Sunday, January 14, 2007

Waiting, Impatiently

It is beyond frustrating that my FISH results are sitting in some lab, locked away until business returns as usual on Tuesday. The wait is torture, pure torture. I fluctuate between “Everything HAS to be okay” to “This is all doomed.”

The contractor came yesterday to talk about building the babies' room. I had to leave. I couldn't stay and talk so hopefully about where the door would be and where we need electrical outlets. The light brown and mint-ish green walls that I want and Nicole doesn't. The two healthy babies in their little onesies asleep in their new cribs. It is hard enough for me to visaulize all that, and now, it is just too scary.

And I thought I was afraid before. Life once again shows who's boss.

Maybe there is something chromosomally abnormal with me. After all, I had those two m/c’s and the chemicals, and we never were able to determine the cause of those. Maybe I just make some bad eggs. Maybe that ambient I took before my harrowing plane ride caused cysts. Maybe all my worrying did. Who knows? The doctors don’t even know. Which means we can’t rule anything out either.

I am reassured immensely by the fact that no other markers popped up. Yet I still can’t shake the fear that another marker might crop up in week 19. Or week 20, which is typically when the anatomy scan is done.

I am exactly 18 weeks today, and I am to afraid to take my weekly picture. My stomach looks very pregnant. I feel very pregnant. But I am so scared it is all going to be taken away from me.

Two more days till we get the FISH results…and another eight or so till we know the amnio results. Great. I'm sure time is going to just fly.


Dee said...

My thoughts have been with you all weekend knowing what you're going through. We just kept telling ourselves we can deal with whatever we're dealt. Doesn't really help but I think you starting tricking yourself into believing it at somepoint. Tuesday is getting closer. Hang in there!

Sophia said...

Wanna hang out playing bingo with seniors? I can arrange that.


Praying and thinkign of all four of you

three minute palaver said...

I am thinking fo you and the babies and hoping everything will be fine.

Targetgirl said...

I found your blog through Sophia. I am so sorry about all you are going through right now.

Not that my situation was remotely the same as yours, but we had a soft marker scare and the wait to find out if everything was ok was the hardest wait of my life (thick nuchal fold). I wish you all the patience in the world as you await for your FISH results. When I was waiting for our level 2 u/s I did TONS of research. We were fully prepared to parent a child with downs, but the other possibilities scared me to death. I really liked a thread on Baby Center that dealt specifically with Downs.

Anyway, just wanted to tell you I wish you 4 the best.