I am so happy to see the end of 2006, I really am. We didn’t even bother to say up to usher it out. We were asleep by 10:15 p.m. No fireworks, No ball dropping. I just let it slip away with barely a nod of acknowledgment.
To say this was a difficult year would be an understatement. At times I really didn’t think I would get through it without massive setbacks and significant collateral damage. Obviously, Nicole was my life preserver (and punching bag and shoulder to cry on and support and everything else). And there were a couple of truly special people who kept me afloat too. It took me a year to get to a point where I could say that even without children, my family with Nicole was complete. We were enough; she was enough; and plans were just that: Just one esoteric way my future could work out, with no real guarantees. And then I got pregnant. It’s like I had to learn that lesson first before the universe would acquiesce to my request.
So now it is 2007, and if we are lucky then we will have an amazing spring gift of two babies. When I am not terrified out of my mind, I feel like the luckiest person in the world. I’m four months now (and a day) and beginning to show it a little. I think I still just look bigger, not pregnant. Although Nicole sometimes laugh when she sees my stomach and proclaims me “so pregnant.” I actually bought maternity jeans yesterday (a big step for me) and am reveling in the joys that are elastic waistbands. I have started wearing Nicole’s oversized buttons-downs, which is what we used to say I would wear when I was pregnant and getting big. And now here we are.
In the meantime, I don’t really have any resolutions for this new-has-to-be-better new year. I don’t exactly believe in them. (Why wait till January 1st to make changes?) However, I do have some things to figure out. I am a semester away from finishing my second Masters in a field that I am not sure I will stay in for the long run. How did that happen?! If all goes well, I should graduate a week or two before these babies come. Plans for a doctorate must be put on hold if we are lucky enough to have these babies in the spring. Plans to return to work are on the back burner too now that there are two babies on the way. In light of all that, I need to learn to find some self-worth in being the non-financially contributing partner of this family (and living in the shadow of my superstar successful girlfriend). Making dinner and ironing might be integral to the success of a household and family, but it just seems so…empty sometimes.
I hope this is a better year for everyone who had as awful a 2006 as I did. But I realize that there is potential, of course, for this to be the worst year yet. But I can’t even think about that right now. I am trying to be positive and to be grateful for all that I do have. I have Nicole; I have a home; I have some amazing friends and little people in my life; I have security; and maybe just a little bit of hope. And all I am asking for is two healthy babies this spring. What more could a person want really? It took this past awful year for me to realize that.
Two more sleeps till my next sonogram…..
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1 comment:
oh Jennifer. reading your post was like reading my own mind - my 2006 sounds a lot like yours was. And my partner also has turned out to be more of a rock than I ever imagined. And now, as you know from visiting me, we're just behind you by about a week preg with twins. I have many of the same battles - what's my worth if i'm not working? what do i want to DO with my career? will i be able to have one with two little ones? why can't i just be happy making dinner for the family? etc. trying to change some of my fears and assumptions about all of this. i'm adding you to my blogroll if that's ok - will be reading you often. continued good luck! hugs
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