Sunday, January 31, 2010

Too, too, too. Me, me, me

Here’s a Blind Item to start your Sunday morning:

Me: “Why don’t you come into the city tomorrow and hang out with me and girls? I can’t drive out there because Nicole and the car are in Massachusetts.”
Mystery Person: “I think I’ll take a pass.”

You’ll take a pass?! Who even uses that sentence construct when declining a “please visit me” request? You pass on stuffed mushrooms or chicken satay. You pass on the dutchie passed on the left hand side. You pass on a third shot of tequila. You don’t pass on people. Several excuses were rattled off. I give you, in no particular order: Too tired, too cold and too much. When will I stopped feeling stunned? My disappoint knows no boundaries, apparently. Who knows how to fence off rejection pain?

So, yes, that dark mood is still lingering.

Last night I kneeled at the girls’ bed, where they were both sleeping angelically together, put my hands on their backs to make sure they are breathing, and just cried. It was like a moment out of a movie. I could imagine a camera above me, circling around the scene. Maybe it’s hormones. I don’t know. Maybe it’s because they are so sweet and so innocent when they are at the most sleeping vulnerable, and I feel like a monster for ever losing my patience with them. Maybe I am just exhausted. Whatever it is, I am not feeling very balanced right now, but tears aren’t helping.

I put about $600 dollars worth of merchandise into my virtual shopping cart, which, of course, I ended up deleting, because that’s not going to make things better, is it? But my vices are limited.

I’ve had three cups of coffee and made big plans for the day in my caffeine high. And already I have a feeling none will see the light of day.

Pictured, Madeline, who manages to pull off a look that says both “bored” and “above you” like no one else. And Avery, happy as a lark.


CD and SP said...

We actually just faced a similar situation with a certain family member when we were trying to go in on a gift when another important family member retired this week. we were like, seriously? you're going to "pass" celebrating a big thing like retiring from a job, a career, a life? yes, disappointing as it is, we must just move on and put their negativity behind us and try not to take it personally.

K J and the kids said...

I do that TOOO ! I shop online and then leave it in my cart. (I don't delete it, I let them delete it. I need to work on that)

I'm sorry you are feeling blue. It must be in the air. It must be in the chill in the air.

Sing with me.....sunshine...shining on me...nothing but sunshine do I see-eee.

Anonymous said...

I think I'll take a pass??!! That is rough, I'm with you on that one.{{{{HUG}}}}

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calliope said...

wow. what a kick ass spam comment!

"I'll take a pass"? wow. Does this person even realize what a smack of an answer that is? I mean it isn't like you are asking this person for anything often or ever and I imagine the asking wasn't easy...but 'I'll pass"??? fuck.

Anonymous said...

I’m so sorry, that you are feeling down. I can understand your feelings 150%. My “father” started taking a pass on my life when I was about 6…My entire life, I always thought I was not good enough……when he started doing it to my daughter…I took a pass on him. She was 9 at the time….she’s almost 23 now, haven’t spoke to him since then (14 years…just counted that out…I have to say I’m surprised it been that long).

It was the best thing I did for me. At that moment, I realized for the first time….I was good enough, and it was his loss. He probably didn’t realize it at the time and I doubt he even realizes it now. I was never strong enough to walk away from him for myself…it was easier to just let him make me feel like the throw away daughter, but when it came to making his first grandchild a throw away too….I’ll be damned.


Shelli said...

I'm sorry sweetie, that's so harsh. And wrong.

If commiseration helps? Mom has met Malka. Once. When she was 8 months old, yet still insists on my referring to her with the kids as their "safta," the Hebrew word for grandmother. She wants ME to do the work. Not her.

Um, yeah.


Schroedinger said...

What crap! I am sure it was not a personal rejection, so much as an "I'm-too-lazy-and-too-proud-to-admit-it." moment. But, ugh... it sucks anyway.

I have a question for you re: ivf... If you have a moment, would you e-mail me at kgsavoie at gmail dot com? Thanks!

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry. I know what this feels like too" I'm just too busy to help you out, even though I know you're in the middle of a crisis" is what I heard from 3 different people yesterday.

dark moods are lingering here as well.