Good Babies/Bad Mommy

The genetics people finally called with my test results and things look good. I did the integrated screening, which includes first trimester blood work, then the nuchal fold scan at 11 weeks, and then second trimester blood work. Before the screening, they based my risk on age alone (I was two months into 34 when the eggs were retrieved from me). So my risk for Downs Syndrome was 1 in 330. After factoring in the blood results and nuchal results, my results are now 1 in 9,200. Wow. That seems pretty great. Yet I can’t shake from my head the fact that the chances of having a heteroetopic pregnancy like I had (one in tube and one in uterus) are 1 in 7,000 or 1 in 30,000, depending in which journal you believe, and I had one of those. So the increased odds are reassuring, but not so much so that I have no worries. Besides, I am me, after al, and worry-free isn’t in my vocabulary.

The second thing they screened for was neural tube defects. Before the screening, my chances were 1 in 1,000. Now my chances are 1 in 1,700. Now this seems great too, but I can’t help but to wonder if the fact that it didn’t jump as much as the other part mean something bad. Even still, 1 in 1,700 or even 1 in 1,000 are still god odds. After all, think of all those failed cycles I had, when my chances were much greater than 1 in 1,000.

So the question remains, to amnio or not to amnio. With these odds, it is clear that I have a higher chance of having a m/c than I do having a baby with one of these chromosomal abnormalities. Yet it goes against my nature (and luck) to assume to All Is Just Fine. This is why the ultrasound on Thursday is so important. I am hoping things look good then too. But I am still a nervous wreck.

When I get like this, I am a firm believer in doing whatever it takes to make me feel better or give me a little solace, whether that means shutting myself in my home or going to see a movie or eating half a pint of caramel cone ice cream or buying a new book. Of course, all these things provide only temporary reliefs at best, but it makes me feel like I am doing something to make myself feel better, even if that means doing nothing at all (get it?). So to distract myself from this Thursday’s adventures, I took myself to a movie (Notes on a Scandal….very good). The Bad Mommy part comes in when I ate an entire popcorn covered in that awful chemical butter (this is the type of theater where you put the butter on yourself….BAD idea for me). I ate the entire thing without stopping, even as little bits slipped done my shirt, getting lodged in my newly huge chest.

Did I stop at that? Nope. Afterwards, I stopped at Starbuck’s for a cinnamon latte (there are only so many times that I can pass by the 700 Starbucks in the square mile of my neighborhood and see that sign advertising this new steamy delicious-looking concoction and not buy one.) And then there was the toffee almond bar. More crap in my stomach, more bad Mommy guilt. While waiting for my cinnamon creation, my hair stylist happened to come in. She hasn’t seem me in about 6 weeks (oh, the gray) and she and she made a few “Look at you!” and “You really popped” comments, which made me feel pregnant. Then she (and this is a first, outside of Nicole, of course) rubbed my stomach. For like 30 seconds. At first thought, this is a little creepy. I wouldn’t normally let people touch my stomach. But then I reminded myself that there are babies in there. And then it sorta made me feel good. I really am pregnant. I really didn’t think it would ever happen (well, I did when we first started trying, but most of you know what I mean). I just still can’t believe I am in my 17th week. It reminded me how lucky am I.

And then, before she left, she told me that if I wore some tighter fitting clothes (I was wearing an oversized button down) then people might be able to really see that I am pregnant and not think that I just look big. Well, then.

Tomorrow night I have dinner plans with one my favorite people on earth. That will be a great distraction.

And two more toss-and-turn nights till the ultrasound…..