Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance, It's My Fault


The stages of grief is missing the “It’s my fault” stage. There was a segment on the news yesterday (and in the papers) about how drinking caffeine can double the risk of miscarriage. Great. Every woman I know who had a miscarriage already blames herself for it at some point, myself included. We think it HAD to be something we did, as if we control what happens in our uterus. We blame negative thinking, because our tentative, worried thoughts about being (and staying) pregnant must have caused the little baby inside to die. We think we weren’t grateful enough. We assume it was because we didn’t eat enough vegetables or we walked too much or we had sex or we stubbed our toe or we were being punished for transgressions from our past. And now, thanks to some stupid study, we can add drinking coffee and soda to the list of things we did to ourselves to cause fetal death. I’m not necessarily doubting the validity of the study, but, as with most medical studies, I am sure the Opposite Study will be released and there will be a new theory in a year that says that drinking caffeine will help you stay pregnant.

I find it interesting that women inflict the blame mentality on themselves after a miscarriage, but they never turn that blame on other woman. Not a single person said to me that it is my fault that I had miscarriages; in fact, they assured me otherwise. The same women that blamed themselves tell me that I had nothing to do with a baby dying inside of me. Likewise, I tell women that they are not to blame for their miscarriages either—and I mean it—even though at times it is still easy for me to slip into that frame of mind where I think it is all my fault.

It’s sad how woman (including me) have such guilt when it comes to their health and life and choices. I have a friend who had an abortion in college. She never told her husband because she was afraid he would not respect her choice, that it would change the way he looked at her. She hasn’t told many friends for the same reason. She hides this because she knows she will be judged and she is afraid of what people think.

At what point do we stop regretting our choices and instead fear other’s reactions? It happens at some point, we cross that Blame Ourselves line and thread into the waters of What Will People Think? Yes, I just mixed my metaphors. It makes me sad, that we go around hiding these sort of things, locking up our greatest griefs and secrets because at the end of the day we fear judgment the most. I’m ok with most of my decisions but I still fear what other’s think.

Pictured above, Madeline is her cute little vest and her cute little pants, a gift from her Aunties Christi and Julie. Notice the toy strapped to her wrist. She is prepared to play at all times. Below, us, in sort of matching sweaters. I still don’t think we look alike.

37 comments:

Anonymous said...

You are spot on regarding the BLAME stage that is missing. Also spot on about our blaming ourselves but never blaming another woman in the same shoes. I hate that. I could tell you 200 reasons why I think I fucked up my last cycle but I couldn't ever have that sort of thought process for anyone else.

The things on your sidebar are WAY cooler than the things on mine. I actually enjoy the ancestry links. Way more fun to investigate over the links on my blog which say things like "Have brown blood?" EW!

& seriously- matching sweaters? So effing cute.

K J and the kids said...

LDS geneology...for real !
That is hilarious.

Headed over to read all about the brown blood on calliope's site.

oh, but LOVE the vest and sweaters.

Anonymous said...

those things to the right are nifty. i've got you added to the "My Friend Flicka" book club so i remember to come visit and all.

those girls ~ ohhh the cute.

bubble_girl said...

I am a new "commentor" on your blog, I have read a couple of entries... You are a great writer. I wish I knew why the guilt was/is there and always lurking... That along with the blame... It stinks.

Heidi said...

You have taken the words right out of my mouth. I just suffered a loss before that study came out and no matter how hard I try I can't help but blame myself for drinking iced tea. Thank you for reassuring me that I am not the only person who feels this way.

Anonymous said...

This was perfect -- Thank you.

sandra said...

Well put. Thank you.

Dee said...

Well said. The guilt trip we mound on ourselves is ginormous.

I can totally see the resemblence between the two of you now!!!

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