Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Baby Fear Factor: We Have A Grand Prize Winner


Warning: Those with a weak stomach or highly sensitive sense of smell (even over the internet) may wish to stop reading this post. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

This morning I had one of the grossest experiences of my life. I put the girls down for their morning nap and about a half hour into it, Madeline started to cry. This wasn’t her typical “I’m bored, get me outta here; I’m ready to explore more” cry. There was a certain sense of urgency in her little cry. Now I realize this was her way of saying “Mom, get in here NOW and see what my sister is doing.”

In my haste, I had left a diaper next to Avery’s crib. You see where this is going. Avery discovered the diaper and tore it apart and played with what she found inside, which was poop. Thank goodness it was a hard poop, but nonetheless, there was poop everywhere. One little lump rolled between the mattress and the bumper. The rest was in Avery’s hair and on her fingers and in the crib and in her eyebrows and on her pajamas. Everywhere. It reminded me of a puppy I had who once pooped on her paper and then stepped in it and left poop prints all over the kitchen.

The best part was Avery was not disturbed in the slightest. You think she would be the one screaming, not Madeline. Instead, pure joy and enchantment. I came in there and she looked at me like “Look at this wonderful thing I found! So moist and fun to play with! And it comes out of my own butt! My butt makes toys!” Now I am afraid she is like those sharks that develop a taste for human meat. Except insert “baby” for “shark” and “poop” for “meat.”

That was just one of the highlights of the day.

The next highlight occurred mid afternoon, while Avery was napping, apparently exhausted from her morning poop eating/smearing experience. I was in the kitchen with the non-poop eater Madeline, boiling water to make little pasta wagon wheels. For the girls’ dinner. Though Avery might just want poop. Anyway, I noticed a burning smell, but, unlike most people in the world, I love the smell of all things burning. So when I smell something burning I am lulled into some sort of bizarre sense of calm.

After inhaling these delicious burning fumes for a little bit I went to look out the window to see where this heavenly scent was coming from. Again, you see where this is going. It was coming from my stove. A small piece of paper was stuck to the bottom of the pot and was on fire. About a thousand thoughts ran through my head, including “I need to grab the babies and run” and “Crap. I haven’t backed up my computer in a while” and “Who gives a shit. If this place burns to the ground, so will the back up external hard drive.” I couldn’t let the place burn down because I just cleaned the bathroom. I tried to remember when you use water and when you use flour and why oh why don’t we have an extinguisher. Common sense took over and I grabbed a baby bottle, filled it with water and dumped it on the small fire.



Avery and Madeline have just started to wave hello and goodbye. Both of them. Madeline waved to a bagger at the grocery store. He was smiling and talking to her and she loved him. I asked if he was free to baby-sit and he laughed. I was kind of not joking.

And now, Housekeeping. On March 2nd, my beautiful Skye, my perfect little diamond tornado girl, turned three years old. I remember being at work when I got the news, frantically struggling to find a place where I could get good cell reception to hear my brother say “It’s a girl.” We all thought it was a boy, as two sonogram technicians concluded she was a boy before she was born. An on March 3rd, a sad day to remember the emerald in the sky.

Pictured above, do you see what I see? I never realized tortellini could look so dirty. If that isn’t a naked woman in a tutu bending over I don’t know what is. Also pictured, the one mittens and poop. Look at that intensity she has eating her mitten. Now picture that with poop. See what I mean?

Anonymous Quitter: How goes it?

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

What a great blog. Terrific writing. Question about paragraph that begins, "And now, Housekeeping". What is meant by "emerald in the sky"? Skye is a healthy, happy child, right? I think I misunderstand the meaning. Would you clarify?

Jennifer said...

I can clarify that. Skye's maternal grandmother died (after a long battle with cancer) a few weeks after Skye was born. Heartbreakingly, she was not able to meet Skye before she died (she lived in Japan, she died a few days before they were flying out). My sister in law told me a story yesterday about how her mom would watch Skye sleeping over the internet camera. She was an amazing woman who loved her grandchildren to bits. Her name means green in Japanese, hence the emerald. And yesterday was her birthday, hence the reference. And in a few weeks, it is the third anniversary of her death. So this month, for my sister in law, is one of births and deaths. It is such a hard time for her. she misses her mom all the time and cries for her. When she died, Mina lost a great mom and my niece and nephew lost an amazing grandmother. How do people deal with loss? I have never lost a relative or friend that I was close with so this is so foreign to me. But I see the pain it brings to Mina and I just wish I could do something, anything.

Jenni said...

oh, god, poop eating. it's one of my worst nightmares. but I love that madeline was disgusted just watching, but avery was loving every second. priceless!

nailgirl said...

Ok that's gross about the poop.
That my friend is hysterical about the noodle. It does look like a naked fat lady bending over.

Omrithekat said...

I see the lady-butt in the tutu! Tortellini has lost its innocence.

Anonymous said...

It's going very well. Still not drinking at home. The desire is still there sometimes but not like it was at first. Thank you for asking :)

K J and the kids said...

I have a plan all laid out for a fire. First I break the windows and get the children out. I guess if it's a stove fire I still do it for the dramatic affects. I rip the computer out of the wall and throw it out the window and then grab baby books and scrapbooks.
The rest can burn baby burn. :)

TOTALLY seeing the lady in the tutu...that's great that you see weird shit in stuff like me.

Shelli said...

hee hee

Or as Malka would say: "Avery FUuuuuuny!"

Anonymous said...

Thank you for the clarification. Very poignant. Also a beautiful reference, "emerald in the sky". As she gets older and reflects some of her grandmother, perhaps you will also see "an emerald in Skye".

In case you have interest, here is the most beautiful paper I've ever read about grief. It's a classic in the field --- John Brantner (former professor of death/dying from U of Minnesota). If you can find it, it might be a resource your sister-in-law would find meaningful.

Branter, J. (1977). Positive approaches to dying. Death Education, 293-304.

meanmama said...

You are to frickin' funny lady. This post is just what I needed today.

Anonymous said...

Oh, the joys of poop! My son did the same thing, and I couldn't even find a spot on his poop riddled body to pick him up and throw him in the shower. As I recall, I grabbed him by the armpit!! My granddaughter pulled the same trick on me, only she pooped when I was giving her a bath. "Get the baby out of the poop water"!

I really, really hate poop....

Linda

Melinda said...

" I was in the kitchen with the non-poop eater Madeline, boiling water to make little pasta wagon wheels. For the girls’ dinner. Though Avery might just want poop."

Snort!

Thanks for the laugh.

Anonymous said...

Ugh I spoke too soon. I am having a bad stressful time of it. I am trying to cook dinner, My husband isn't home yet, and it is chaos. The kids are screaming and I am stressed. Did I mention that I was stressed. A drink would be nice right about now. But I am going to try and ride it out.

tracer123 said...

Poop! Laughed my head off. Do you think Madeline cried because she wasn't getting any?

Tortellini, yep it do look like a pudgy dancers behind, you're right.

Herbsie and family said...

Oh my goodness.... I just had to say that you so crack me up. That was hilarious. Okay at the time I'm sure it wasn't and I know I'd just freak out.

Anonymous said...

Still here, rode it out and didn't drink.

Jennifer said...

Anon--That's great! I still think you are doing this in such an awesome way. Maybe I am saying that because it the the way I stopped drinking! But I know what you mean, when you can look forward to a few drinks on a saturday night, say, and then know you can stop again the next day. Eventually you can stop forever that way.

I want to reread Drinking: a love story. I still a so sad that she died.

nailgirl said...

Hey Jennifer,
I dont know if i thanked you or not. When you talked about your drinking and the drinking book. I went out and found it at my lovely used book store. I started reading it, and immediately started having such empathy for both of my sisters. One is in recovery and the other one, well she is the one who showed up drunk at my dads funeral. According to what they have told me, and their health problems. According to the quiz that is in the book,they are in the third stages of the disease. I am so so scared for them. I have raved about this book and now my mom is reading it. I also told my sister that I bought it for her, and she wasn't offended at all.

Anonymous said...

Thanks jennifer. I was sad that she died too. I had two drinks last night. It was a concious decision not a desparate decision. The kids weren't driving me nuts, I wasn't climbing the walls. I just decided to have a drink after they went to bed. I am a little dissapointed in myself but not to bad. I am giving myself props for not getting smashed and stopping at two drinks.

Anonymous said...

I also read Caroline Knapp's book after you mentioned it. It was really interesting. I don't have a problem with drinking, but I know it's in my family, so I'm probably more aware of drinking than others.
Something that really hit home was her use of alcohol to deal with her sexuality. Although she was talking about sex in general, I'd say lots of lesbians would probably relate to the idea of using some sort of alcohol or drug when they were with men in their younger days. I know that probably kept me from realizing I was gay in high school and early college...I didn't realize that being with a guy only while I was drunk or high should have told me something about myself.
(anon because my friends also read your blog...)