Noise, Nose and News

Here’s the trouble with twins: They are the yin to the other’s yang, in both good and bad ways.

With twins, you never quite get a break. When you have one child, maybe that baby doesn’t sleep through the night but takes great naps during the day. So you are up all night but get a break during the day. With twins, it’s like they draw straws and decide one will nap during the day but the other won’t. And one will sleep through the night while the other won’t. In the end it means that you don’t get a break at night and you don’t get a break during the day. There is rarely that moment of synchronicity. When both are eating well and sleeping well and all of those other things babies are supposed to do. Like today: It’s almost funny how one cried in the car for no reason; and as soon as she stopped, the other started up.

We were supposed to be in Northampton this weekend, but canceled the trip due to Avery’s little cold. Second reason for canceling is the desire to continue CIO in one place. I’m sad, because I was really looking forward to it. But we are going to Florida next week to visit Nicole’s family. So there is a lot going on.

Right now Avery is battling the sniffles. Her first case of it. I’m not quite sure if it is a cold or teething or a food allergy. Regardless, her nose is like a faucet and that makes laying down hard for her. Listening to her breathing through her mouth, that raspy sort of breathing that could mean so many scary things, it’s awful. My instinct is to close my mouth over her nose and just suck everything out of her. Seriously. Like I am an animal.

It’s funny, that is the sort of animal instinct I thought would instantly happen when the girls were born. Like I would lick the afterbirth off of my children and regurgitate food into their little mouths, if I had to. And now, little by little, I see these bizarre instinctive behaviors emerging. Digging wax out of the ears with my finger nail, and the aforementioned urge to drain Avery’s nose with my mouth. This is just the tip of the iceberg I’m sure.

My life certainly shifted in dramatic ways instantly when the girls were born, but I have to say that not everything is shaking out as I expected. Even as I sit here on, refreshed from my bath and a good day of shopping that included a snowman cookie jar and satiated from my daily ice cream with Nicole across the room from me working on her computer and two babies sleeping soundly (please) in their room, I can’t turn off the stupid noise in my head. The wasted thoughts on ridiculous, stupid things.

The noise stopped, a complete hard stop, when I was in the hospital when the babies were born. The line connecting my brain with the dark part of me was severed. Instead I focused on pain and health worries and new baby concerns. That is why, as I have said before, despite all of the physical pain and suffering of that time, I look back on it with fondness. I’m practically nostalgic for it. I was living moment to moment. I was living in the moment. No noise or news or negativity. My world collapsed into the little hospital room, with only Nicole and Madeline and Avery in orbit. And then it carried over into our home in the beginning. Just us, trying to figure things out and sort through the details of this new paradigm in our life.

But once all the dust settles, wow, those stupid thoughts come back. The body issues; the food issues; family issues; wasting time thinking about stupid things or people who aren’t worth it. Like this one: I have a friend I am (was) extremely fond of. But the dynamics of the relationship radically changed. It’s funny, because Nicole and I always used to talk about her on the way up to Northampton. It just started as a coincidence, that we would tell stories and offer praises for what an Amazing Friend she was. Then it became tradition, talking about how great she was, each trip.

And then it slowly slowly slowly deteriorated. I would love to go into detail but in the end, what is the point? It's just sad, period, end of story. People change and circumstances change and, as someone said once you don't have to change your friends if you realize your friends change. When will I realize that friendships aren’t contracts? There are times when I feel like if you so much as smile at me then we are friends for life. I take the commitment of friendship really seriously, perhaps more than I should. But I grew up with a distant and dysfunctional family, so friends, they became my family. And you accept your family, good, bad and ugly.

Well, you do until you get to a point when you just can't accept certain things and certain behaviors. And with this particular person, I got to that point. I miss her and I’m sure the feeling is mutual, but what can you do? We still talk from time to time and there is that intention to "get together" in that nebulous, never-really-going-to-happen sort of way. But I think we both know it's all talk.

The whole situation will annoy me, anger me, sadden me or frustrate me, depending on the day. That is what I mean about deficit thinking: I spend a disproportionate amount of time thinking about her than I do counting my blessings for the amazing friends I do have. The friends I’ve had for two decades; the new friends I have been lucky enough to meet in adult life; old friends that I share new language with. I may be hurt more than the average person but in the end, I feel lucky and so grateful. And I am trying really hard to focus on that and not the crap.

CIO is up to Two Weeks and A Day. We still call it CIO but truth be told, no one is really crying it out that much anymore. Maddie sleeps through the night usually, with a stirring here and there. In bed by 6:15/6:30 and up around 6:00. Amazing. Avery still wants one bottle in the middle of the night. It’s Ladies’ Choice with her: Sometimes around midnight and other times closer to 3:00. Until her little cold, though, she was pretty steady. So I have to say that this method, as hard as it is, does work. I’m not sure how to wean Avery form her middle-of-the-night bottle but we’ll leave that till after her cold and after our Thanksgiving trip to Florida. I am curious to see how a week in a new location will affect this. By “curious” I mean “terrified.”

Other news: On the running front, I signed up for my first race! It’s four miles, a distance that seems doable. I almost signed up for a 10K, with the encouragement of my running guru Molly, but decided against it because that is one whole loop around Central Park and I don’t even like to WALK that! Psychologically that would be very hard for my first race! I am still trying to figure out if I can train for a marathon. It is crazy…26.2 miles. I don’t even like to drive that far. But let’s go one race at a time. After all, until a couple of months ago, I could only run two minutes at a time. And now I can run 45 minutes, sometimes straight. I would love to do it, just for the sheer satisfaction of creating a goal and working toward accomplishing it. That and the chance/excuse to carbo load.

More news: my five-year-old nephew was voted Student of the Month for October. I totally get now why people get those bumper stickers! I was so proud. I hugged him yesterday to congratulate him and till the day I die, I will never forget that sweet look of his, a little embarrassed, a little proud, and so quick to embrace. He is Mr. Smarty Pants, reading up a storm.

Pictured above, my little sniffly Avery. I love her eyebrows! Like little inchworms! She does indeed look so much like Nicole. A medical mystery and miracle! And my teeth look so white.