The Short List: Mother of the Year

1. My twin feeding strategy: Fill one tiny spoon with food and put it into Maddie’s mouth; wipe off the spit-out/dribbled-out extra food from her face with spoon, feed face food to Avery. Repeat with other baby.
2. Sometimes I wait so long between baths for the girls that I think I could culture neck cheese. Crazy how those little necks are a breeding ground for…whatever that stuff is. Also toe lint and finger lint abounds, still.
3. Since my children are, of course, the most beautiful, well behaved and amazing babies in the world (naturally) I sent their pictures to a modeling agency. It’s about time they pulled their load around here. But I feel like I am already moving to the evil stage-mom end of the spectrum, a la Linds*y L*han’s mom. Next thing you know I’ll be caught partying on the town with them and letting them dress in way-too-short mini dresses, cutting out carbs, trying to diet them down to three- to six-month clothes. This could all happen, because Maddie and Avery received a call back from the agency. Now that isn’t exactly a job, but only 100 kids out of 5,000 were called back! I am so proud that my daughters are recognized for such superficial reasons! Next stop, America’s Top Model Baby. See. That’s bad.

I had a dream last night that I looked at an apartment to buy that had all glass walls. Curtains everywhere. In the bedroom I peeked behind the curtains and noticed there was a music room on the other side of the wall set up for a small band. The kitchen was ultra modern. I curled up on the bed (all white and fluffy) and fell asleep. I woke up the next day and the owner was there. I felt all awkward, like one might feel after a drunken one-night-stand. What does it all mean?! My dreams have been so vivid lately. By “lately,” I mean for the last two years.

Anyone see the train wreck that was DWTS last night? It was crazy as in crazy bad. I was so uncomfortable watching Marie. And how many times was she going to plug her doll line? This is my first season watching and regardless of the ridiculousness I am hooked. I have been casting my Dream Season DWTS. Here's who I have so far: Liza Minelli (and maybe her ex becasue wow, he is a freak show), Kathy Lee Gifford (and maybe Kelly Ripa so there is a Kathy/Kelly showdown), Judge Judy, maybe Dolly Parton, Paula Abdul...I could go on. My men list is short as in none. I am trying to think of someone not quite as obscure as say Tom Wopat but not so obvious cheese-arific as William Shatner. Yes, this is what is on my mind these days. It beats last night's erudite debate with Nicole, while watching the DWTS semi-finals:

N: She has a small heiney.
Me: You can't call an adult's butt a heiney. Heniys are for babies. Adults have butts.
N: That is so small it is a heiney.
Me: It's a butt.
N: No that is clearly a heiney.

The conversation continued in that vein for another minute or two.

Pictured above, Exhibit A and B. On top, Madeline about to put a power cord into her mouth. Notice my first instinct was to capture that moment on film…and not remove said cord from her clutches. On bottom, just look at their little shirts. They are filthy!