Thursday, January 24, 2008

The Little Pill That Could

Today marks one week on Lexapro and I haven’t noticed anything remarkably different [in a bad way] in my personality, though I might want to cross reference that with Nicole, Knower Of All Things Me. I haven’t been particularly impatient or upset or angry, some of the side effects my doctor told me to look for. And if I do exhibit those things I may need to take a second pill to temper it, because the Lexapro apparently sometimes wakes up an angsty side in people.

I have high hopes, but I realize that Lexapro won’t fix everything, however much I wish it would. It will take a long time to undo some of the damaged thinking I have woven into my life and to pick out the bloody glass shards of bloody awful memories. Yes, I am mixing metaphors again (but repeating “bloody” for effect). But that nightly shot of serotonin has to make a dent. My doctor says it takes about two weeks to settle into your system and about six weeks to reach Maximum Efficacy. Patience has never been one of my strong suits. I am also not a fan of gradual. I realize this won’t happen, but I like instant fixes with immediate, noticeable changes. This is the appeal of illegal drugs.

So trying to sift through the days and notice if there have been any perceivable changes is hard. I think I have been a little more relaxed. I have been practicing that whole making-lemonade-out-of-lemons thing, which really isn’t my style. I am a little more relaxed about my future; it is now sort of another topic to ponder, instead of a giant elephant sitting on my chest. So maybe I can say the Lexapro is taking off the sharp edges? I guess only time will tell.

The hardest part is trying to live in the moment. That is effing hard for me. I might spend my entire life chasing that ideal. Here is a perfect example of how extreme I am: I love scented candles, but I rarely burn them because I am annoyed that the scent doesn’t last more than three seconds (aka, into the future) after you blow out the flame. So part of me won’t even bother lighting candles because they won’t waft their scent forever, and if it isn’t forever, why even bother? I’m serious, this is how I think. So I have a collection of candles I won’t burn because they don’t tattoo their scent in the air. So these candles just sit around, and I cast them dirty looks every once in a while to let them know I am mad at them.

What can I say? I like consistency. I still love Noxema and Sea Breeze, which is what I used in high school. Just the smell of those two things makes me happy. I wore the same perfume for almost twenty years and only stopped because it was discontinued. I don’t like transitions and I don’t really like change. That might make me boring to some, but, for better or worse, that’s who I am. At least now I realize this and embrace it, instead of pretending I am someone I am not, like I did for most of my last relationship before Nicole. No wonder it didn’t work, despite giving it the old college try.

Nicole left for Boston this morning so it is me and the little jumping beans all day and night. Please remind me that there are no monsters under the bed and that home invasions are rare in NYC. Apparently, Lexapro is not stopping me from being paranoid.

Pictured above, Avery has developed a squint. Smart girl realizes the camera will flash a super bright light, so she starts making this adorable face as soon as I whip out the camera. And below is Madeline, chewing on a frozen bagel. I had a fish a peach-pit–sized wad of bagel mush out of her mouth after this picture.


Anonymous said...

I never took Lexapro, but did use Prozaac several years back. It wasn't a "happy" pill, but it served it's purpose and evened out my emotions. No more high highs and low lows - things seemed almost normal. It also stopped the 3am "late night awakenings" as my MD called them. Good luck solo with the kids --- and home invasions, in upper floors of doorman buildings really DO NOT happen in NYC.

JB said...

I know all about the patience thing with medication-I'm horrible at it. It really did take almost 6 weeks for Proxac to really make a difference for me. I was first on celexa, but had a lot of side effects as I slowly went up on the dosage. If you are going up on the dosage, that's a real time to look for side effects. At first I really liked celexa, and then in the end i hated it. People around you will probably notice a difference before you do. It definitely takes the edge off for me, and even things out... Just keep doing what you're doing...

Dee said...

Love the pics! The girls are adorable.

You've totally turned me on to Etsy. I know I'll spend hours searching the site and then try to find ways to hock my homemade goodies. Great! Another distraction in my life.

Anonymous said...

You know mate, you're normal.

That face that Avery is making made me giggle for ages. :)