Returning to the Scene of the Fertility Crime

I was diagnosed with this Hashimotos disease/disorder. The bad news: Two of my levels are sky-high. Dr. Google offers some scary insight, including cancer makers and early indicators of some more scary auto-immune disorders/diseases. Yes, I find the worst-case-scenario and work backwards. My doctor (the real one, that is) says it is more of a wait-and-see game. So far, my thyroid function is within normal range, and this means even though my levels are scary high, my thyroid is still doing what it should be. Sort of. However, it is a mater of time before it implodes, or a new auto-immune disease manifests itself. This sort of diagnosis is awful for me. I prefer to know what is wrong, no matter how bad, and what I need to do to fix it. Not knowing, and waiting, is not my most favorite state of being. I see an endocrinologist on Wednesday, which, I hope, will shed more light and offer more guidance. And a magic pill. Please let there be a magic pill.

And my cardiologist: Well, that wasn’t much fun, either. I did not really like the doctor: His bedside manner was awful; he was quick and gruff, and he didn’t bother to knock when he came in, which made for an interesting view upon his entrance. And not in a good way. He had this attitude like “You are here for some ectopic beats? That’s it?” Yeah, that, and the electric jolts I get in my heart area on a daily basis. Even if this is a “hysterical hypochondriac” appointment, shouldn’t he be happy for the money my insurance company will pay? I don’t want to waste anyone’s time but my EKG was off, and listening with the stethoscope on several different visit did indeed indicate extra beats. Isn’t it worth it to follow up on these things?

He gave me a heart monitor to wear for 24 hours, and it is very annoying, not to mention endlessly fascinating to the girls. I just ripped it off, and am teetering on the verge of “I don’t care.” I will drop it off in a little bit, but haven’t committed to a follow-up appointment. It is frustrating to try to figure out health issues, and it is infinitely frustrating that science is not an exact science. Sometimes I feel like I am up for this challenge, and then other times, which is most of the time, I figure, whatever. Let me just ignore, ignore, ignore and maybe it will go away. Or maybe it won’t.

That’s just my frustration speaking. I guess I am not in the best place right now. Oh well.

And the title: A reference to the fact that my cardiologist's office is in the same building ads my first (awful) fertility specialist. Going back to the building was a little traumatizing. Sight of two failed IVF cycles and two miscarriages. On a bright note, I came home and had one of those gratitude jolts for my girls.

Pictured above, WTF? I saw this picture in a magazine I was flipping through at the doctor’s office. I guess it was supposed to make me want to book a vacation in the tropical paradise. But it had the opposite effect.