disdained by this assumption that “my choice” is going to ruin the country, the economy and the world. Really? Can’t we agree that whoever inherits the Oval Office is f*cked? I am not really convinced “change” is going to come, regardless of who is in office. I am still voting for Obama, but, at the same time, I know if he wins, that means higher taxes for my family and I know that he won’t bring about a single change for the rights I am concerned about. So we are screwed if he wins, but I still thinks this is best for the country. Discouraging, to say the least.

This election has me reconsidering many of my own political beliefs and understandings. My eyes have been opened in many ways. But this country is on a scary path; that, at least, I think we all can agree on. If the media were to be trusted and believed, we are all going to end up on the streets or embroiled in some sort of revolutionary panic state. I can’t stand the coverage anymore. So Plains kids traveled on Alaska’s dime? I am not sure I think that is a bad thing. Obama is going to Hawaii to be with an ailing grandmother? Not sure that is a bad thing either. Yet the media construes these events to such extremes, making Palin seem corrupt for wanting to have her children with her and Obama is corrupt for wanting to reach out to the woman who raised him. I think both of these actions show good family values. If Palin left her kids, the media would call her a bad mother. If Obama didn’t’ go to visit his grandmother, the media would say he was a heartless grandson. Damned if they do and damned if the don’t.

And here I sit, distracted in my own world.

Life will calm down considerably after this weekend. Just in time for the holiday season madness to begin. And did I mention that as of last week, Christmas items are cluttering the shelves of my local stores? I swear it starts earlier and earlier.

Pictured above, Madeline and Avery enjoying the beauty of fall. It is so cold these mornings I have to bundle up before going to the gym. But I love the chill in the air. And below that, my first attempt at waffles with a new waffle iron. That little piece of white in the bottom half of the waffle would be plastic from the butter. I am happy to say my waffles have improved much since this attempt, but the bar was set pretty low.

I Need To Get Back To Work, But First.....

• I took the girls to the beach yesterday and they loved it. They played with driftwood and rocks and dried up pieces of seaweed and laughed at the seagulls. The sand was tricky to walk in for them, which slowed them down a bit, so I was okay if they were more than ten steps away from me. Their reduced speed reminded me that I wanted to explore using ankle weights or weighted vests on the girls to dampen their speed.

• I am not good at feeding myself when Nicole is gone. The first night, I skipped dinner. Last night I had a peanut butter sandwich. I skipped lunch today because I sat down instead to write this. Tonight I have no dinner plans and think I will eat pretzels instead.

• I sleep terribly when Nicole is away. I fall asleep reading my Scrabble strategy book and wake up throughout the night. I’m pretty certain I hear tree branches scratching on the windows (there are no tree branches round these here parts) and I swear I hear footsteps on the roof, which would be very scary, as we live on the to floor. I can’t wait till the girls are older, so they can sleep with me because I am scared sleeping alone. Maybe I need a nightlight.

• My free time was shrunk to about zero minutes per day. I am editing a book, which is extremely time consuming. The deadline is fast approaching, too. It feels really good, though, to be using a brain skill set that I don’t exercise that often. It makes me miss the journalism life. Someone needs to jump in here and remind me how not great that life is.

• Nicole comes back on Friday. We are going to a BBQ at our friend’s on Saturday, but Sunday is all about mass quantities of editing. Then there is Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday we leave for Northampton. And then Friday the big event.

• Suddenly, when I am all alone with no relief in sight, it is critical for me to get a manicure, a pedicure and see a movie. Of course, if Nicole were home I be content to remain on the couch or lounging in bed, doing my work.

• We are pretty sure Avery is trying to sing the ABC song. Avery also likes to climb more than ever. First word was Abby and second word is pee pee. Again, these are words used in context. I think she said “bye-bye pee pee” when I changed her diaper yesterday. She waved bye bye to mommy when we did a video chat this morning. Madeline is quite the helper. When it is clean up time before bed, she picks up everything and puts it back where it goes. She even flattens herself on the floor and sticks her hand under chairs and couches to extract hidden toys. Avery, on the other hand, comes over to the bag we are filling and turns it over to dump its contents on the floor again.

• Pictured above, problem & temporary solution. And Madeline crowns Avery Queen of All She Surveys.

Life in a Recession/Depression

The world is falling apart. The economic crisis Part of me prefers not to know things: I don’t want to know how much Nicole’s 401(k) lost; I don’t want to know how much money the girls’ college accounts have lost; I don’t want to know much low Nicole’s company stock is. This ignorance/choice to live in ignorance I liken to lane changing without looking.

I realized yesterday that the home equity loan my mother was living off of would have most likely been cut off. And with banks so tight with credit, etc., it might have been impossible for us to swoop in and save my mother from foreclosure and financial ruin. The economy was bad last March, but it is much, much worse now.

So part of me is living like we are on the verge of a Depression. I think I need to ration the amount of shampoo I squirt into my hand and I must find recipes that utilize the approximately 200 pounds of beans in my cabinets (an impulse buy at BJs). And all is going well for a day or two and then I blow it all because I MUST buy some ridiculous thing that we don’t need (for example, a new picture frame).

One purchase that I am happy with is Abby. Avery’s first word (that is, a word said clearly and in context) is “Abby,” as in the Sesame Street character. This was an unusual development, since she has never seen Sesame Street. However, as I wrote before, she does have a hand-me-down book that Nicole reads to her a lot, and Avery in particular loves it. So yesterday I took the girls to the toy store and bought an Abby doll. Avery loves it, or I guess I should say her. She puts Abby in the mini stroller and pushes her around. She gives Abby hugs and kisses. She just looks at Abby and says “Ahhh-beeeeeeeee.”

Avery was the lucky recipient of a new toy because she was such a good girl at the doctor’s. She has this cyst-like growth on her finger that is probably the size of one of those mini peas. The doctor said it was nothing scary, which is a HUGE relief, but said that we would have to see a hand surgeon because it is on her joint. And to remove it would require Avery to be under full anesthesia. The cyst isn’t hindering Avery’s hand growth at all, so removing it would be for cosmetic reasons, so there is no way we will remove it. Not until she is old enough to have it done with a local anesthesia in an office setting. The idea of her being fully under scares the hell out of me. And to subject her to that because of vanity (which would be ours at this point and not hers) is ridiculous. I was so grateful for our healthy girls and grateful that this is our biggest issue that I celebrated by buying the girls the aforementioned new toys.

Nicole leaves for San Francisco and I am flying solo again.

Pictured above, the girls napping at Aunt Mina’s.

Reason-al vs. Season-al vs. Lifetimers

It is officially fall, with a hint of winter, even. I was actually really chilly on the way to the gym this morning and regretted not wearing a warm jacket. And the heat in our building switched on, which is a sure sign of dipping temperatures. The weather change seemed to happen so quickly. I’m not complaining (yet) because I love the fall and love the chilly weather, but winter with toddlers in New York City is not going to easy, I fear. I look forward to snow days when I can put them in snow suits, because I feel like once they are layered in those puffy winter outfits they won’t be as fast moving. I am also considering custom-making ankle weights for them. They are too fast.

For someone who prides herself on organization, I am not terribly organized about the upcoming wedding. I have yet to reserve the gazebo; I have yet to figure out what to wear; and I haven’t even thought about pictures, video, etc. Time runs away from me at an alarmingly fast rate. I don’t know where the hours, the days and the weeks go, cliché but true.

And Nicole leaves for San Francisco this weekend and will be gone for a week. One week. Well, six days, but still, it is a long time.

Over the weekend, my friends threw me a mini shower, which was really a brunch with presents! We met at Max Brenners in the East Village. It was so much fun. These are people I have been friends with for twenty plus years. It reminds me of that quote about how friends come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. These are the lifetimers. It is amazing how we are all still close, even though we no longer live in the same town or play field hockey together or drive around aimlessly on a Saturday night. There is a part of me that feel like all friends need to be lifetimers like this, but I am slowly realizing that there is a place for reasonal and seasonal friends. For me, that is huge. Me, the one who hates to burn bridges and let friendships go, is starting to grow up a bit. But these are the people that I might end up living with a la Golden Girls 50 years from now.

What I really enjoyed was the portion of the brunch when everyone made a bead bracelet for me. They dropped beads onto a string while offering wishes, wisdom and advice. I am a sucker for that sort of stuff; symbolism is everything to me. That is why I love charm bracelets. I will be that (hopefully) crazy old great grandmother clutching my bead bracelet and charm bracelet in my knobby fingers, trying to explain it to my great great grandkids.

An interesting development: My children are products of the Advertising and Commercialization, despite my best efforts. Avery’s first word might be Abby, which is interesting since she has never seem Sesame Street. They have a hand-me-down book that features Abby, and she loves to read it, so that is where she got it from. The other day she starts saying “Abbb-hee. Abb-heee,” in context. Yesterday, She said “mommy,” but the refused to say it again when prompted, instead smiling devilishly. They both say Mama, but randomly. No dada, interestingly. They also say Gay Agenda (just kidding). They speaks volumes in babble, and recently their babble has rounded a decidedly enunciated corner. It is very cute. If I ask for a kiss, they usually shake there head no, but if I ask for a honk-honk, they oblige and pinch my nose. To sum up: No affection, but sure, they will squeeze my nose.

And random notes: In my attempts to stop buying processed food, I made stuffing from scratch and it is safe to say it was awful, epically so. Why do foods that are less processed and better for you taste so bad sometimes? I LOVE Stove Top, bit mine tasted nothing like it. It was so soggy that it was almost inedible, though Nicole ate most of hers and said it was nit bad, which means either she has gotten good at lying to me or she has really lowered her standards for my cooking. Maybe I need to try another recipe. Or maybe I just need to buy Stovetop and stop worrying that it will kill me. Despite that setback, I am attempting another recipe tonight that requires bread: Onion bread soup. It is such a good day for something like that.

I forget: Will a nonstick wok kill us?

Pictured above, the Lifetimers through the ages: Circa 1999, 2000-something and last weekend.

Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe oh and Breathe

• Nicole made a joke other night about losing her job. NOT funny. Her company is going through its four? Fifth? round of layoffs, two thousand this time. While we are fairly certain she will be safe once again, one can’t help but to panic in these times, when we are facing the worse economic crisis and massive uncertainly and new Wall Street headlines every day. She works at a bank, for the love of god. No one is safe. The bank could lay off anyone at this point, and just shrug its massive shoulders and say “it’s the economy. Sorry. ” And why not her? I would think it is advantageous to get rid of those who make higher salaries and get bigger bonuses. If I ran the bank, that’s what I would do.

But Nicole’s innocent joke rankled me: The me that worries about stability; the me that was raised by a single mom who never got child support or alimony and who always worried about her mom’s financial stability and will we need to sell the house and move?; and the me who is a daughter of a woman who cleaned houses and did anything she could to support her daughter and herself. There was one winter when my mom couldn’t afford to buy me a new winter coat, and a growth spurt rendered last year’s completely unwearable. Her aunt and uncle took me to Burlington Coat Factory and bought me a fancy red wool coat and a matching red plaid scarf and red gloves and I felt SO special. I remember walking through the aisles with my mom, trying different ones on, not realizing the distant look in her eyes was sadness and defeat. I remember hanging the new coat on my door, in excitement for wearing it the next day. It wasn’t till years later that I realized WOW, we couldn’t afford a coat.

• Speaking of no alimony and child support, my dad is in town from China. With his much younger girlfriend (my age). He’s been here since Monday, but I haven’t spoken with him yet. Guess I am not on the top of the To Call list. I act like it doesn’t bother me but oh how it does. His visits always cause lots of undigested emotions to burble up in me.

• And back to the economy. I feel like we need to stop spending money now. I don’t’ think we are extravagant by any means, but it’s the little things. Like today, I am going to Bed Bath and Beyond because I can’t get through the day without buying a new picture frame, shoe stretchers, new electric toothbrush heads, and at least one impulse item. And then off to William Sonoma because I NEED kitchen scissors. But when I am in the shower, I think “I need to use less shampoo because we could be heading into a depression.”

• My left shoulder hurts. I have to get an MRI for my hearing loss (this has been on my medical to do list for two years), and a sonogram of my thyroid (doctor-ordered a year ago). And Breast Cancer Awareness Month has me freaked out because I do breast exams exactly never.

• My patience is fraying at the seams. Waiting for Word to launch sometimes pushes me over the edge. Waiting for water to boil seems like an eternity. Toddler activities can get repetitive after thirty seconds. After the seventh reading of the same book, I start flipping the pages really fast and reading really fast. By the tenth reading, I don’t even bother to read the words. I even, on two occasions, threw the book ACROSS the room and said “Enough!” in too loud a voice, like a five-year-old, and ran out of the room. And when the girls start acting like that I guess I have no one to blame but myself. After all, what are children if not tiny mirrors that reflect your best and worst qualities?

• The girls both have runny noses, so I suspect this is either the start of a cold or more crazy teething. But the way Avery has been throwing around her toys this morning and complaining, I suspect it is a cold.

• We need to find a babysitter, but I don’t even know where to begin. I can’t imagine walking out the door and saying goodbye and leaving my girls with a stranger. No no no. But we need to learn to do just that.

• My friends and I are getting together this Sunday for brunch, and this always stirs mixed feeling. I am happy because these are people I have been friends with for decades and it is always good to spend time together. But then I am said because I can’t help but to think inside Why Can’t We Do This All the Time? Obviously, we all have our own families and careers and obligations and we no longer live in the same town. But it always makes me long for that simpler, younger life when we were all so, I don’t know, carefree? When I worried about finding the right lipstick color and we wondered how t spend a Friday night. One of these friend’s toddler daughter left a message for me on my voice mail yesterday and I made me ache in a way I just can’t describe.

To sum up: Father issues, mother issues, career stability fears, economy fears, health fears, need a babysitter quandaries, missing my friends, patience issues, and where oh where is my serenity?

If I make it through the day without eating a box of Junior Mints and a bag of pretzels, it will truly be an accomplishment.

I Should be Writing About My Melancholy Instead

I feel sorry for Sarah Palin. She was Messiah-fied by the media after her first speech and now she is being crucified, even by members of her own party. Politics aside, I think of her as another woman, a mother, who struggles to balance family and work, who wonders if she looks good or bad, who thinks she needs to have a date night with her husband, who worries about her health and her family and her eating habits and her retirement. I may not agree with her at all politically, but at the end of the day, she is a sleep deprived mother (of a new baby, no less, and a teenage daughter who is pregnant), a wife, a daughter and a friend who is just trying to live her life.

Thursday’s debate is going to be huge. One of two things will happen: Either she will crash and burn in a monumental way, SNL-fodder way, making even Dan Quayle look like a genius, or she will rise to the occasion in an unbelievable way, thus making her and McCain’s election inevitable. I am still not clear why McCain chose her, since she is so lacking in experience. Yes, she runs a state, if you will, but let’s be frank: It’s not like she closes her door, sits in a big, wing-backed leather chair and rules (for some reason, Dr. Claw, the evil guy in Inspector Gadget, comes to mind). She is surrounded by her own entourage of aides, policy experts, panels, analysts, assistants and department heads, who help guide her and make decisions. When all else fails, she can rule by the doctrines of her political party. (Gay marriage? Deny! Less social welfare programs? Pass!) I don’t want to sound too naïve, by I truly believe that almost anyone can rise in politics under this paradigm.

Where else but in American can a poor student, heavy drinker, born again baseball fan rise to the highest political office in the country? Oh, that’s right, he is from a wealthy, white, politically connected family. Bush has lowered the bar, so maybe Palin does have a shot.

I feel like we are all learning a lot this election season, and it isn’t all that pretty. I also learned how to properly pronounce Nevada (Na-vaaad-duh, instead of Na-vah-duh and Pock-eeeee-Stahn instead of Pack-eh-stan). All these years, I have been sounding like an ignorant fool.

So Congressed overruled a 700 billion bailout (by the way, I read somewhere that “bailout” is leaving a sour taste in everyone’s mouth. A little spin, like “economic recovery plan” might inspire rather than divide)., and instead we lost 1.2 trillion dollars. 1.2 trillion, which looks like 1, 200,000,000,000 (quadrillion comes after 100 billion, because how soon until we start talking about deficits in the quadrillions?). We are in such deep shit. It makes me long for Little House on the Prairie days, when you paid for things cash on the barrel (what an evocative image) and didn’t live in credit card debt and in credit hell. No one own anything anymore. Cars, homes, even the clothes and food we all buy is on credit. (see new poll at right.)

Bush is making another short speech for us today? Why?? Shouldn’t he be speaking to Congress instead? Or helping develop a deal that makes everyone a little happier? After all, HUNDREDS of congressmen and women refused to pass the deal, from both parties. But Bush wants to tell us once again how shitty everything is and how important this is. Thank you, Master of the Obvious.

By the way, America Wife by Curtis Sittenfeld was incredibly good. Read it now.

Anyway, this post isn’t supposed to be about politics or bailouts . But I have run out of time, as the girls are both up and talking to each other, which means my alone time is winding down. They had their 15 month appointment recently and they weight 24 (M) and 26 pounds (A). They are such little toddlers now. They love to “read” books, especially ones with flaps that need to be lifted. Avery can hiss like a snake and likes to say hi to things like ceiling fans and animals on the street, but won’t say hi to people. Madeline has huge feet (long and wide) and still loves collecting like items and moving them from place to place, I would love to see her daily To Do list. They are the lights in my life and the drainers of my energy.

Pictured above, the little ladies.

Welcome to The Grapes of Wrath: 2008 Edition

Today is officially the first day of fall, which makes me very happy. This past week it has been downright chilly in the morning, so much so that I need to bring a sweatshirt with me on my morning pre-sunrise walk to the gym. The girls need to wear socks when we go out and usually long sleeves. And, best of all, no more air conditioning. That should help keep our electric bill down. Our electric bill is about $100 more a month than last year. Pathetic.

We spoke with our justice of the peace last night to go over details. We need to decide what to be pronounced: Should she say I now pronounce now legally married? Or wife and wife? Or woman and wife? Or partners for life? Nicole leans toward legally married, which seems very much her: Straight and to the point. I lean toward none of the options, of course, because they all sound so imposter-like, when you have spent 36 years hearing “husband and wife” and, more hideously, “man and wife.” So we need to work out some of these little details, but the bigger decisions, like date (October 24th) and place (gazebo at Look Park) are done. I’d also like to hire a photographer to take a few pictures, so if anyone in that area knows of any photographers (professional or otherwise: I’m fine with a hobbyist with a good camera and a good eye, too) please let me know.

I am beginning to reach political saturation and a starting to think who cares who wins this election. I can’t shake the feeling that regardless of who is in the oval office, nothing will change and I will still get the short end of the stick. Both candidates talk about tax breaks, but both also agree that those who make above a certain amount (us) will have to pay more taxes (great). So no matter who is in the office, we will pay more. Neither candidate make any promises to more equality for me and my family, but both make very vague promises to not take away more rights.

There was an article this Sunday about how almost 100 percent of LIRR retirees receive copious disability benefits (whether they are disabled or not). I hear stories all the time about able-bodied people who ate collecting disability. There is a report today about how NYC pays 74 million a year for teachers who don’t have to work. This 700 billion dollar bailout plan? Are you kidding me? And how about that tidbit that former Goldman CEO and now secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson, who has 800 million dollars in Goldman stock. Don’t you think he has a very personal interest in keeping these banks afloat?? 800 MILLION. Think he is objective? Hmmm, what a coincidence, as the Church lady used to say. And McCain was the chairman of the Senate banking Committee, the very same committee that apparently approved a lot of the actions that got us into the mess we are in today.

Everything and everyone seems corrupt. I know this isn’t the most mature attitude, but today I just feel like it is all bullshit and everyone sucks. Every day huge news bombs are dropped on us; each one deserving of its own Time Magazine Special issue.

I feel like one needs an MBA to understand what is going on. So allow me to direct you to Nicole’s Brand New, Hot Off the Presses blog. Alas, she has no cute pictures, but she does have an MBA and a very down-to-earth way of explaining the mess we are in.

Pictured above, our visit to the community garden over the weekend, which you won’t see on Nicole’s blog. Not liek I am competitive or anything.