I'm Singing/Complaining Bitterly in the Rain

I need to shut down my brain.

Is it just me, or does anyone else see our GIANT shiny, imposing, trillion dollar battleships in Iranian waters and those itty bitty little Iranian speedboats and think “bully?” Us, the bully, that is. Are we going attack because some asshole in a speedboat was trying to wake a battleship? Really? It’s almost laughable. In other news, a sports anchor said of Tiger Woods: "Lynch him in a back alley,” and she gets suspended…for two weeks, because that comment, she didn’t mean it in a bad way. No, not is a racist, obnoxious, black-people-used-to-be-lynched-all-the-time-and-we-can-all-see-that-is-not-right-to-say-such-things Neanderthal Woman way. She was just making a joke. And yet no one is laughing. The Fed keeps cutting interest rates and probably will do so again this month and we are heading into a recession (“deteriorating national economy” is how the New York Times put it). But we are spending trillions and trillions on war. Horrifying things are happening in Congo, with the 400,000 people forced to leave their homes and all the raping and the children being forced into militias. Why won’t we help them? Surely throwing a three-ear-old into a burning fire melts the hearts of the Powers That Be in Washington? The news is just scary these days.

Right now, I can’t get my brain to quiet down. I just took two Xanax. And yet they never really help me. Obviously reading the news isn’t helping (as evidenced in above paragraph). I need to go to the doctor and get some sleeping pills because my insomnia is getting ridiculous. I haven’t been able to get to sleep until 1:00ish the past few days. And then I have very choppy, intense-dream sleep. While I prefer a more natural route, to conquering this insomnia (like in the old days: Drinking a bottle of scotch), I feel like I have no option here but to start popping some pills. I just need to end the cycle and then I will try to sleep again without pills.

I am super stressed because we are in the middle of a Whole Big Thing. I said to Nicole today that I hate censoring myself on this blog because I don’t want to feel like I am writing to an audience. I write this blog for my own selfish reasons: To relieve stress and to record memories and to find other people who share my thoughts/feelings/morals/values/crises. I think most of you blog for the same reason. And those of you who don’t blog, but just read, you are just looking to connect, to find commonalities. If you are reading this site, you have to feel something in common with me, right? But what happens when my life intersects with another’s life? What happens when my story weaves with someone else’s? I am uncomfortable airing someone else’s laundry or issues or problems. It isn’t my place.

Despite the fact that I am a really open person and willing to talk about, oh, anything, and write out our names without dots lik.e th.is, there are times when I do censor myself. There are things I hold back or feelings that I omit, so I don’t sound mean or greedy or ungrateful or unforgiving or petty or bitter…I could go on. Sometimes I leave out the messy details. But it is that which we hid that is most interesting. The façade of me, who cares. That’s anything you want it to be, your own mirror of sorts. But underneath all that, that is the heart of everything.

And yet, I really wanted to write about this Whole Big Thing. I really wanted to know what other people think. I really need that invisible support right now. I talk about it some with some friends in real life, but I also know that they are morally obligated to take my side. That’s why I love friends, your Biggest Fan through and through. But you anonymous people, you tell it like it is, and I like that too.

So this situation, this Whole Big Thing, has me filling up with resentment and anger and just plain frustration, with a little fear and insecurity throw in for fun. It’s been brewing for a while, but it is really reaching critical mass now. I kept thinking it would go away. Snap your fingers (in a place where I can’t hear it; see yesterday’s post) and things will change. But it didn’t, it’s not. It comes down to this: I guess you can say that we have been saving our pennies for a rainy day, and now we need to use them, on someone else’s rainy day, and it is really, really pouring. Like how it poured eight inches on the day of our baby shower.

I hate these sort of posts, the kind that omit things and are really secretive. I can say this: This has nothing to do with Nicole and me, or our relationship, or anything like that. I can’t think of a single thing that we couldn’t survive, and we have never wavered in our commitment, even during the Dark Days of TTC and miscarriages and loss. If you can survive that as a couple, you really can survive anything (remember that mood altering drugs are involved). I want to go into details right now, but before I can do that I need to make a phone call tomorrow, to get a ball rolling or at least throw the ball out on the field. So tomorrow, I can blog in more detail.

It just occurred to me that it is almost like I created a cliffhanger.

Pictured above, Avery in action, dressed like a Sprocket. She looks good in all black Why crawl on the carpet when you can climb over something, like your sister? She seeks out challenges and overcomes them, that Avery. Follow the pictures…just look at her determination. Focused, capable, triumphant. Me, I would rather climb around the mountain. Or avoid the mountain altogether. I feel like I can learn from her. Madeline, on the other hand, is like “Go ahead, use my body as your playground.” She and I will be having a very long talk soon.

Oh, and my favorite thing about Avery today: She still screeches with this ear-piercing pitch. But she has also started saying Da Da. Now we agreed that when our girls started saying Da Da that we would say they are referring to the Swiss/German art and literature movement based on deliberate irrationality and negation of traditional artistic values, and not a father. But beyond that, it is the way she says it. The polar opposite of her screeches, all soft and bouncy like a marshmallow. I will try to record it tomorrow and post it because it is that cute. Oh, another cliffhanger.

Why the eff doesn’t xanax work for me??

Oh, last thing: Anyone see Into the Wild? I think I want to see it. Is it worth seeing in the theater?