Friday, February 11, 2011

Maybe I am Over Thinking It

There seems to be an epidemic of “I’m not going to blog anymore,” and bloggers who are blogging less and less. I am swirling in it too. And there is part of me that thinks I may stop soon. There are multiple reasons for this:

1. I’ll admit it, the homophobic comment freaked me a bit. I posted about it on facebook: Someone left a nasty comment here that basically said I had issues because of my sexuality and that my children will suffer in a gay family. Nice, right? I deleted it, so I doubt anyone saw it. But it really bothered me. I get that my family is not everyone’s cup of tea, but I am not thrilled when people feel like they have the right to tell that to my face, via blog comment, that is. It made me feel very exposed, and very exposed for my children.

2. Time is at a premium: In fact as I sit here, Avery is squirting leave-in conditioner in my hair and brushing it, as Madeline builds magnet boxes next to us. Taking the time to write seems like a luxury. I feel guilty, like I should be engaged with the girls instead of engaged with my own thoughts. I don’t want to take away from their time. 18 months till Kindergarten. Yes, I’m counting.

3. Not full disclosure: One of the reasons I write is because it helps me sort out my thoughts and issues. And I really value other people’s thoughtful comments. But I am having a hard time writing about certain relationships with certain people. If you’ve read this blog for a while, you will know most likely of who I speak. There are things in my head that I am trying to sort out. For example, how awful I feel about my niece and nephew’s move to China. How I feel like my relationship with them is forever cracked, due to the distance. How upset I am that they were in the US at Christmas but I didn’t see them. However, I feel like I can write about all that in detail. “I miss Leif and Skye” isn’t exactly encompassing. It’s ok for me to expose my life, but I just don’t feel like it is my right/place to expose other people’s lives and/or issues.

4. Privacy: My girls are getting older, and I feel like I need to protect their privacy more. Down the road, they might not be thrilled with the stories and anecdotes I share. There could be a lot of retro bitterness. And more of that exposure word. Or, overexposure.

There you have it. I’m still trying to figure out what to do. I sit down and write and what I write is to personal to post. Or is it? I can’t figure it out. All I know is, I will be lost if I don’t write. It is the last thread of me, who defines who I think I am. So I need to figure it out.

Something I can post about is this: Parenthood, the television show, makes me cry every episode. Every single one. I find it to be a very realistic and well written show. I did have one issue with it, though. A few weeks ago, I saw an episode (I think from the first season) that included a story line of how the teenage daughter was so impressed with her aunt’s fancy career, but she seemed not so impressed with her stay-at-home mom. I thought it was great that a television show was addressing this. This resonates with so many moms. Every single close friend mom friend I know has expressed to me at one time or another how they feel like they aren’t contributing anything/doing anything/etc. if they stay at home. So I was thrilled when I saw this very issue on television! But then, not so much. This is what happened next: The father took the daughter to a beautiful park and said, essentially, “See this great park? This park wouldn’t be here if your mom didn’t petition some people and raise $200,000.” The message that that sends is, it’s ok to be a stay at home mom, as long as you, you know, do something important, like raise 200K to build a freaking park. Maybe I am over thinking it.

Earlier this week, my friend Jen made Chicken Lo Mein for dinner. As what usually happens with us, her cravings become my cravings, and vice versa, so naturally I had to make it. The next day, she tells me how it took her two and a half hours to make and how her kids didn’t even eat it, though she and her husband loved it, even though it was too salty. (Mental note: Chinese five spice + soy sauce + Hoisin sauce + oyster sauce = seltzer all night long.). She lamented how she spent so much time —time that she COULD have spent with her kids — and to what gain? This didn’t deter me, and I subsequently spent two and a half hours doing the same thing, and ending up with the exact same result: good, but salty; kids won’t eat it; and was it worth it? Wouldn’t that time have been better spent with the girls? Should I be cutting slivers of cabbage or reading with the girls? Maybe I am over thinking it.

On an exciting note, I won a one-hour session with a psychic, and my appointment is tomorrow. I want to be a believer, I really do, but there is a giant skeptic that lives in me. I am looking for some hard-core evidence of an after-life. Which I guess proves that I suffer from a crisis of faith. Isn’t faith, after all, believing in what can’t be proven? And yet I need proof? Maybe I am over thinking it.

Pictured above, winter and scribbled art. And Avery, at the dentist, because how cute is that?


Shannon said...

I hope you don't stop blogging as I enjoy reading what you have to say. Have you considered making the blog private and only inviting certain people to read? I did this with my blog because I didn't want family to find it. I have very few real-life friends read and instead invite other bloggers because I feel like we have a great community of friends and their feedback is important to me. And now I can say what I need to say without worrying about who will see it or who it will get back to. Just a thought.

Malea said...

In response to your first dilema use the other blog for everything if that make you feel better.

I really am impressed with Parenthood too altho i don't recall which episode you're talking about. Was it the mother of the daughter who's sneaking to see the black kid in AA versus her aunt the lawyer ?

Hope said...

I do really enjoy your blog too, and will truly miss it if you stop. So far, I don't think that you've written anything about the girls that will upset them later on in life. Possibly some of the negative comments, but delete them before the girls are old enough to read. You're a great writer, you'd miss it if you stopped completely. If you ever get a regular column published, you know you'd have a following!

Carey said...

I also waffle back and forth about blogging - but in the end, I'd likely go private and continue that way. I agree with the reasons you talk about on why it's harder to blog... I do enjoy your blog. My vote is for you to stick around :)

Jeannine said...

I love your blog and have been reading for years. Would miss it if it were gone, but I totally understand your rationale and many of those same reasons have kept me from blogging at all even though I feel I write blog entries in my head everyday. Do what brings you joy, whatever that is.

judy(formerly a very open book) said...

I have been following your blog from day one. And even feel as though, if we ever met, we would really enjoy a run followed by coffee and conversation. Can you please not go away completely, because I have really come to depend on your insights? This is no small feat, as I don't generally trust anyone else’s insights but my yours of course.
So change your blog name and move your content to a safe site and let in only we people who have you, Nicole and the girls best interests at heart.
I'll happily play bouncer if you need one. :)

Anonymous said...

I would be so sad to see you stop writing. Your Blog was the first one I found...and I was HOOKED! Since then I've come across so many wonderful blogs of strong, smart, funny women, trying to make this world a better place, and I have you to thank for that.

Your family is wonderful, Nicole and the girls are blessed that you are there for them. Your writing is thoughtful, honest, funny, raw and I would miss it terribly if you stopped.

I don't have my own blog, I've thought about starting my daughter is now going to be a mom in August (yes I'm going to be a grandmother and am so excited to be able to enjoy the world though a child's eyes again). When I read your and other ladies blogs, I realize how much of my daughter's life has fallen into the forgotten place in my brain. Sometimes when I read a brings back those memories and I try and jot them down so I won't loose them again. So I guess this very long comment is to one...say, don't stop will want to remember everything: sweet, wonderful, happy, frustrated, hard, loving moments in your family's life, and what better way to do that...but to blog. Oh and second...if you decide to go private, I'm hoping that you will let me join in, so I can continue to follow along. Leslie (L)

Kerry Lynn said...

You just need to go private. You can't stop!

My blog is on its last legs and I really never saw that coming. I think that facebook has a lot to do with it. I spend so much time there it's pathetic! But in all fairness to myself it's got a lot to do with my business.

Calliope said...

I forbid you to stop writing.

So there.

I needed to do a change in focus for my blog and I have lost pretty much all of my readers - but it's brought me back to writing as a way to chronicle. And since I don't want to hang on to all the crap of every day I'm trying to really focus on parts of the day that I love.

I love Parenthood - except for the casting of the youngest sister.

K J and the kids said...

HEY !!!! I COMMENTED ON THIS BLOG. It was spoken from the heart and thoughtful and had all of the answers.

well shit. I thought that the reason you decided to keep blogging was in complete consideration for what I had written here...and now I know I had nothing at all to do with it.

Glad you are still blogging my friend.