This Post is Completely Plagiarized: With Apologies/Gratitude to C.

This post is completely plagiarized; words and ideas stolen from a dead woman, no less. Recently a woman in our building died and Nicole and I went to her funeral. The minister delivered a beautiful sermon that he said was actually an email sent to him by the deceased woman (before she died, obviously!). It was so moving and humbling and well said. I emailed the priest and asked him if he could email me the sermon. I really wanted to save it and reread it when I was having One Of Those Days. He never responded. Discouraging.

I decided to recreate it myself, in the same spirit and general outline, because the message is important for me to remember. So this is her dream, her ideas and her message; I am just the messenger.

It starts out with a dream. C., who was dying of cancer, dreamt that she was getting a tour of heaven. Her angel guide took her to a huge room, miles and miles and miles long. It was filled with millions of angels working hard. C. asked what this room was and her angel guide responded: “This is the prayer receiving department. This is the place where the prayers of the people of the world go. The prayers are organized here.” Then the angel guide took C. to a second room, equally as large, but twice as busy. C. asked what this room was. Her angel guide responded: “This is the prayer fulfillment department. All of these angels are busy working on answering people’s prayers.” The guide then took C. to a third room. This room was small, tiny even, with a single desk and one single angel sitting at it. “What room is this?” C. asked. “Well,” said her guide said, “This is the Acknowledgment Department. This is the place where people’s appreciation and thanks are received. It only needs one part time worker.”

That was the general gist of it. Maybe this wasn’t really a dream of hers, but rather perhaps an allegory that is passed around religious circles to remind people to Thank God or whoever they worship. Maybe it is an internet spam message, like that “wear Sunblock” graduation speech. Regardless, it moved me, it resonated in me. The message is clear: Many of us want want want and when we get, we lack appreciation. And many of us are not grateful for what we already have.

To illustrate her point, C. went on to list so eye-opening statistics. I wasn’t able to remember all of them (I had to research each one here to get the proper percentages) but, again, this is the gist of it:

• If you have internet access, consider yourself part of an elite crowd: Only 10 percent of the world’s population can claim access.

• If you live on more than $1.25 a day, consider yourself lucky: 1.4 billion (that’s 25 percent of developing country populations) live on less than $1.25 a day. Think of that the next time you spend five buck on a grande something at Starbucks.

• If you have a working toilet at your disposal, you are privileged: 2.6 billion of the world’s citizens have no toilets and no access to toilets.

• If you have running water, you are lucky: One in two of the world’s population don’t have running water. Think of that the next time to step into a shower.

• If you have ever used a phone, you are indeed privileged: Half of the people in this world have never made a phone call. And to think most of us have cell phones, land lines and Blackberries at our disposal.

• If you own or lease a car or have access to a car, then you are part of the 9 percent of the world’s population that can claim that. 91 percent of the world’s population do not have a car or have access to a car.

• If you have the ability to further your education, you are in an elite crowd: About 25 percent of the world’s population have a bachelors degree and nine percent have a Masters degree.

The things I take for granted are the things that make me one of the lucky. I bitch about washing dishes, but who knew that running water is such a rare commodity? In theory, I know this, but it is easy to forget about the rest of the world. We don’t see true poverty that much in our neck of the world.

I’d like to think I am a grateful person. I am grateful for my two daughters: As a woman who never thought that she would get pregnant and stay pregnant and who tried for years to get pregnant, I am still shocked that I have two living, breathing babies in my life. I am grateful for Nicole and our home and my life. I am grateful for health, but don’t like to think about it, for fear of jinxing us. I am grateful that I am not visiting loved ones in a cancer hospital or worrying about paying the electric bill or wondering how to afford food. But I am not a saint and this gratitude often gets buried. How do we unbury this? How do we eschew this sense of entitlement or this false sense of need and this disease of more more more?

C.’s ultimate message was that none of us are promised more than this very moment, and we need to be grateful for that, and we need to be grateful for all that we have already been given, because if we started to keep score, we would realize we all already have a lot.

Pictured above, the girls on their Stone Ponies. And below that, the awesome Pink, at a live show she gave in NYC on Halloween. I really need (there is that “need” word again….) a zoom lens. Her new album is awesome.

How Many People Mention "Sulfuric Air" in Their Wedding Vows?

Thanks, all, so much for the good wishes! It has only been four days since the Big Day, but already it feels like months! Is hat a good thing or bad thing? Regardless, here is a script from the ceremony:

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Justice of the Peace selected this to read this excerpt from an Adrienne Rich poem:

No one has imagined us. We want to live like trees
sycamores blazing through the sulfuric air
dappled with scars, still exuberantly budding
(I told you from the first I wanted daily life,
this island of Manhattan was island enough for me.)
If I could let you know — two women together is work
nothing in civilization has made simple,
two people together is a work
heroic in its ordinariness,
the slow-picked, halting traverse of a pitch
where the fiercest attention becomes routine
— look at the faces of those who have chosen it.

Justice of the Peace:
Nicole and Jennifer, do you vow…
• To love each other deeply?
• To seek new experiences together and grow together? 

• To share your joys and successes, and support each other through your sorrows, disappointments and frustrations?
Do you vow…
• To face adversity with the goal of coming together rather than coming apart?
• To comfort each other when you cry, care for each other when you are sick, support each other when you strive, and share in joy and happiness?
Finally, do you, Nicole and Jennifer, vow…
• To cherish each other and to be grateful for each day together?
• To commit to the journey, even when you do not know the way?
• To create a loving home for each other and for Madeline and Avery?

WHAT IS IN YOUR HEARTS THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO SAY TO EACH OTHER NOW?
[Nicole’s to Jennifer]: I am grateful to have found my soul mate, the person who understands me, supports me and even humors me when I might be acting up. The safety and security you provide fills me with confidence that as bad as times may appear they never really will be that bad. You inspire me. You make me want to keep getting better — to be a better spouse, mother, friend, sister, daughter. You set a high bar. You are devoted, loving, generous to those in your orbit and I’m lucky to be revolving around you more closely than the others. You gave me a precious gift when you brought Madeline and Avery into the world. I could not conceive of more joy and love than what we already shared together. Who knew there was an entirely different and wonderful dimension to our love? You did. You are a phenomenal mother to our daughters. You’re gifted and our girls will grow up to be great women for having grown up with you influencing their lives. I cherish you, I have always cherished you and I will forever cherish you.

Jennifer to Nicole:
• It’s been almost seven years of blissful domesticity,
• Six annual lunches at Tea and Sym on the Eve of Christmas Eve,
• 5 amazing nieces and nephews, three of which we born during us
• A new family of four, expanded from a family of two about 17 months ago,
• at least 3 new computers and computer-related personal breakdowns, if my counting is correct,
•Two homes, two cars, and, most importantly two adorable, perfect, and well-worth-the-wait little girls,
• And now, one marriage to last the rest of our lives.

When I sat down to compose some thoughts, an old manifesto came to mind. Instead of hacking it into new pieces or plagiarizing myself, I though I would just quote myself:

“When I was in Bermuda I went for a walk and ended up at a church. It is the oldest church in the western hemisphere, but that isn’t the point. It was hot and the church was cool, so I sat there for a while, maybe almost a half-hour. But that isn’t the point. I thought about you the whole time, and even that isn’t my point. What is significant is that I had one of those flashes, that everything is just how it should be and life is impossibly good. I my not be winning anything yet but my bases are loaded and it feels like its only a matter of time until everything falls into place. And that flash lasted longer than a flash; it was more like a wave that washed over me. That flash become a moment and that moment became momentous. And I wish I could live in that moment. Step into it somehow and push out the edges and expand it, make it last forever. And for some reason I feel like I can only do that with you and that that is monumental.”

Well, I am happy to report that that moment has expanded to a lifetime. I lead a charmed life, and it is all because of you. How did I get so lucky? You make my future bright; you make my past conquerable; and you make my present perfect, even when the days are bogged down in rituals and routines and the ups and downs of daily life. I have never been so sure of anything or anyone in my life. I won the lotto, and, yes, we both know it is you who turns dreams into lightening, even full-on electrical storms.

And, finally, few more promises:

• I promise to never make you part with the ancient fan, despite the threat of missing digits; or make you part with the very impractical rarely driven Mercedes that only seats two ; or make you part with your bizarre collection of empherma currently relegated to closets and storage.
• I promise to tuck you in every night AND turn off the table lamp and to fulfill your desire for the pleasure of clean sheets.
• I promise to never stop trying to met your maturity level; not to panic when you panic; and not forget that you are still the beautiful, witty, caring, calm, successful hero that I feel in love with.


[RING EXCHANGE]
Justice of the Peace: These rings are a symbol of the unbroken circle of love. Love freely given has no beginning and no end. May these rings remind you always of the vows you have taken here today.
“With this ring, I pledge my love and commitment”
Justice of the Peace: Let these rings serve not as locks binding you together, but as keys, unlocking the secrets of your hearts for each other to know, and thus bringing you closer together forever.
By the power vested in me under the laws of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, I now pronounce you legally married.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Pictured above, the girls went to a Halloween party. Obviously, they were puppies. Ask them what a doggie says and they sorta saw WOOF. Here is Avery practicing jazz hands and Madeline eating rocks when she thinks no one is looking.

The Deed Is [Legally] Done

All that stress and worry and planning and lack thereof is over. We are officially married! I was so nervous that at times I felt like I was going to throw up! There is no way I could have a large wedding. If I could have said my vows alone in a closet with Nicole, I would! The weather was gorgeous and the girls were so well behaved, thanks to the expert handling of Nicole's friend, Beth. Nicole started crying the second the Justice of the Peace began to talk. I read my vows at lightening speed. ( I'll check and see if Nicole doesn't mind if we post the vows, because hers to me make me sound like a saint! Ha!) Here are some pictures of the day until I can do a play-by-play. I love the action shot of walking to the gazebo, flowers in hand, Nicole right behind me. We look so busy busy busy, hurrying to the chapel. Day One of wedded Bliss was spent making a birthday cake for my nephew; Day Two was spent at a Halloween party for the girls and Day Three will be spent wit a celebratory trip to the gynecologist.

The Girls Are Exploding; I’m Imploding; The World’s Revolting

I have been so busy that I haven’t had time to perform basic grooming habits, let allow have the luxury of writing little updates in my blog. My coffee is ice cold before I can finish drinking it and I even forget t eat some meals. It’s been hectic, to say the least.

I feel like so much has happened since my last post. Avery and Madeline are suddenly little talkers. Perhaps this is the language explosion that I read about? Ask Avery what the doggie says and she barks for us! When Nicole came back from San Francisco, they both decided to reward her for her return by saying “mommy,” though when Avery says it, it sounds more like “Ahh-mmy.” Avery tries to say “choo choo” — emphasis on try — and let me assure you that nothing is cuter than watching her attempt to say this word. Most adorably, she is sort of singing. Every once in a while I can catch a few bars of what sounds like the alphabet song. And yesterday, Madeline said “I” for about twenty minutes straight. They also are both learning more body parts and can now confidently point to bellies, noses, ears and sometimes eyes (which I tend to skip these days, and they poke their eyes in such a way that I am afraid they will scratch a cornea or something).

I have been working on a freelance project that occupies every waking minute when I am not with the girls. That means I have been up to almost midnight every night, falling asleep with my fingertips on the keyboard. I am editing a book with a very soon deadline. Trying to get it in almost-done shape before we leave for Northampton has been torture. But a labor of love, I should add, because it felt so good to be doing something, work wise, that I really enjoy and feel confident in and reminds me of the old me (that I liked). I miss my editing days, and wonder what this all means for my future.

Silly me, thinking that a simple little wedding ceremony would cause not a moment’s worry. We just sent the “script” to the justice of the peace last night (talk about last minute) and I am still writing my vows. I messed up the time of the ceremony. Nicole and I have been going back and forth for weeks as to what time we should do the ceremony, taking into consideration nap times, our friend’s schedules, lighting, temperature, etc. Turns out we booked the JOP for 4:00, which means our two friends up there won’t be able to make it. Our bravado that the girls will be just fine sitting in their stroller watching us and not interrupting the ceremony is a pipedream if ever I heard one. Right now the plan is to ply them with cell phones, remotes and other verboten items, in a lame attempt to keep them distracted. I also go back and forth with trying to find a “babysitter” up there to come for the half hour who can tap dance for the girls so we can have our ten-minute exchange of vows. I go on the Smith College website, thinking there just might be a section on “Looking for a Last-Minute Wedding Sitter?” No luck so far. I checked out the Northampton bulletin board on its town site, but posts are over a year old. Grrrr. And I get so bogged down in the day that I neglect to take care of any of this. And here we are, on the eve of the eve.

Politics and the current state of the country and world are stressing me out, and I know I am not alone. Enough already. I am not enjoying the polarizing effects of this campaign and am particularly disdained by this assumption that “my choice” is going to ruin the country, the economy and the world. Really? Can’t we agree that whoever inherits the Oval Office is f*cked? I am not really convinced “change” is going to come, regardless of who is in office. I am still voting for Obama, but, at the same time, I know if he wins, that means higher taxes for my family and I know that he won’t bring about a single change for the rights I am concerned about. So we are screwed if he wins, but I still thinks this is best for the country. Discouraging, to say the least.

This election has me reconsidering many of my own political beliefs and understandings. My eyes have been opened in many ways. But this country is on a scary path; that, at least, I think we all can agree on. If the media were to be trusted and believed, we are all going to end up on the streets or embroiled in some sort of revolutionary panic state. I can’t stand the coverage anymore. So Plains kids traveled on Alaska’s dime? I am not sure I think that is a bad thing. Obama is going to Hawaii to be with an ailing grandmother? Not sure that is a bad thing either. Yet the media construes these events to such extremes, making Palin seem corrupt for wanting to have her children with her and Obama is corrupt for wanting to reach out to the woman who raised him. I think both of these actions show good family values. If Palin left her kids, the media would call her a bad mother. If Obama didn’t’ go to visit his grandmother, the media would say he was a heartless grandson. Damned if they do and damned if the don’t.

And here I sit, distracted in my own world.

Life will calm down considerably after this weekend. Just in time for the holiday season madness to begin. And did I mention that as of last week, Christmas items are cluttering the shelves of my local stores? I swear it starts earlier and earlier.

Pictured above, Madeline and Avery enjoying the beauty of fall. It is so cold these mornings I have to bundle up before going to the gym. But I love the chill in the air. And below that, my first attempt at waffles with a new waffle iron. That little piece of white in the bottom half of the waffle would be plastic from the butter. I am happy to say my waffles have improved much since this attempt, but the bar was set pretty low.

I Need To Get Back To Work, But First.....

• I took the girls to the beach yesterday and they loved it. They played with driftwood and rocks and dried up pieces of seaweed and laughed at the seagulls. The sand was tricky to walk in for them, which slowed them down a bit, so I was okay if they were more than ten steps away from me. Their reduced speed reminded me that I wanted to explore using ankle weights or weighted vests on the girls to dampen their speed.

• I am not good at feeding myself when Nicole is gone. The first night, I skipped dinner. Last night I had a peanut butter sandwich. I skipped lunch today because I sat down instead to write this. Tonight I have no dinner plans and think I will eat pretzels instead.

• I sleep terribly when Nicole is away. I fall asleep reading my Scrabble strategy book and wake up throughout the night. I’m pretty certain I hear tree branches scratching on the windows (there are no tree branches round these here parts) and I swear I hear footsteps on the roof, which would be very scary, as we live on the to floor. I can’t wait till the girls are older, so they can sleep with me because I am scared sleeping alone. Maybe I need a nightlight.

• My free time was shrunk to about zero minutes per day. I am editing a book, which is extremely time consuming. The deadline is fast approaching, too. It feels really good, though, to be using a brain skill set that I don’t exercise that often. It makes me miss the journalism life. Someone needs to jump in here and remind me how not great that life is.

• Nicole comes back on Friday. We are going to a BBQ at our friend’s on Saturday, but Sunday is all about mass quantities of editing. Then there is Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday we leave for Northampton. And then Friday the big event.

• Suddenly, when I am all alone with no relief in sight, it is critical for me to get a manicure, a pedicure and see a movie. Of course, if Nicole were home I be content to remain on the couch or lounging in bed, doing my work.

• We are pretty sure Avery is trying to sing the ABC song. Avery also likes to climb more than ever. First word was Abby and second word is pee pee. Again, these are words used in context. I think she said “bye-bye pee pee” when I changed her diaper yesterday. She waved bye bye to mommy when we did a video chat this morning. Madeline is quite the helper. When it is clean up time before bed, she picks up everything and puts it back where it goes. She even flattens herself on the floor and sticks her hand under chairs and couches to extract hidden toys. Avery, on the other hand, comes over to the bag we are filling and turns it over to dump its contents on the floor again.

• Pictured above, problem & temporary solution. And Madeline crowns Avery Queen of All She Surveys.

Life in a Recession/Depression

The world is falling apart. The economic crisis Part of me prefers not to know things: I don’t want to know how much Nicole’s 401(k) lost; I don’t want to know how much money the girls’ college accounts have lost; I don’t want to know much low Nicole’s company stock is. This ignorance/choice to live in ignorance I liken to lane changing without looking.

I realized yesterday that the home equity loan my mother was living off of would have most likely been cut off. And with banks so tight with credit, etc., it might have been impossible for us to swoop in and save my mother from foreclosure and financial ruin. The economy was bad last March, but it is much, much worse now.

So part of me is living like we are on the verge of a Depression. I think I need to ration the amount of shampoo I squirt into my hand and I must find recipes that utilize the approximately 200 pounds of beans in my cabinets (an impulse buy at BJs). And all is going well for a day or two and then I blow it all because I MUST buy some ridiculous thing that we don’t need (for example, a new picture frame).

One purchase that I am happy with is Abby. Avery’s first word (that is, a word said clearly and in context) is “Abby,” as in the Sesame Street character. This was an unusual development, since she has never seen Sesame Street. However, as I wrote before, she does have a hand-me-down book that Nicole reads to her a lot, and Avery in particular loves it. So yesterday I took the girls to the toy store and bought an Abby doll. Avery loves it, or I guess I should say her. She puts Abby in the mini stroller and pushes her around. She gives Abby hugs and kisses. She just looks at Abby and says “Ahhh-beeeeeeeee.”

Avery was the lucky recipient of a new toy because she was such a good girl at the doctor’s. She has this cyst-like growth on her finger that is probably the size of one of those mini peas. The doctor said it was nothing scary, which is a HUGE relief, but said that we would have to see a hand surgeon because it is on her joint. And to remove it would require Avery to be under full anesthesia. The cyst isn’t hindering Avery’s hand growth at all, so removing it would be for cosmetic reasons, so there is no way we will remove it. Not until she is old enough to have it done with a local anesthesia in an office setting. The idea of her being fully under scares the hell out of me. And to subject her to that because of vanity (which would be ours at this point and not hers) is ridiculous. I was so grateful for our healthy girls and grateful that this is our biggest issue that I celebrated by buying the girls the aforementioned new toys.

Nicole leaves for San Francisco and I am flying solo again.

Pictured above, the girls napping at Aunt Mina’s.

Reason-al vs. Season-al vs. Lifetimers

It is officially fall, with a hint of winter, even. I was actually really chilly on the way to the gym this morning and regretted not wearing a warm jacket. And the heat in our building switched on, which is a sure sign of dipping temperatures. The weather change seemed to happen so quickly. I’m not complaining (yet) because I love the fall and love the chilly weather, but winter with toddlers in New York City is not going to easy, I fear. I look forward to snow days when I can put them in snow suits, because I feel like once they are layered in those puffy winter outfits they won’t be as fast moving. I am also considering custom-making ankle weights for them. They are too fast.

For someone who prides herself on organization, I am not terribly organized about the upcoming wedding. I have yet to reserve the gazebo; I have yet to figure out what to wear; and I haven’t even thought about pictures, video, etc. Time runs away from me at an alarmingly fast rate. I don’t know where the hours, the days and the weeks go, cliché but true.

And Nicole leaves for San Francisco this weekend and will be gone for a week. One week. Well, six days, but still, it is a long time.

Over the weekend, my friends threw me a mini shower, which was really a brunch with presents! We met at Max Brenners in the East Village. It was so much fun. These are people I have been friends with for twenty plus years. It reminds me of that quote about how friends come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. These are the lifetimers. It is amazing how we are all still close, even though we no longer live in the same town or play field hockey together or drive around aimlessly on a Saturday night. There is a part of me that feel like all friends need to be lifetimers like this, but I am slowly realizing that there is a place for reasonal and seasonal friends. For me, that is huge. Me, the one who hates to burn bridges and let friendships go, is starting to grow up a bit. But these are the people that I might end up living with a la Golden Girls 50 years from now.

What I really enjoyed was the portion of the brunch when everyone made a bead bracelet for me. They dropped beads onto a string while offering wishes, wisdom and advice. I am a sucker for that sort of stuff; symbolism is everything to me. That is why I love charm bracelets. I will be that (hopefully) crazy old great grandmother clutching my bead bracelet and charm bracelet in my knobby fingers, trying to explain it to my great great grandkids.

An interesting development: My children are products of the Advertising and Commercialization, despite my best efforts. Avery’s first word might be Abby, which is interesting since she has never seem Sesame Street. They have a hand-me-down book that features Abby, and she loves to read it, so that is where she got it from. The other day she starts saying “Abbb-hee. Abb-heee,” in context. Yesterday, She said “mommy,” but the refused to say it again when prompted, instead smiling devilishly. They both say Mama, but randomly. No dada, interestingly. They also say Gay Agenda (just kidding). They speaks volumes in babble, and recently their babble has rounded a decidedly enunciated corner. It is very cute. If I ask for a kiss, they usually shake there head no, but if I ask for a honk-honk, they oblige and pinch my nose. To sum up: No affection, but sure, they will squeeze my nose.

And random notes: In my attempts to stop buying processed food, I made stuffing from scratch and it is safe to say it was awful, epically so. Why do foods that are less processed and better for you taste so bad sometimes? I LOVE Stove Top, bit mine tasted nothing like it. It was so soggy that it was almost inedible, though Nicole ate most of hers and said it was nit bad, which means either she has gotten good at lying to me or she has really lowered her standards for my cooking. Maybe I need to try another recipe. Or maybe I just need to buy Stovetop and stop worrying that it will kill me. Despite that setback, I am attempting another recipe tonight that requires bread: Onion bread soup. It is such a good day for something like that.

I forget: Will a nonstick wok kill us?

Pictured above, the Lifetimers through the ages: Circa 1999, 2000-something and last weekend.

Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe oh and Breathe

• Nicole made a joke other night about losing her job. NOT funny. Her company is going through its four? Fifth? round of layoffs, two thousand this time. While we are fairly certain she will be safe once again, one can’t help but to panic in these times, when we are facing the worse economic crisis and massive uncertainly and new Wall Street headlines every day. She works at a bank, for the love of god. No one is safe. The bank could lay off anyone at this point, and just shrug its massive shoulders and say “it’s the economy. Sorry. ” And why not her? I would think it is advantageous to get rid of those who make higher salaries and get bigger bonuses. If I ran the bank, that’s what I would do.

But Nicole’s innocent joke rankled me: The me that worries about stability; the me that was raised by a single mom who never got child support or alimony and who always worried about her mom’s financial stability and will we need to sell the house and move?; and the me who is a daughter of a woman who cleaned houses and did anything she could to support her daughter and herself. There was one winter when my mom couldn’t afford to buy me a new winter coat, and a growth spurt rendered last year’s completely unwearable. Her aunt and uncle took me to Burlington Coat Factory and bought me a fancy red wool coat and a matching red plaid scarf and red gloves and I felt SO special. I remember walking through the aisles with my mom, trying different ones on, not realizing the distant look in her eyes was sadness and defeat. I remember hanging the new coat on my door, in excitement for wearing it the next day. It wasn’t till years later that I realized WOW, we couldn’t afford a coat.

• Speaking of no alimony and child support, my dad is in town from China. With his much younger girlfriend (my age). He’s been here since Monday, but I haven’t spoken with him yet. Guess I am not on the top of the To Call list. I act like it doesn’t bother me but oh how it does. His visits always cause lots of undigested emotions to burble up in me.

• And back to the economy. I feel like we need to stop spending money now. I don’t’ think we are extravagant by any means, but it’s the little things. Like today, I am going to Bed Bath and Beyond because I can’t get through the day without buying a new picture frame, shoe stretchers, new electric toothbrush heads, and at least one impulse item. And then off to William Sonoma because I NEED kitchen scissors. But when I am in the shower, I think “I need to use less shampoo because we could be heading into a depression.”

• My left shoulder hurts. I have to get an MRI for my hearing loss (this has been on my medical to do list for two years), and a sonogram of my thyroid (doctor-ordered a year ago). And Breast Cancer Awareness Month has me freaked out because I do breast exams exactly never.

• My patience is fraying at the seams. Waiting for Word to launch sometimes pushes me over the edge. Waiting for water to boil seems like an eternity. Toddler activities can get repetitive after thirty seconds. After the seventh reading of the same book, I start flipping the pages really fast and reading really fast. By the tenth reading, I don’t even bother to read the words. I even, on two occasions, threw the book ACROSS the room and said “Enough!” in too loud a voice, like a five-year-old, and ran out of the room. And when the girls start acting like that I guess I have no one to blame but myself. After all, what are children if not tiny mirrors that reflect your best and worst qualities?

• The girls both have runny noses, so I suspect this is either the start of a cold or more crazy teething. But the way Avery has been throwing around her toys this morning and complaining, I suspect it is a cold.

• We need to find a babysitter, but I don’t even know where to begin. I can’t imagine walking out the door and saying goodbye and leaving my girls with a stranger. No no no. But we need to learn to do just that.

• My friends and I are getting together this Sunday for brunch, and this always stirs mixed feeling. I am happy because these are people I have been friends with for decades and it is always good to spend time together. But then I am said because I can’t help but to think inside Why Can’t We Do This All the Time? Obviously, we all have our own families and careers and obligations and we no longer live in the same town. But it always makes me long for that simpler, younger life when we were all so, I don’t know, carefree? When I worried about finding the right lipstick color and we wondered how t spend a Friday night. One of these friend’s toddler daughter left a message for me on my voice mail yesterday and I made me ache in a way I just can’t describe.

To sum up: Father issues, mother issues, career stability fears, economy fears, health fears, need a babysitter quandaries, missing my friends, patience issues, and where oh where is my serenity?

If I make it through the day without eating a box of Junior Mints and a bag of pretzels, it will truly be an accomplishment.

I Should be Writing About My Melancholy Instead

I feel sorry for Sarah Palin. She was Messiah-fied by the media after her first speech and now she is being crucified, even by members of her own party. Politics aside, I think of her as another woman, a mother, who struggles to balance family and work, who wonders if she looks good or bad, who thinks she needs to have a date night with her husband, who worries about her health and her family and her eating habits and her retirement. I may not agree with her at all politically, but at the end of the day, she is a sleep deprived mother (of a new baby, no less, and a teenage daughter who is pregnant), a wife, a daughter and a friend who is just trying to live her life.

Thursday’s debate is going to be huge. One of two things will happen: Either she will crash and burn in a monumental way, SNL-fodder way, making even Dan Quayle look like a genius, or she will rise to the occasion in an unbelievable way, thus making her and McCain’s election inevitable. I am still not clear why McCain chose her, since she is so lacking in experience. Yes, she runs a state, if you will, but let’s be frank: It’s not like she closes her door, sits in a big, wing-backed leather chair and rules (for some reason, Dr. Claw, the evil guy in Inspector Gadget, comes to mind). She is surrounded by her own entourage of aides, policy experts, panels, analysts, assistants and department heads, who help guide her and make decisions. When all else fails, she can rule by the doctrines of her political party. (Gay marriage? Deny! Less social welfare programs? Pass!) I don’t want to sound too naïve, by I truly believe that almost anyone can rise in politics under this paradigm.

Where else but in American can a poor student, heavy drinker, born again baseball fan rise to the highest political office in the country? Oh, that’s right, he is from a wealthy, white, politically connected family. Bush has lowered the bar, so maybe Palin does have a shot.

I feel like we are all learning a lot this election season, and it isn’t all that pretty. I also learned how to properly pronounce Nevada (Na-vaaad-duh, instead of Na-vah-duh and Pock-eeeee-Stahn instead of Pack-eh-stan). All these years, I have been sounding like an ignorant fool.

So Congressed overruled a 700 billion bailout (by the way, I read somewhere that “bailout” is leaving a sour taste in everyone’s mouth. A little spin, like “economic recovery plan” might inspire rather than divide)., and instead we lost 1.2 trillion dollars. 1.2 trillion, which looks like 1, 200,000,000,000 (quadrillion comes after 100 billion, because how soon until we start talking about deficits in the quadrillions?). We are in such deep shit. It makes me long for Little House on the Prairie days, when you paid for things cash on the barrel (what an evocative image) and didn’t live in credit card debt and in credit hell. No one own anything anymore. Cars, homes, even the clothes and food we all buy is on credit. (see new poll at right.)

Bush is making another short speech for us today? Why?? Shouldn’t he be speaking to Congress instead? Or helping develop a deal that makes everyone a little happier? After all, HUNDREDS of congressmen and women refused to pass the deal, from both parties. But Bush wants to tell us once again how shitty everything is and how important this is. Thank you, Master of the Obvious.

By the way, America Wife by Curtis Sittenfeld was incredibly good. Read it now.

Anyway, this post isn’t supposed to be about politics or bailouts . But I have run out of time, as the girls are both up and talking to each other, which means my alone time is winding down. They had their 15 month appointment recently and they weight 24 (M) and 26 pounds (A). They are such little toddlers now. They love to “read” books, especially ones with flaps that need to be lifted. Avery can hiss like a snake and likes to say hi to things like ceiling fans and animals on the street, but won’t say hi to people. Madeline has huge feet (long and wide) and still loves collecting like items and moving them from place to place, I would love to see her daily To Do list. They are the lights in my life and the drainers of my energy.

Pictured above, the little ladies.

Welcome to The Grapes of Wrath: 2008 Edition

Today is officially the first day of fall, which makes me very happy. This past week it has been downright chilly in the morning, so much so that I need to bring a sweatshirt with me on my morning pre-sunrise walk to the gym. The girls need to wear socks when we go out and usually long sleeves. And, best of all, no more air conditioning. That should help keep our electric bill down. Our electric bill is about $100 more a month than last year. Pathetic.

We spoke with our justice of the peace last night to go over details. We need to decide what to be pronounced: Should she say I now pronounce now legally married? Or wife and wife? Or woman and wife? Or partners for life? Nicole leans toward legally married, which seems very much her: Straight and to the point. I lean toward none of the options, of course, because they all sound so imposter-like, when you have spent 36 years hearing “husband and wife” and, more hideously, “man and wife.” So we need to work out some of these little details, but the bigger decisions, like date (October 24th) and place (gazebo at Look Park) are done. I’d also like to hire a photographer to take a few pictures, so if anyone in that area knows of any photographers (professional or otherwise: I’m fine with a hobbyist with a good camera and a good eye, too) please let me know.

I am beginning to reach political saturation and a starting to think who cares who wins this election. I can’t shake the feeling that regardless of who is in the oval office, nothing will change and I will still get the short end of the stick. Both candidates talk about tax breaks, but both also agree that those who make above a certain amount (us) will have to pay more taxes (great). So no matter who is in the office, we will pay more. Neither candidate make any promises to more equality for me and my family, but both make very vague promises to not take away more rights.

There was an article this Sunday about how almost 100 percent of LIRR retirees receive copious disability benefits (whether they are disabled or not). I hear stories all the time about able-bodied people who ate collecting disability. There is a report today about how NYC pays 74 million a year for teachers who don’t have to work. This 700 billion dollar bailout plan? Are you kidding me? And how about that tidbit that former Goldman CEO and now secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson, who has 800 million dollars in Goldman stock. Don’t you think he has a very personal interest in keeping these banks afloat?? 800 MILLION. Think he is objective? Hmmm, what a coincidence, as the Church lady used to say. And McCain was the chairman of the Senate banking Committee, the very same committee that apparently approved a lot of the actions that got us into the mess we are in today.

Everything and everyone seems corrupt. I know this isn’t the most mature attitude, but today I just feel like it is all bullshit and everyone sucks. Every day huge news bombs are dropped on us; each one deserving of its own Time Magazine Special issue.

I feel like one needs an MBA to understand what is going on. So allow me to direct you to Nicole’s Brand New, Hot Off the Presses blog. Alas, she has no cute pictures, but she does have an MBA and a very down-to-earth way of explaining the mess we are in.

Pictured above, our visit to the community garden over the weekend, which you won’t see on Nicole’s blog. Not liek I am competitive or anything.

Thanks, Weak Dollar, For Destroying Another Gift Occasion For Me

My brain hurts from trying to figure out the time zone distance every time I think of Nicole. She is in London, five hours ahead, and for some reason this simple mathematical equation makes my head hurt. It’s noonish here so it is quitting time over there for her.

The ladies and I are on Day Two of our alone existence. So far, it has been fine (knock on all wood). Bedtime last time was a breeze (both down by 6:15); they slept until almost 8:00; and except for a little moodiness during the day (it might be teeth or missing mommy, who can tell) all was well. But today is Tuesday, and I have to do this until Friday, with no good gifts to look forward to as an incentive since the dollar is so weak in England. So to make myself feel better, I’m heading up to Williams-Sonoma to buy cookie cutters.

Nicole’s first post, which I posted here and she posted on her Facebook page, has generated lots of discussion. I am loving the debate, and learning things from others. (By the way, she said it is ok to forward what she wrote to others.)

Below are my comments to Nicole’s post, because the girls are waking up and I don’t have time to be original. Above are pictures of Maddie grabbing her cow duck. I would love to frame these pictures and put them in the bathroom, but Nicole doesn’t believe in pictures in the bathroom.

___________________________

OK, my thoughts:

It’s great that McCain does not endorse an amendment to the constitution banning gay marriage, but he also doesn’t propose/support an amendment in favor of it. Neither does Obama. Both want kudos for NOT supporting a ban, but neither is strong enough to stand up and say “Let’s get this worked out for our gay American friends!” As if the world will fall apart if the country recognized my right to marry Nicole.

I don’t care how maverick McCain thinks he is or how maverick/pro-change Obama thinks he is: In the end, both will capitulate to the doctrines and dogma and desires of their respective parties. Both presidential noms and Biden (not Palin) are very much members of the DC Insider’s Club, as was Hillary. No surprises there. Palin? To me, just a distraction. At this point, 99 percent of this election is focused on her. We (I mean “we” in the universal sense) are all so busy busy busy debating, discussing, denouncing and demonizing Palin that we are completely distracted from the REAL issues.

Frankly, neither candidate really has any plan to increase rights for me, and it is quite frustrating. In my lifetime, I hope to see this corrected. I take comfort in the fact that no civil rights movement has ever failed (in other words, laws protect, even when hatred and prejudice exists) but I am getting a bit impatient. Here is a sample thought process: If I die in a car accident alone, what hoops will Nicole have to jump through to make sure no one takes her children away from her? Until the adoption is complete (and 15K later) our girls are considered all mine and not hers and in the event of my death, wards of the state. My straight married friends don’t need to worry about that, thank goodness. But these sort of things can keep me up at night.

I identify with democrat for many reasons, but that is not to say that I am thrilled to bits with Obama. I am not. I am still perplexed by the Messiah-fication of Obama, who was a virtual unknown to the rest of the country (but not Illinois) until the last election’s DNC. But after his big speech, he became the kinder, gentler politician who could do no wrong, a media and political darling. Instant superstar. Sounds a little like Palin, no? Except she is getting the nasty end of the media. And while it was discouraged to be brought up during Hillary’s campaign, I think it is worth it to revisit sexism.

But why I vote for Obama: Obama most likely won’t take rights away from me or appoint justices who might takes rights away from me. I can’t say the same about McCain.

And Now A Very Good Word From My Sponsor.....

We have been talking politics in our home. A lot. In fact, on the drive up to Massachusetts on Friday (to pick up our Big Gay Marriage License), we spent most of the three hour trek up discussing various elements of this year’s election, politics, etc. I think it wouldn’t shock anyone that we are both democrats, both voting for Obama, both bitter that Hillary wasn’t selected as a running mate; but we both can concede to certain republican ideologies and principles, too.

Nicole became so enlivened by the recent turn of political events that it wasn’t enough to just talk it out with me. For the first time in, I don’t know, ever, she typed out a fast and furious manifesto that I happen to think is brilliant. I find this essay about politics to be quite politic (in the true definition of the word: tactful, diplomatic, shrewd). But I am not exactly the most equitable judge. She has allowed me to post her manifesto here, so you can be the judge. I think she has a future as a blogger!
Or politician. Or, a the very least, doctoral-of-something student.
_______________________________________________________________

Are we that gullible?

No, we can’t be. I was convinced that after McCain announced his pick for VP that the majority of women would see right through it. I told myself, “Women are smarter than that. We won’t fall for such an obvious ploy and this will backfire.” I was wrong.

As I listen to the chatter and read my friends’ Facebook comments I’ve come to realize that McCain’s move was sheer brilliance. McCain was right to underestimate American women. He made the right bet that we would pull our heads from out of the sand long enough to catch a few sound bites, conclude that Palin is just what we need (she’s an everyday Jane just like us, right?), and proceed to stick said head right back into said sand. Ignorance is truly bliss.

The women I know are intelligent, sophisticated, successful. So, what makes them like Sarah Palin? She has very little in common with these women and Palin doesn’t represent Feminine values. Yes, she wears lipstick and skirts, is a mother and wife. But, if you think about it she mimics the Masculine and the values of the fundamentalist right-wing party. She’s a modern day Jim Crow, if you will. Palin was chosen to humor women. We may not be exactly equal but it’s close enough. Clearly the right-wing values us; that we made it. If we have a female VP what could we possibly complain about?

Diversity is not just about different genders or ethnicities. Diversity of thought is important as well. Sarah Palin may bring gender diversity but she will not bring a new Feminine way of thinking to the White House. Women bring more that just estrogen to the table so what is the Feminine? I am not a Women’s Studies scholar but I will give you my thoughts. The Feminine is our maternal, peaceful, loving, collaborative side. Men have it as well; some more than others. It is what drives us to care for our children and children of others, to be charitable, to be diplomatic and choose aggression only when threatened, to embrace family, and to connect with others.Most women speak as if they are proud of these values (family, education, charity, peace) but their actions are incompatible if they vote for McCain/Palin. Have we been completely indoctrinated into a culture that snuffs the Feminine? Have we been so brainwashed that we ignore, even deny, the Feminine – what makes us different, special – and adopt the Masculine? Clearly, this is what some women admire in Palin. Who doesn’t want to be the chick who can give guys a run for their money; whether it’s slaughtering caribou, on the sidelines of a hockey game, or in the government offices of Alaska? She must be able to translate this sassiness into something great in DC. In fact, we think she has so much potential let’s put her one step away from the highest office in the country. Really? What’s that about?

We’re scared. For seven years we have been bombarded with propaganda. Al-Qaeda is coming back any day, Iraq is threatening, some Muslim or another is going to sneak in with all the other illegal immigrants (they’re scary, too) and bomb the hell out of us. We watch “24” and thank God that the Republican administration is full of Jack Bauers without whom we all would have died six times over and without a doubt Jack wouldn’t work for Democrat. We need men to keep us safe – let’s ignore the fact that they are the ones that got us into danger.

We’ve brushed aside the Feminine for the good of a nation. We’ve come to believe that striking first is the right thing to do, that lots of guns at home keep us safe, and that healthcare and education are other people’s problems – those issues are important but just not now. We’ve come to believe that it’s OK to be second class citizens, that it’s OK to make 70 cents on the dollar, that we should be proud that a woman actually tried to run for President. Isn’t that an achievement? No, it’s not. A woman should have already been President. We’ve been humored, placated. We’ve been complacent.

Since when is shooting animals out of a helicopter a good thing? Since when is pro-life with no exceptions a good idea? Since when do we believe that the government knows what’s better for us than we do? Should the government tell us what to do with our bodies, what books our children should read, who we should worship? Sarah Palin wants to do exactly that. Doesn’t exactly sound like Feminine values to me. In fact, it sounds a heck of a lot like what fundamentalist men have been trying to accomplish for years.

Whether you are Republican or Democrat is not the issue. What concerns me most is that lack of objectivity and critical thinking. This Alex P. Keaton behavior in which folks are do-or-die Republicans (or Democrats, for that matter) regardless of the changes in that party’s dogma. And the dogma has changed.

I was amused recently when an old friend reminded me that I was pretty conservative in high school. In fact, there was a time during my teens and twenties – dare I say it – when I identified with Republicans. Frankly, the Republican economic theory (aka, “trickle down”) directly benefits me and I do subscribe to some of its ideals. But what was once a party that believed in small federal government and low taxes has morphed into a right-wing fundamentalist, imperialist, and intrusive ideology. Yes, the “Family Values” ideology has been part of the Republican dogma since the eighties (and I wasn’t a fan of it then) but think about how much it’s devolved over the past 20 years.

We think we’ve come a long way and we’re proud of ourselves. We’re politically correct now. We don’t talk about the d*kes, t*wel heads, n**gers, j*ps, ch*nks, w*tbacks, and k*kes the way we used (although, bitch and fag are still fair game). Yup, I just used those words (or at least I would have if I weren’t afraid that Facebook would shut me down regardless of my intent). You don’t use them anymore but if you support the fundamentalist right-wing ideology you vote for something much more subversive and much more dangerous. I’d rather you use those words as then I would at least know who I’m dealing with. The right-wing hates anyone who is different. Are you an immigrant? Oooh, scary. Are you gay? Oh dear lord, please don’t try to marry. Are you black, Hispanic, Asian? Wow, not sure how to deal with you. But, wait, please, please, don’t be Muslim. That’s really scary stuff. Those are the kinds of people that attack countries with no provocation. Those are the kinds of people that send their children to die on a bed of lies. Wait a minute that sounds a lot like us…odd.

Over the past few days I’ve come to realize a few things…

- Women don’t have a cause. We’ve lost all interest in the feminist movement. We’ve grown complacent. We have come to believe that the man will keep us safe. Why don’t we think we could do it better? Do you really think a woman would have attacked Iraq? (Sarah Palin would have but that just proves the rule.) Why did McCain choose Palin and not another more experienced strong Republican woman? Carly Fiorina and Meg Whitman come to mind and I am sure there are many other solid choices for VP. What was his motivation?

• People don’t want to think. They choose a side. They find people they identify with. They stick with it. They ignore the overall impact – on themselves, those they love – in lieu of feeling a part of something. I am amazed that the people who benefit the least from Republican policy identify with and vote Republican.

• People don’t want to take responsibility. We’d prefer to leave the decisions to our organized religions and/or political parties. It’s much easier to point to our religions and say, “Sorry, but that’s just the way it is. That’s how God wants it.” Believe it or not, you can be Christian (I was raised Catholic so this is the religion I am most comfortable discussing) and think for yourself. In fact, I would argue that Christ’s teachings advocate individual responsibility and ownership for your actions. Christ preached the Feminine; peace, love, charity. If Christ were running the country things would be a lot different. The sick wouldn’t go untreated, the hungry would be fed, we would truly strive for peace. For those of you who are Catholics or are part of an organized religion my goal is not to offend. That said, Christians should take the time to read the Gnostic Gospels and the vast amount of credible research on Christ and his teachings. I wonder why we prefer to hide behind religion but I guess the answer is clear. Why is it that your divorce, your abortion, your theft, your aggression, your lack of charity is OK? When you go against your religion’s teachings God’s Ok with it but my homosexuality is not. Because you confess and I don’t? Isn’t that convenient. I guess it is nice to have unlimited do-overs in life and our organized religions provide that.

• People won’t accept the fact that what we should be really afraid of is not outsiders but ourselves. It’s the people who are working hard to quietly erode everything this nation was built on - our rights, our privacy, our independence. Every time we make a decision like, “I think it would be great for Jennifer and Nicole to marry but there are bigger issues like national security.” or “Sure, I think a woman should be able to choose but Republicans won’t be able to overturn Roe v. Wade so what’s the big deal?” or “They would never tap my phones so I think it’s fine that they go after suspected terrorists,” we come a step closer to what we truly fear.

I’ve asked a lot of questions in this diatribe but here’s the really important one. Did you really think it through when you chose your candidate? There are a lot of reasons to vote for McCain (some of them are actually good). Palin isn’t one of them. In fact, I dare say that if you are truly objective and think critically you would realize that Palin should be the final nail in the proverbial coffin. And this year, and maybe only this year for you Alex P. Keaton Republicans, you should vote the Democratic ticket.

Cue The Violins [For Me] But Not The Scary Vampire Music [For Madeline]

I am going though one of those stages when I feel really frustrated with the twin thing. It goes without saying (but bears repeating) that I love both of my children and I grateful every day for both of them. I would never wish that I only had one because can’t imagine my life without both these girls. I don’t wish for less of them, I wish for more of me, because twins are freaking hard.

When I used to spend days with my nephew when he was this age, we would go to the playground twice a day. I can’t do that alone with the girls because they go in two different directions and climb in two different directions and fall in two different directions and they both require my constant attention as a safety measure. I can’t let them walk slowly down the street holding my hand because it is impossible to do with two. I can’t take them to the Children’s Museum because there is a no stroller policy there and I can’t carry two babies around. Petting Zoo with two seems like a nightmare. Mommy and Me classes scare me, since in my case it would be Mommy and Me and Me. Even giving them a bath is hard. I consider myself tough and capable, but I have my limits.

The worst part is it makes me feel like I am a bad mother. I am not fishing for compliments here, but I know I could do better. Or, maybe let’s not say a bad mother but a mother in need of improvement. I am not exactly lounging on the couch all day watching my stories, but with one, I know I could be more active. I am physically able to run after a child all day but I am obviously not able to be in two places at one time. And 15-month olds never seem to want to be in the same place a one time.

When it is the two of us it is a thousand times easier. Over the weekend, we took the girls to a café and then for a little amble in a new community garden. We each held a baby on our lap at the café (there were no highchairs) and gave them little bites of chocolate and our Napoleon. At the garden, Nicole followed one and I followed the other, chasing them around the dangerous rocky paths and down the little slopes. It is much more civilized and manageable with the two of us. And it was fun, a happy family memory carved out of such an otherwise ordinary afternoon.

Instead, by myself, I feel like I am just trying to stay one step ahead of their many needs. I am more of a Toy Arbitrator and a Need Meeter and Day Scheduler than I am a mom. I want my kids to remember me not as a mom who always makes sure they had milk after their naps, but rather as a mom who played with them. I want to go to the parks ad the museums and the classes and the story hours. I want to hop in the car and visit my stay-at-home friends with their kids. I want go on overnight trips to visit faraway friends. I want to go to bed and night and feel like I was an engaged, active and involved mom. I just want to do all of those other things I imagined I would do as a mother but at this age, this stage, I just can’t. And I am having a hard time trying to accept that this isn’t the way I imagined motherhood to be.

Again, I reiterate that this doesn’t mean I wish I only had one baby. It just means I wish I could hurry up and learn how to be a mom to twins.

One thing I think I am doing well is keeping a record of their lives that they can look back on some day (that would be this blog). Some sticky notes: Madeline is starting to experiment with Control, so if you aren’t looking a her, she will take her chubby little hands and turn your chin to face her. Avery performs several trick on demand: Most adorable are Hot Stepper (she steps in place really fast, knees extra high and steps extra fast) and Ski Jumper (she assumes a tuck position, and holds her arms behind her back like ski poles). She also does Knee Walker (self explanatory). They are good little eaters. For breakfast today they each had a waffle spread with yogurt and topped with Cheerios and blueberries. They still go to bed by 6:30 and sleep till 7:00ish and are mostly taking one long nap (almost three hours) and one siesta (about 30 minutes of quiet crib time in the afternoon). They babble all the time and say things that sound like words, but I am still waiting for context. When Nicole comes home they run to her.

They stare at people sometimes like they have never seen another human before in their lives. They love playing a new game called spread the love. I’ll upload a video of that. They love music and “dancing” but Madeline is afraid of Toccata and Fugue in D Minor. Nicole asked me “Why are you playing them scary vampire music?” What is it about organs that makes people think of vampires and monsters? Organs make me think of church. Po-tay-toe pot-tah-toe. But I guess I’ll need to take Back off any playlists, until Madeline chills.

Oh, and I have a puzzle for NYC moms: Does anyone know of a place that rents jogging strollers? Nicole leaves for London on Sunday and I want/need to rent a double jogging stroller for four or five days, so I can burn up some of my own energy, since I won’t be able to go to the gym. I googled but only came up with one place, which didn’t respond to my emails. Any thoughts? You would think this wouldn’t be an impossible get in this city.

Anyone watch Rachel Maddow? I’m intrigued.

Pictured above, some snapshots from our café and community garden adventures. That empty plate used to be a delicious Napoleon.

Things I Don’t Want to Hear on a Plane: A Fearful Flyer’s Manifesto

Things I Don’t Want to Hear on a Plane: A Scared Passenger’s Manifesto

I’ve written before about my unnecessary, unnerving and unavoidable [albeit sudden] fear of flying. I don’t know where it came from and I don’t know how to make it go away. It isn’t simply a control issue thing, as many people project, because I am also terrified when Nicole flies. She has to text me the second the plane lands otherwise I am asking around to people on the street “Did you hear anything about a plane crash?” I’m not kidding. Well, maybe that does, now that I think of it, include elements of control issues. Anyway.

I think all airline employees (pilots, flight attendants, security people and counter service people) should act like the passenger they are dealing with is scared out of his or her mind, like me, so I put forth these rules to follow:

1. No Conditional Tense: Please avoid using this tense at all times when on a plane. I don’t need to hear the insinuation that that an action (staying alive) is dependant on the occurrence of a condition (landing safely/not falling out of the sky). So I don’t want to hear a pilot say “We Should be landing” or “We Should have you on the ground…” Just say we WILL be landing or we WILL be on the ground.

2. No Turbulence Predictions: So I am on the plane, strapped in, trying to stay calm and relaxed before take off, reminding myself continuously that this is a safe and efficient form of transportation and telling myself that I am ridiculous, when the pilot comes on and says that he expects a smooth flight after North Carolina, which our pilot did indeed say on our flight down to Florida. Or on a return flight from England once the pilot warned that things might get a little bumpy over the Atlantic. Which, by the way, is most of the flight. Do they have to give these updates? As a passenger on a plane I expect that there will it pockets of turbulence, so please don’t tell me that the first 500 miles of my trip might be a veritable roller coaster. That’s sort of like driving in a car and someone announcing every pothole. “Here comes a pothole! Oops. There’s another one. Oh, and another. I bet there will be more!”

3. No Interrupted Announcements: Never ever ever start an announce “Good morning, this is the pilot….” and then switch off and leave us hanging. So many times I am on a plane and the pilot will start to make an announcement, only to suddenly stop. Most unnerving is when they stop at critical junctures, like our destination. “Good morning folks! We’ll be on our way to [switch off….long pause] Los Angeles just as soon as we are cleared for takeoff.”

4. No Technical Difficulties Announcements: Why the hell do they tell us that they are sorry for a delay, but they are fixing a mechanical error, and it should be completed in a few minutes and we should be on our way. Tell me you are waiting for the luggage to be loaded (fine) or waiting for snack cups to be delivered (fine). Don’t tell me we are sitting in this plane, take off delayed, because there is a mechanical issue or electrical issue. Just don’t.

5. Do Not Disturb the Pilot: If I asked a flight attendant a question, I don’t expect him or her to call the pilot. On our last trip to Florida, I wandered to the back of the plane and hung out n the galley with Madeline. I asked the flight attendant when we would be landing and he said “Hold on. I’ll check” and proceeded to intercom to pilot. DO NOT disturb them! Don’t you know they are busy keeping us alive? I don’t want my legacy to be a black box recording of a pilot saying answering my timing questions.

6. Don’ Use Jargon: The pilot said that our takeoff was delayed today because of “sequencing in New York.” Now does he really expect that anyone on the flight other then himself and his crew knew what that meant? Is that the new word for “circling the airport?”

That’s all I can come up with now.

We are back, safe and sound, and I am watching the RNC and sitting here typing this. The girls were pretty damn good on the plane. Both were great on the way down. Coming back, both were a little harder to contain, but that is because they just spent a week at the paradise that is Nana’s house, with the lake and two pools and driveway rocks and a sprinkler and grass and docks and fish and car rides to Target every day. They were running and playing and frolicking from the minute they woke up until the minute they went to bed. We had a great time. The girls had a great time.

Some Sticky Notes: Madeline hugged Avery for the first time. The both loved being in water. Madeline is fearless, and runs down the beach into the lake, without stopping. Avery spent a little more time paying with the sand. But both were little guppies.
Avery loves playing Peek-a-boo, and covers her eyes accordingly. Madeline covers the back of her head. Both are officially off diluted juice and are now drinkers of only milk and water. Both seem to enjoy cats. Madeline says MOM (more like ma-hum) a lot; Avery says words that sound like Mommy, Happy and Baby, but not really in context., as much as I want to think she is. Both are much more interested in books (thank God) and bring them over to us when they want them read. When I ask Madeline is she wants to go for a ride in the car, she will walk through the kitchen and into the garage and to the car. Both hand me their pacifiers before they get out of their crib because they know pacifiers are just for night-night. 15 months and 2 days. Where does the time go?

Most people have busy summers. We have a busy fall, a very busy fall. Things are going to get a little hectic round these here parts very soon. But before all that, Nicole will be off to London for work for a week. How how how how am I supposed to do it all alone?

I just bought that new book American Wife and can’t wait to read it. I read Sittenfeld’s first book (Prep) and loved it. American Wife should be interesting, politically, that is. Interesting timing.

Tune in tomorrow for even more disjointed ramblings.

Pictured above, pictures.

Vacation!!