Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Hello Faiure Feelings, My Old Friend

It was not the best day but I have difficulties writing about it because I feel like to admit to difficulties equals admitting failure. And why is it that so few people talk about/write about/admit to some of the challenges of parenting? People have slipped things here and there (I hear a lot of “I would NEVER do it, but I TOTALLY understand why some people abuse kids…”) but I can’t seem to find the dialogue.

It is frustrating because while I know how lucky we are to have these babies and I am so grateful that they have joined our lives and that I can stay home with them, I still have moments when I lose sight of all that. Sometimes I feel like I am barely staying afloat. It is so hard. And everyone says it will get easier but, wow, that doesn’t help in the moment.

I had this image of the kind of mother I would be. I had years to flesh out the details. And I am struggling to just fulfill a modicum of that image.

I stepped in a puddle today, which renewed my Get Me Out Of Here attitude. It will happen some day. Nicole has officially pulled out of the interview process (no weekend trip!) so we won’t be moving next month. This was a great opportunity but it really is the wrong time. Adjusting to these babies is hard enough…dealing with a move to a new place and all of the hell that goes with that is just too much right now. And we need to be around the people we know. Because as loathe as I am to admit I need help. Even though I have Nanny Annie all day and Nicole at night, that short period of time between when Nicole leaves for week and Annie comes (a mere few hours) is enough to send me over the edge.

When both babies cry and I can only attend to one at a time…it unhinges me. And then come those failure feelings again.

Pictured above is Maddie in a salad bowl and Maddie “sleeping.” She is merely resting up so she can go crazy from 6 to 10 pm. Notice how the little vampire shields out the sun from her little vampire eyes.


nycphoenix said...

I know three couples with twins and they all said the same thing you're saying. Parenting is HARD. So stop having expectations of yourself and live a minute of the time. You are doing the best you can.

And I know plenty of women who made the decision to take meds during this time. Infertility, miscarriages, and a prior history of depression can make new parenthood even more challenging. Take care of you and forgive yourself.


nailgirl said...

Omg, what can I do? Talk to me? How about recruiting family and friends? Please you are not a failure. You are a overwhelmed sleep deprived mother of twins doing the best thats he can. Take care of you hugs.

nailgirl said...

That should have read the best that she can sorry.

lagiulia said...

Admitting you're struggling and ready to abandon ship at times is not failure by any stretch of the imagination. Caring for twin babies is -I've said it before- a losing game. You're never gonna win. The best you can do is take the help that is offered, enjoy the nice moments, and decide whether you need pharmaceuticals. Okay, that's a bleak outlook. But I just can't promise you anything better. Yes, it's wonderful having babies. But two at a time? It's so far beyond demanding. Just last night my husband and I were saying that we *still* have moments of pondering just leaving. The lack of freedom one feels as a parent of young twins is so incredibly overwhelming. Everyone has his or her own way of coping with time, and the babies will get cuter and gradually more able.
I am still available to help out and would love to do so. Email or call ANYTIME!!!!! And also if you just need to vent.

lagiulia said...

PS- just for a laugh:

calliope said...

sending you lots of love.
& for real- you are NOT a failure.
talking about it all is good. All those perfect mother bloggers freak the shit out of me. What the hell IS perfect?!

Truck Driver Wife said...

Awww Jen,
Honestly, I had one child with Colic I cannot imagine having 2. You seem to be doing well with the babies. Just take it one day at a time. FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! The babies are getting used to you as much as you are them. Lets face it, There is no perfect mothers out there.

Hugs to you.

Jennifer said...

I think that was one of the hardest things I had to learn to let go of when parenting....that I wasn't going to be the uber-mom that I thought I was.

You have two babies, you're sleep deprived and you're doing the best you can.

You might want to consider talking to your doctor about how you're feeling. It might be PND on top of everything else.

Hugs my's hard but you will get through it.

Leggy said...

I just had my twins last Monday (7/9) and I have a six year old son. So far, I'm hanging in there mentally, but its mostly due to my husband still being home on leave and the night time nanny a few nights a week. I fully anticipate a meltdown coming sometime over the next few weeks.
All that to say, this sh*t is hard. And I find it hard after having been a parent for the last 6 1/2 years. As hard as it is to have 3 kids, one of whom has vastly different needs and interests than a pair of newborns, I REALLY can not imagine having multiples as a first-time parent. It is only because I went through first-time parenting before that makes the twin one-two punch a bit more managable.
Hang in there, I think you are doing a great job.

Kerry Lynn said...

Are you opposed to meds? In my opinion it's not worth not enjoying your children. If meds can make you feel better then everyone will be happier.

The first couple weeks were the hardest on me mentally. I was so bad the day we brought them home that my OB suggested I go to the emergency room! She called in a script for anti-anxiety meds. I took them for a few days and I was fine after that. Nothing wrong with getting a little help and from what you're writing it sounds like you need it. ((HUGS))