Thursday, January 10, 2008

I'm Singing/Complaining Bitterly in the Rain

I need to shut down my brain.

Is it just me, or does anyone else see our GIANT shiny, imposing, trillion dollar battleships in Iranian waters and those itty bitty little Iranian speedboats and think “bully?” Us, the bully, that is. Are we going attack because some asshole in a speedboat was trying to wake a battleship? Really? It’s almost laughable. In other news, a sports anchor said of Tiger Woods: "Lynch him in a back alley,” and she gets suspended…for two weeks, because that comment, she didn’t mean it in a bad way. No, not is a racist, obnoxious, black-people-used-to-be-lynched-all-the-time-and-we-can-all-see-that-is-not-right-to-say-such-things Neanderthal Woman way. She was just making a joke. And yet no one is laughing. The Fed keeps cutting interest rates and probably will do so again this month and we are heading into a recession (“deteriorating national economy” is how the New York Times put it). But we are spending trillions and trillions on war. Horrifying things are happening in Congo, with the 400,000 people forced to leave their homes and all the raping and the children being forced into militias. Why won’t we help them? Surely throwing a three-ear-old into a burning fire melts the hearts of the Powers That Be in Washington? The news is just scary these days.

Right now, I can’t get my brain to quiet down. I just took two Xanax. And yet they never really help me. Obviously reading the news isn’t helping (as evidenced in above paragraph). I need to go to the doctor and get some sleeping pills because my insomnia is getting ridiculous. I haven’t been able to get to sleep until 1:00ish the past few days. And then I have very choppy, intense-dream sleep. While I prefer a more natural route, to conquering this insomnia (like in the old days: Drinking a bottle of scotch), I feel like I have no option here but to start popping some pills. I just need to end the cycle and then I will try to sleep again without pills.

I am super stressed because we are in the middle of a Whole Big Thing. I said to Nicole today that I hate censoring myself on this blog because I don’t want to feel like I am writing to an audience. I write this blog for my own selfish reasons: To relieve stress and to record memories and to find other people who share my thoughts/feelings/morals/values/crises. I think most of you blog for the same reason. And those of you who don’t blog, but just read, you are just looking to connect, to find commonalities. If you are reading this site, you have to feel something in common with me, right? But what happens when my life intersects with another’s life? What happens when my story weaves with someone else’s? I am uncomfortable airing someone else’s laundry or issues or problems. It isn’t my place.

Despite the fact that I am a really open person and willing to talk about, oh, anything, and write out our names without dots lik.e, there are times when I do censor myself. There are things I hold back or feelings that I omit, so I don’t sound mean or greedy or ungrateful or unforgiving or petty or bitter…I could go on. Sometimes I leave out the messy details. But it is that which we hid that is most interesting. The fa├žade of me, who cares. That’s anything you want it to be, your own mirror of sorts. But underneath all that, that is the heart of everything.

And yet, I really wanted to write about this Whole Big Thing. I really wanted to know what other people think. I really need that invisible support right now. I talk about it some with some friends in real life, but I also know that they are morally obligated to take my side. That’s why I love friends, your Biggest Fan through and through. But you anonymous people, you tell it like it is, and I like that too.

So this situation, this Whole Big Thing, has me filling up with resentment and anger and just plain frustration, with a little fear and insecurity throw in for fun. It’s been brewing for a while, but it is really reaching critical mass now. I kept thinking it would go away. Snap your fingers (in a place where I can’t hear it; see yesterday’s post) and things will change. But it didn’t, it’s not. It comes down to this: I guess you can say that we have been saving our pennies for a rainy day, and now we need to use them, on someone else’s rainy day, and it is really, really pouring. Like how it poured eight inches on the day of our baby shower.

I hate these sort of posts, the kind that omit things and are really secretive. I can say this: This has nothing to do with Nicole and me, or our relationship, or anything like that. I can’t think of a single thing that we couldn’t survive, and we have never wavered in our commitment, even during the Dark Days of TTC and miscarriages and loss. If you can survive that as a couple, you really can survive anything (remember that mood altering drugs are involved). I want to go into details right now, but before I can do that I need to make a phone call tomorrow, to get a ball rolling or at least throw the ball out on the field. So tomorrow, I can blog in more detail.

It just occurred to me that it is almost like I created a cliffhanger.

Pictured above, Avery in action, dressed like a Sprocket. She looks good in all black Why crawl on the carpet when you can climb over something, like your sister? She seeks out challenges and overcomes them, that Avery. Follow the pictures…just look at her determination. Focused, capable, triumphant. Me, I would rather climb around the mountain. Or avoid the mountain altogether. I feel like I can learn from her. Madeline, on the other hand, is like “Go ahead, use my body as your playground.” She and I will be having a very long talk soon.

Oh, and my favorite thing about Avery today: She still screeches with this ear-piercing pitch. But she has also started saying Da Da. Now we agreed that when our girls started saying Da Da that we would say they are referring to the Swiss/German art and literature movement based on deliberate irrationality and negation of traditional artistic values, and not a father. But beyond that, it is the way she says it. The polar opposite of her screeches, all soft and bouncy like a marshmallow. I will try to record it tomorrow and post it because it is that cute. Oh, another cliffhanger.

Why the eff doesn’t xanax work for me??

Oh, last thing: Anyone see Into the Wild? I think I want to see it. Is it worth seeing in the theater?


francesca said...

This is exactly how I write when I'm taking ADD drugs. Super focused and yet bouncing from thing to thing. Not like throwing a bunch of jacks out there, and hoping one hits the target; it's more like one precise, determined bullet, and it hits each target, then rips through to the next. I actually kind of crave those days -- unlike today, when I'm just foggy and hoping someone or something finds me and tells me what to write.

I totally wish you could spill the beans too. It is a rather interesting dilemma, for us to be so privy to some parts of your life (like dark days of body image or TTC or weird growths from your hand) and not others (like making Big Life Decisions).

But it's okay - everyone in your life gets some version of the story. Some people get the version where you're telling them all the details, but we get the version with poetic ramblings about your daughters' crawling itinerary. Nobody (except maybe Nicole) gets the whole thing. There isn't an original anymore -- even Avery knows that, since she's all into the dada art now! I think it was the trip to the museum the other day.

Spill the beans when you can. Does it involve the What Are We Doing About Where We Will Live question?

I saw 'Into the Wild' and was actually really disappointed. It was like the elevator music equivalent of survival-against-the-odds films. All of the right piece, all of the notes and pacing in the right order, but none of the soul. It felt empty without perspective and kind of like a book report on the genre, rather than an experiment or a person's actual life.

And yeah, sure we read to connect with your writing and your life, but sometimes even the problem of 'who to tell what to' or 'who knows what' or 'how do we manage expectations while still being honest' IS our life...

Oh and back to politics. Did you see the Rove op-ed today? Seriously???? Making all these coded race judgments and relying on all these old stereotypes. It was actually kind of gasp-inducing. He needs some of your xanax....

wishing you sleep tonight!

Shelli said...


It SO helped my anxiety.


Unless you are still breastfeeding, I'd say give it a try.

Why not, right?

That, and put yourself on a news lockdown. That helps, too.

gold star said...

Have you tried Ambien? I take a double dose and I'm out for a solid 7 hours, but completely wake-able and not groggy.

Blogging is weird. I wish like the dickens that I never told a soul about mine. That way I could talk about the real shit.

I loved Into the Wild. It was gorgeous, definitely worth seeing it in the theater. I was genuinely moved by it. But I was extra susceptible to its message...since I'm sort of a reluctant big-city-lawyer-sort-of-wish-I-ran-an-organic-farm-instead type.

BA said...

I'm on a combo of Wellbutrin in the morning and Lexapro at night. Every once in awhile I have to take klonazepam (like Xanax). I have a lot of the same problems you do. I can't think about bad things happening to my family or myself or it snowballs out of control. The combo of AD's has definately helped day to day, but I still need the Klonazepam every once in awhile if I have a panic attack. I take Temazepam if I can't sleep and it helps well. Let me know if you have any questions. Funny - I never took any of this stuff before I becamse a mother - I guess that's why so many pills are called 'mommy's little helpers' :)

K J and the kids said...

DAMN YOU and this uncomfortable silence.
I HAVE to know.
I'm pretty sure this has to do with moving ? maybe a job ?
If I guess it, you are not really "telling" me...just nodding your head yes or no. right ?
BLASTED (both fists shaking in the air)

I hope this stress will pass and you will be able to externalize it and sleep better.

gypsygrrl said...

girl, i love your blog so much already ~ but i am such a sucker for a good cliffhanger. or two!

cannot wait to hear the "dada" from the little screecher girl.

that last picture of the girls is one of the cutest!!! they have such gorgeous eyes. beautiful beautiful beautiful!

Louise in Canada said...

When I see the Iran-US speed boat video, the word bully comes to my mind too...

I live in Canada, on the west coast, in Vancouver. Proportionally, most of the Canadian population live in eastern Canada so, when we have an election the results are pretty much determined by the people on the east coast. Canadian political junkies are completely bored by Canadian politcs but nothing really happens. Before the polls close on the west coast, the election is really over. Our results make no difference whatsoever on the national level. One or two provinces essentially determine the results every time. This is one of the reasons, I think, that many Canadians follow American politics with great interest. The west coast can make a difference. This year, I am finding that even more people are interested. Even my students (aged 16-17) are following the caucuses and primaries with great interest. We have talk about it the next day. Part of it is an interest in the process but I think that part of why we are so fascinated by the process is because we are so hopeful for a change and for the right change. I think that many Canadians (along with the rest of the world) have been thinking "bully" for quite some time now when it comes to the US. It is very, very troublesome. I visit America often and while I love it, its foreign policy worries me. I am bothered by the fact that I’ve given up hoping for the situation to improve and I now find myself hoping that it doesn’t get any worse. So when I see this video, I get very, very, worried indeed.

I hope that you have a good worry free sleep tonight.

Anonymous said...

We "lurkers" read you because there is a sense of connection. Not to mention that you are a wonderful writer and you keep it interesting. Oh, and you have beautiful children, and a beautiful mate. What more can I say? You're all that AND a bag of gummies!!!
Hey! Have you ever considered moving clear across the country to Portland Oregon? Have you ever been here? We have beautiful country, 100 miles to the ocean, 100 miles to the mountains. Not to mention that Portland has a huge heart for same sex couples.Think about it, would ya? (at least visit!)


Kathy said...

I am delurking to agree with Linda that there is a sense of connection. I understand some of the things you have blogged about because I have gone through them myself. Pregnancy, miscarriage, birth and mood altering meds.

The cliffhanger is killing me, I hope your issue gets resolved quickly and with very little drama.

tracer123 said...

My dad died and my wife and I had to pay for his funeral, which was something we didn't 'save up' for, and I have 2 brothers and a sister. Then we had to clean up all the man mess he left behind so that my mum would have a clean house and yard.

Can't be helpful about slowing down drugs I'm afraid, but good luck getting your sleeping patterns back on track.

p.s. If I haven't said so already, your girls are gorgeous. It is uncanny how they look like you and Nicole.

starrhillgirl said...

Oh, yes, I've recently been wishing that people in my real life didn't read my blog. Money, how I would like to talk about you without people worrying about me. But, no. So it seems I will just do it here, on your blog. Thanks.
I read because your writing is excellent, and your kids are gorgeous and crack me up, and the clarity and rock solidity (rock solidness?) of your relationship with Nicole is inspiring.
I know nothing about sleep aids - except the aforementioned scotch. Maybe your tolerance is shot, so you could get the job done with less than a whole bottle. TTC has totally shot my tolerance.

JB said...

De-lurking to say I love your blog and totally understand the news/anxiety issues. I don't have kids yet, but I'm sure my anxiety will sky-rocket once I do! And to say that while Xanax helps my anxiety, it keeps me awake at night... weird, right? Ativan puts me to sleep. I can take xanax during the day, and even at 6 or 7 at night, but after that I swear it keeps me awake. Makes no sense, I know. But I've found that these meds rarely do make sense! Hope you find something to help you sleep soon. And your girls are just SO Cute!

judy said...

Just giving a shout out to let you know that I am sending tons of positive vibes. Thankyou for sharing your life with we blog friends. I do feel a connection with you (remember I am the stay at home Mom of four with a superstar partner.)I believe we both also have endured hideous childhoods, read a lot and wish that xanax worked! Ambien does help, but like you, I use it only to get myself back into a regime of sleep.
Anyhow...I am here listening and thinking about you. If you feel the need to give a shout out just yell "JUDY" really loud on one of your posts.

Kerry Lynn said...

please try melatonin for sleep. it's what your body creates to get you to sleep but it's obviously not doing that. I take it every night. and Lexapro for the crazies which doesn't seem to be helping anymore...need to call doc.