Baby Fear Factor: We Have A Grand Prize Winner

Warning: Those with a weak stomach or highly sensitive sense of smell (even over the internet) may wish to stop reading this post. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

This morning I had one of the grossest experiences of my life. I put the girls down for their morning nap and about a half hour into it, Madeline started to cry. This wasn’t her typical “I’m bored, get me outta here; I’m ready to explore more” cry. There was a certain sense of urgency in her little cry. Now I realize this was her way of saying “Mom, get in here NOW and see what my sister is doing.”

In my haste, I had left a diaper next to Avery’s crib. You see where this is going. Avery discovered the diaper and tore it apart and played with what she found inside, which was poop. Thank goodness it was a hard poop, but nonetheless, there was poop everywhere. One little lump rolled between the mattress and the bumper. The rest was in Avery’s hair and on her fingers and in the crib and in her eyebrows and on her pajamas. Everywhere. It reminded me of a puppy I had who once pooped on her paper and then stepped in it and left poop prints all over the kitchen.

The best part was Avery was not disturbed in the slightest. You think she would be the one screaming, not Madeline. Instead, pure joy and enchantment. I came in there and she looked at me like “Look at this wonderful thing I found! So moist and fun to play with! And it comes out of my own butt! My butt makes toys!” Now I am afraid she is like those sharks that develop a taste for human meat. Except insert “baby” for “shark” and “poop” for “meat.”

That was just one of the highlights of the day.

The next highlight occurred mid afternoon, while Avery was napping, apparently exhausted from her morning poop eating/smearing experience. I was in the kitchen with the non-poop eater Madeline, boiling water to make little pasta wagon wheels. For the girls’ dinner. Though Avery might just want poop. Anyway, I noticed a burning smell, but, unlike most people in the world, I love the smell of all things burning. So when I smell something burning I am lulled into some sort of bizarre sense of calm.

After inhaling these delicious burning fumes for a little bit I went to look out the window to see where this heavenly scent was coming from. Again, you see where this is going. It was coming from my stove. A small piece of paper was stuck to the bottom of the pot and was on fire. About a thousand thoughts ran through my head, including “I need to grab the babies and run” and “Crap. I haven’t backed up my computer in a while” and “Who gives a shit. If this place burns to the ground, so will the back up external hard drive.” I couldn’t let the place burn down because I just cleaned the bathroom. I tried to remember when you use water and when you use flour and why oh why don’t we have an extinguisher. Common sense took over and I grabbed a baby bottle, filled it with water and dumped it on the small fire.



Avery and Madeline have just started to wave hello and goodbye. Both of them. Madeline waved to a bagger at the grocery store. He was smiling and talking to her and she loved him. I asked if he was free to baby-sit and he laughed. I was kind of not joking.

And now, Housekeeping. On March 2nd, my beautiful Skye, my perfect little diamond tornado girl, turned three years old. I remember being at work when I got the news, frantically struggling to find a place where I could get good cell reception to hear my brother say “It’s a girl.” We all thought it was a boy, as two sonogram technicians concluded she was a boy before she was born. An on March 3rd, a sad day to remember the emerald in the sky.

Pictured above, do you see what I see? I never realized tortellini could look so dirty. If that isn’t a naked woman in a tutu bending over I don’t know what is. Also pictured, the one mittens and poop. Look at that intensity she has eating her mitten. Now picture that with poop. See what I mean?

Anonymous Quitter: How goes it?