Both Sides Now of the Heart of the Matter

The doctor felt the “bump” that Nicole and I felt and said it was a muscle. I discovered nothing, apparently. Thank goodness. I felt silly for my over-reaction but why take chances? It really felt bump-like to me. I had no idea muscles could feel round and tumor-like and scary.

As a bonus, I got a breast exam. Doctors sometimes have a way of talking that makes you think immediately that you are going to die. To wit:

Doctor (with his hands on my breasts): Do you have a history of lumps in your breasts?
Me: No. Why?
Doctor: Have you ever had any? (still kneading my breast)
Me: No. Why?
Doctor: Not even here, in this quadrant? (knead, squeeze)
Me: No. Why?
Doctor: You sure? Any family history? (knead, knead, knead)
Me: No. Why?
Doctor: Have you felt any lumps?
Me: No why?
Doctor: When did you examine yourself last? (squeeze)
Me: WHY?????

After a long pause, he says, “No reason. Just questions I ask.” I liked my other doctor better, who made small talk about the weather and traffic while she examined me. So uterus seems okay; breasts seem okay and my cervix looked good. Blood pressure is 80 over 50. I don’t take good health for granted anymore.

I went to my friend’s baby shower today. It made me kind of sad because it is the last shower in this particular friend group (my high school friends). An end of an era of sorts. For years now we have attended each other’s showers and parties and weddings and such and now these sort of rights of passage events are over. Which is not to say we aren’t in each other’s lives or won’t see eachother; I just mean that I feel like we have all transitioned now into these new worlds of families and children and careers and all the relevant parties are over.

I have six million thoughts in my head, each one in a different direction. Spending time with my friends, especially when we are all together, it is one of those things that life is all about. What makes life good. As my old therapist would say, it's touching the glue of a relationship, these types of moments. I guess it wouldn't be special if it happened all of the time? On the (long) drive-in-traffic back to the city, The Heart of the Matter came on the radio. I’ve copied the lyrics here before but here it is again, a snippet. The lyrics always, always, always get to me:

There are people in your life who’ve come and gone
They let you down you know
They hurt your pride
You better put it all behind you baby; life goes on
You keep carrying that anger; it’ll eat you up inside, baby
I’ve been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thought seem to scatter
But I think its about forgiveness….

Each time I hear that song, I relate to it in new ways. That song and Both Sides Now, by Joni Mitchell.

I read an article today (yes, I had the life of Riley today, compete with baby shower and drives by myself in the car and a manicure and magazine reading time). Anyway the article talked about how women view their relationships with their mothers differently as they age. And it brought up a point of how women tend to idealize their fathers but scorn their mothers. So the cad-like, evil bastard of a father (and those on the other end of the spectrum) can do almost no wrong but mothers, we drag them over the coals if they so much as sneeze in a way we don’t like. The article mentioned also how we continually seek approval from our mothers. And it might have disagreed to just today I spoke with my mom on the phone and she made a particular comment and wow, I felt over the moon. A little it of praise goes a long way in mother/daughter relationships, both ways.

We leave for Florida tomorrow morning. Two babies and me, the reluctant flyer. Pass the xanax....

Pictured above, is this not the cutest sweatshirt you have ever seen? A zip-up hoodie. I LOVE it. It is my new favorite thing, replacing the mini Le Crueset pot I my heart of favorite Material Items. I like it so much I just bought two more to give to someone. Thing is, it isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, I’m afraid. Not everyone wants to run around in cloudwear. But seriously, how cute are those fangs?! And I’m a sucker for repeating patterns. Avery likes them too: When I wear my heart pajamas, she gets crazy and oh so excited. Stripes push her over the edge.