Wired and Tired

That’s the last time I have Dr. Pepper twice in one day. I indulged in exactly two Dr. Peppers today: One at lunch and one at an Oscar party. I stopped drinking soda years ago, when we started this TTC journey, except for occasional indulgences like today and on nights that I have class. And now it is 2:30 in the morning and I just can’t sleep. I am wired and so are the babies. They are punching and kicking with caffeinated abandon, which I don’t mind at all, because it is always good to feel like they are still in there.

But I am so exhausted and just want to sleep.

Sleep, anyway, just isn’t what it used to be. I sleep on my side, but I have to switch sides quite frequently because my hips start to tingle and get numb. So over I flip, taking Body Pillow with me, and disrupting the natural order of the covers. Just when I get comfortable, I have to go to the bathroom. And the cycle continues, until I fall into a fitful sleep and then have crazy vivid dreams. Last night, dreams included that I was a crab scurrying down sand dunes; another one featured Rosie O’Donnell as my neighbor; and another included me partying at a club, going into the bathroom and seeing that it was full of bowls of prescription meds that were free for the taking…I scooped up handfuls and handfuls of my favorite OTC sleep aid. Perhaps that was a foreshadow of tonight? And Freuds out there with theories?

This whole pregnancy is now taking on a life of its own. I can no longer sit back and wait for something bad to happen and coast along without doing much. I am so not a procrastinator, and yet, here I am, procrastinating. Stuff needs to be done. The room needs to be built (almost there) and furnished. Things need to be bought. Clothes need to be organized. Arrangements have to be made. Lawyers need to be contacted (oh, yes, the joys of the babies’ mother having to go through the hassle of adopting her own children…don’t get me started on this….). Closets need to be cleaned out (both real and metaphorical). Birthing classes need to signed up for. I feel like I should read at least one book on how to get babies to sleep on a good schedule. And maybe a parenting book too. A party needs to be planned. We spent almost all day on Saturday creating homemade shower invitations. We need to move forward, which requires faith and trust and a belief that everything is going to work out just fine. It really is just terrifying. It makes me feel so pathetic that I just can’t relax already.

I am six months today. 24 weeks. It blows my mind. Today for the first time someone on the subway offered me his seat. Actually, this was a double act of kindness: After the nice man vacated the seat for me to sit in, another woman made a beeline for the empty seat. But then a second woman told the woman that the seat was for me. Another pregnancy first.

Some random things:

• I have two huge painful cold sores on my lip. Two. Throbbing, painful, ugly cold sores. As my friend Tim said, they have their own heartbeats. Ugh.
• We had dinner with two good friends on Saturday night, which always makes me wonder why we don’t make huge efforts to do things like that EVERY night. Life is so much better when spending time with people you love.
• It’s snowing right now but I’m sure it will just make a slushy mess by morning.
• I’m hungry. And it’s been almost three days since my last Gummi Bear attack.
• Three more sleeps till the next Level II ultrasound. And once again that old familiar terror creeps in.
• Bullet lists are SO much easier than paragraphs when you are tired.

Pictured above is me at 24 weeks. Notice how I attempt to flatten my butt by pressing it against the wall? Does it fool anyone? And I so need a haircut. Also pictured is our weekend project: Making the invitations. That picture reinforces that I really, really dislike the color of that wall. It is called something like "Elephant Tusk," which I guess should translate into a warm ivory color. It just looks like prison beige. But Nicole has already announced that there will be no more painting in this apartment for a while. So live with it I must.