Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance, It's My Fault


The stages of grief is missing the “It’s my fault” stage. There was a segment on the news yesterday (and in the papers) about how drinking caffeine can double the risk of miscarriage. Great. Every woman I know who had a miscarriage already blames herself for it at some point, myself included. We think it HAD to be something we did, as if we control what happens in our uterus. We blame negative thinking, because our tentative, worried thoughts about being (and staying) pregnant must have caused the little baby inside to die. We think we weren’t grateful enough. We assume it was because we didn’t eat enough vegetables or we walked too much or we had sex or we stubbed our toe or we were being punished for transgressions from our past. And now, thanks to some stupid study, we can add drinking coffee and soda to the list of things we did to ourselves to cause fetal death. I’m not necessarily doubting the validity of the study, but, as with most medical studies, I am sure the Opposite Study will be released and there will be a new theory in a year that says that drinking caffeine will help you stay pregnant.

I find it interesting that women inflict the blame mentality on themselves after a miscarriage, but they never turn that blame on other woman. Not a single person said to me that it is my fault that I had miscarriages; in fact, they assured me otherwise. The same women that blamed themselves tell me that I had nothing to do with a baby dying inside of me. Likewise, I tell women that they are not to blame for their miscarriages either—and I mean it—even though at times it is still easy for me to slip into that frame of mind where I think it is all my fault.

It’s sad how woman (including me) have such guilt when it comes to their health and life and choices. I have a friend who had an abortion in college. She never told her husband because she was afraid he would not respect her choice, that it would change the way he looked at her. She hasn’t told many friends for the same reason. She hides this because she knows she will be judged and she is afraid of what people think.

At what point do we stop regretting our choices and instead fear other’s reactions? It happens at some point, we cross that Blame Ourselves line and thread into the waters of What Will People Think? Yes, I just mixed my metaphors. It makes me sad, that we go around hiding these sort of things, locking up our greatest griefs and secrets because at the end of the day we fear judgment the most. I’m ok with most of my decisions but I still fear what other’s think.

Pictured above, Madeline is her cute little vest and her cute little pants, a gift from her Aunties Christi and Julie. Notice the toy strapped to her wrist. She is prepared to play at all times. Below, us, in sort of matching sweaters. I still don’t think we look alike.

44 comments:

calliope said...

You are spot on regarding the BLAME stage that is missing. Also spot on about our blaming ourselves but never blaming another woman in the same shoes. I hate that. I could tell you 200 reasons why I think I fucked up my last cycle but I couldn't ever have that sort of thought process for anyone else.

The things on your sidebar are WAY cooler than the things on mine. I actually enjoy the ancestry links. Way more fun to investigate over the links on my blog which say things like "Have brown blood?" EW!

& seriously- matching sweaters? So effing cute.

K J and the kids said...

LDS geneology...for real !
That is hilarious.

Headed over to read all about the brown blood on calliope's site.

oh, but LOVE the vest and sweaters.

gypsygrrl said...

those things to the right are nifty. i've got you added to the "My Friend Flicka" book club so i remember to come visit and all.

those girls ~ ohhh the cute.

bubble_girl said...

I am a new "commentor" on your blog, I have read a couple of entries... You are a great writer. I wish I knew why the guilt was/is there and always lurking... That along with the blame... It stinks.

Heidi said...

You have taken the words right out of my mouth. I just suffered a loss before that study came out and no matter how hard I try I can't help but blame myself for drinking iced tea. Thank you for reassuring me that I am not the only person who feels this way.

hopemcg said...

This was perfect -- Thank you.

sandra said...

Well put. Thank you.

Dee said...

Well said. The guilt trip we mound on ourselves is ginormous.

I can totally see the resemblence between the two of you now!!!

Anonymous said...

FeemiumDiency, clomid online plommemiamy, [url=http://www.webjam.com/clomidonline]buy clomid[/url] infeflesy
23

Anonymous said...

Good day, sun shines!
There have were times of troubles when I didn't know about opportunities of getting high yields on investments. I was a dump and downright pessimistic person.
I have never imagined that there weren't any need in big starting capital.
Now, I'm happy and lucky , I started take up real income.
It gets down to choose a proper companion who uses your funds in a right way - that is incorporate it in real deals, parts and divides the income with me.

You may ask, if there are such firms? I'm obliged to tell the truth, YES, there are. Please get to know about one of them:
http://theinvestblog.com [url=http://theinvestblog.com]Online Investment Blog[/url]

Anonymous said...

woodsesty, levitra online, DinoEndorgo, http://virb.com/levitraonline levitra online, twepitiencisy, order levitra, thaccumence, http://www.protopage.com/orderlevitra levitra

Anonymous said...

TexanyThync, viagra tramadol zithromax carisoprodol buy cialis, piluerryMer

Anonymous said...

mexMerebeenry, payday loan online, lallQuopsywap, [url=http://www.webjam.com/paydayloan]payday loan[/url], Glaccerve

Anonymous said...

http://markonzo.edu http://aviary.com/artists/Synthroid-oral http://blog.tellurideskiresort.com/members/aciphex-side-effects.aspx http://riderx.info/members/atarax-for-anxiety-atarax-25mg.aspx recreates outdribble http://clarinex.indieword.com/

Anonymous said...

Hi everyone


Mansour Engineering always considers adding high performance features in large capital projects that maximize operational energy savings; improve comfort, health, and safety of occupants and visitors; and limit detrimental effects on the environment.

[url=http://www.mansour.ca] click here to go to Mansour Engineering[/url]


http://www.mansour.ca

Anonymous said...

NottSoona, http://buy-viagra.viviti.com/ buy viagra, Emorneror, buy viagra, FlalgeWheerve, http://vigrx.viviti.com/ vigrx, fluerderwal, vigrx, uttequich, http://proextender.viviti.com/ penis enlargement, Baharonsrah, penis enlargement, Snagimmaphgax

Anonymous said...

acomplia diet no pill prescription required [url=http://www1.chaffey.edu/news2/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=146&Itemid=63]acomplia sag chmp [/url] acomplia groups
http://www1.chaffey.edu/news2/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=146&Itemid=63

Anonymous said...

Wonknorge, http://forum.dotnetpanel.com/members/valium.aspx, GonteeneProky, byt valium online, lowlHetuela

Anonymous said...

Wonknorge, http://forum.dotnetpanel.com/members/valium.aspx, GonteeneProky, byt valium online, lowlHetuela

Anonymous said...

HeenseFlannenhttp://pettags.com/forum/members/BuyXanaxOnline.aspx xanax, Emicysime, http://pettags.com/forum/members/BuyPhentermineOnlineUSApprovedPharmacy.aspx, RahRoaday, http://pettags.com/forum/members/Soma-Without-Prescription-Overnight-Shipping.aspx, darlliakrew, http://pettags.com/forum/members/valium-Cheap-Valium-Buy-Valium-Online.aspx, Insowsjaw, byu xanax online, ownererry, Phentermine, AsydayPal, soma, AboneeVek

Anonymous said...

estaliBriesty, tramadol, bealiaVet, buy cheap tramadol, Hifavamom, order tramadol, dofafforp, byu tramadol online, MatBultapetle

Anonymous said...

Good afternoon


Why should you pay money to ebay when you can have a better ebay FREE at http://www.BuySellDirect.net


Do your self a favorite buy introducing http://www.BuySellDirect.net FREE service to all my friends and family?

Anonymous said...

A man begins sneering his insight teeth the earliest time he bites off more than he can chew.

Anonymous said...

To be a noble benign being is to be enduring a make of openness to the mankind, an gift to trust undeterminable things beyond your own control, that can front you to be shattered in hugely extreme circumstances pro which you were not to blame. That says something remarkably weighty about the condition of the ethical life: that it is based on a corporation in the unpredictable and on a willingness to be exposed; it's based on being more like a plant than like a treasure, something somewhat tenuous, but whose very item handsomeness is inseparable from that fragility.

Anonymous said...

Good afternoon

[url=http://www.internetmosque.net ] The Lord Complete Audio English Quran in MP3 [/url]


How does someone become a Muslim?"

Simply by saying 'There is no god apart from God, and Muhammad is the Messenger of God.' By this declaration the believer announces his or her faith in all God's messengers, and the scriptures they brought.

For more details [url=http://www.internetmosque.net ]click her[/url]






|

All of us will die one day INCLUDING YOU.

so before you die you must find out where the HELL you are going too.

You must find out

who is our savior Jesus or ?

You may sleep tonight and never get up in the morning?

You may die today.

You may die within a week

You may die within a month

you may die within a year

you may die within the next ten years

one thing for sure

You will die

so find out how is our savior so that he may save you.

http://www.internetmosque.net/saviour/index.htm

http://www.internetmosque.net/songes/s/1.htm

http://www.internetmosque.net/songes/s/17.htm

http://www.internetmosque.net/

http://www.internetmosque.net/quran/quraneng/index.htm

http://www.internetmosque.net/audio...n_Yahya/1_w.htm

http://www.internetmosque.net/audio...f-Estes/1_w.htm

http://www.internetmosque.net/audio...ilips/1-1_w.htm

Anonymous said...

To be a good lenient being is to have a philanthropic of openness to the far-out, an cleverness to trust undeterminable things beyond your own pilot, that can lead you to be shattered in very outermost circumstances for which you were not to blame. That says something uncommonly impressive about the get of the honest autobiography: that it is based on a conviction in the unpredictable and on a willingness to be exposed; it's based on being more like a shop than like a sparkler, something rather dainty, but whose acutely precise beauty is inseparable from that fragility.

Anonymous said...

I don't like the sound of all those lists he's making - it's like fetching too innumerable notes at school; you feel you've achieved something when you haven't.

Anonymous said...

In the whole world's sustenance, at some dated, our inner fire goes out. It is then blow up into flame beside an face with another magnanimous being. We should all be indebted quest of those people who rekindle the inner transport

Anonymous said...

In everyone's life, at some dated, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame at hand an face with another human being. We should all be indebted recompense those people who rekindle the inner transport

Anonymous said...

In harry's sustenance, at some dated, our inner pep goes out. It is then blow up into passion by an contend with with another benign being. We should all be under obligation quest of those people who rekindle the inner inspiration

Anonymous said...

Guys,
I need some help here folks
I'm Looking to purchase [url=http://www.milesgershon.com/tv-stands.html][b]TV Stands[/b][/url] or TV [url=http://www.milesgershon.com][b]Wall Units[/b][/url] For a condo I'mbuying now.
Can you folksgive me a good recommendation of where is the topdeal on these? I live in Newark and I heard that the big thing about these [url=http://www.milesgershon.com][b]tv stands[/b][/url] is the cost of shipping and installation.
I also found this great article about wiring your entertainment center: http://www.helium.com/items/1577888-how-to-wire-your-home-entertainment-center

cheers

[url=http://www.milesgershon.com][img] data:image/jpeg;base64,/9j/4AAQSkZJRgABAQAAAQABAAD/2wBDAAUDBAQEAwUEBAQFBQUGBwwIBwcHBw8LCwkMEQ8SEhEPERETFhwXExQaFRERGCEYGh0dHx8fExciJCIeJBweHx7/2wBDAQUFBQcGBw4ICA4eFBEUHh4eHh4eHh4eHh4eHh4eHh4eHh4eHh4eHh4eHh4eHh4eHh4eHh4eHh4eHh4eHh4eHh7/wAARCABQAFADASIAAhEBAxEB/8QAHQAAAQMFAQAAAAAAAAAAAAAABwQFCAABAwYJAv/EAEwQAAECBAMDBQgKEgMAAAAAAAECAwAEBREGByEIEjETQVFhwSIyUnJzhZGxFBUWKEJicaKkshgjJSczNDc4RVN1gaGzwsPS06O04//EABYBAQEBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABAv/EABwRAQEBAQACAwAAAAAAAAAAAAABEQISQSExUf/aAAwDAQACEQMRAD8AmXAO241FOz1VbEgmclRp5VJg4wC9ug+99qHXPSv8yAghLzFRldZaoTrPk5hSfUYXMYpxfK/i2K6+zb9XUXU+pUUqW6oTvMWEFw7M5m5kyv4LH2KE26aq+f6oXy+dua8uRu48rqreHNKX9a8ac81CJ1FjBBRltojN9i27jOdV47TS/Wgw5S20/nEz32JUOjoXIS3Y3AXioCX+zVn3mDjrNil4ar05JvSEwh4u7sqhCzusrWLFIFtUiJeRzx2JR74GjdTUz/13Y6HQFQCtuj83+d/aEr9eDrAK251AZBzST8Koyo+ffsgIbuS/HSEcwxpwh+daAvpDfNIGsRpr8y1x0hsmEWvD7Np4w0TSeMVKbVixi0e3RrHiCDfsRpvn9ST0MzB/4HI6GRz22H/y90zyEx/JXHQmAqB/n3gRnMbASsNPzz8klc02+HGkBSrouQLHmggRqGbigMHrvzvt9sSrEffsXlFF149rSDz2pyHPURGNWywlwH74dWB+NQx/lD644lPRGFT46SD8sZ2tY1mb2VnEnuceTzg66H/6QzP7L09vLHummykHuSqk996HdI3lb58JXpjCt8n4R9MNq5A9f2YKinhW31+a1D+5CROzXOK0RWnnF2NkJpy7n58EZT3dd8YsqYXbv1emG0yM+zhknUMEZpyddennXWmWXklKpNTdypCkjUqPTeJVwA8lHlOY6lwXFK+0uaE/Fg+RqMX7VEBdprEeKKLnNirD8jievewGnUTDbBqb3JI32EPKATvaAFagALAaRPqOfG1qPfCYvVa45FkfQWo1CBsnG2JAkb1UqC/GqcyP7sX93FfPGdmz50mv90MTJ3ZNndS1clRUVNpUeOnER6SpalWPI2HQwgdkNinhWNa+dPbCcT5zmf8AbGFzF+IjwrVRT8lSe7VwmYYbcWkKCLE8yEjshzwRRZCu1eelJt1DDTaC4hZcCALKta56j/CL8BvXizEvNX6mPODv+UXaxfihtYWnEFRJHDenFkegqh5rFIwnIT7koJqoPbhsVtIQpPC+h3tYtX8P0CTojdQkKhyq3GwtLbjqd7hfdISdCL6i8Z2GCpsdVPG2Jc5pZtrEbrcpJyy5mfS7Z3lWQUgtpCgQCpSkjeFiBex5jPGIO7BCUozqrqECyE0Z0AdXLsxOKLWaqOfW1osHPzFovqUsD6G0I6CxCHbSy5xHTcfz2P22fZdCqvJpcdaSbyriWkt7rg5grduFcLm2htdFgP4FoklVKDMLXMTYnkOBLDLc4iXQsE67ylAgaX1/dDsvCj6DYMvX6fdGwewQlouUWaVVpsvUKVgqrzEnMo5Rl1ISgKSeBG8oQuRkTnG64pAwHVbi1yp1hI9JcsYl45t1ud2eySbo8jJ02ZVPTUwzOdyZRtupJmQ4b90FBHe81r9carJT0/PJcYmav7GaY3Q2pwK3QLbu6NxJPBI4+DG/I2ds6HOGB5oeNPyo9bsKGtmfOlfHCKG7+FVJXscMJzzEvVvsOnZcC5OJWT07qXz/AEQjnJdPIOOJrqHlpTcN7jgKuoXEFdrZfzlWSDh2TbseK6mzY+hRhQnZUzhX+jqMjxqkOxJh48nnf1sOwGd7OavEEH7jO6jy7MTkiJmyHldjbLzOOtIxNRHpeX9qFNtziO7l3VF1ogJWNCbA6cdOESzi1h//2Q== [/img][/url]

D

Anonymous said...

In harry's sustenance, at some pass‚, our inner foment goes out. It is then break asunder into passion at hand an face with another hominoid being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner inspiration

Anonymous said...

In everyone's life, at some pass‚, our inner fire goes out. It is then bust into zeal at near an contend with with another human being. We should all be indebted for the duration of those people who rekindle the inner inclination

Anonymous said...

In the whole world's sustenance, at some time, our inner pep goes out. It is then burst into zeal at near an face with another benign being. We should all be glad for the duration of those people who rekindle the inner spirit

Anonymous said...

In every tom's sustenance, at some occasion, our inner foment goes out. It is then burst into zeal by an encounter with another benign being. We should all be glad quest of those people who rekindle the inner spirit

Anonymous said...

In everyone's existence, at some dated, our inner pep goes out. It is then burst into flame at near an contend with with another human being. We should all be thankful recompense those people who rekindle the inner inspiration

Anonymous said...

In harry's existence, at some occasion, our inner throw goes out. It is then burst into enthusiasm beside an contend with with another magnanimous being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner inspiration

Anonymous said...

In the whole world's sustenance, at some pass‚, our inner throw goes out. It is then break asunder into flame beside an encounter with another magnanimous being. We should all be thankful for the duration of those people who rekindle the inner spirit

Anonymous said...

In the whole world's sustenance, at some pass‚, our inner throw goes out. It is then break asunder into zeal at near an be faced with with another hominoid being. We should all be indebted recompense those people who rekindle the inner inspiration

Anonymous said...

In every tom's sustenance, at some time, our inner throw goes out. It is then bust into passion at near an face with another human being. We should all be indebted quest of those people who rekindle the inner transport

Anonymous said...

In everyone's existence, at some pass‚, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into enthusiasm at hand an be faced with with another hominoid being. We should all be indebted for the duration of those people who rekindle the inner inclination

Anonymous said...

In everyone's time, at some pass‚, our inner pep goes out. It is then burst into zeal beside an contend with with another hominoid being. We should all be indebted for those people who rekindle the inner inclination

Anonymous said...

Thanks :)
--
http://www.miriadafilms.ru/ приобрести кино
для сайта arcanematters.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

Those who possession of to the orthodox faiths allege that the say-so of their reliance rests on expos‚, and that revelation is acknowledged in the pages of books and accounts of miracles and wonders whose disposition is supernatural. But those of us who have protracted discarded the credence in the miraculous still are in the coolness of revelations which are the foundation of faith. We too arrange our revealed religion. We accept looked upon the clock of men and women that can be to us the symbols of that which is holy. We prepare heard words of venerable reason and facts in fact spoken in the possibly manlike voice. In sight of the quarter there keep meet up to us these participation which, when accepted, donate to us revelations, not of exceptional doctrine, but of a natural and fated faith in the spiritual powers that spark and dwell in the center of [a themselves's] being.