Thursday, December 31, 2009

Inward, Upward and Forward: My Year in Review and My Upcoming Hopes





I am looking forward to the next year for the simple reason that I illogically like years and days that end in even numbers better than I like years and days that end in odd numbers. This is why we were married on the 24th of October, and not the infinitely easier to schedule 25th (which fell on a Saturday). And 2010 has such a great ring to it, no? Twenty ten. Twenty-ten is so very Hollywood-sounding, so modern, so shiny and new. Not everyone is drinking the year-naming Kool-aid: My friend Erin is going with Two-Zilch-One-Zip. That just rolls off the tongue, no?

For some reason, despite all the of media coverage and endless “best of the decade” lists, it didn’t really hit me until last week that we are ending one decade and beginning a new one. Surreal. The 00s or aughts or whatever we as country never really named it is coming to an end. It was a sweeping, epic decade for me: I quit drinking and quit smoking and got married and went through infertility and miscarriages and had twins and got two Masters degrees. I was given a niece and a nephew, and through Nicole another three. I learned more than I can possible recount in this post without boring readers to tears. And I achieved a happiness and a content-ness that I never knew was possible. Bottom line: This decade I have settled down without settling, which is a very good thing.

And while this may not have been the most momentous of years, it was quite good. Without further ado, here is my annual wrap-up post:

Inchoate Personal Philosophy, Part One: Random acts of kindness need not be sanctioned or ordered by others. I have officially retired the phrases “Let me know if you need anything” and its partner “let me know if there is something I can do” and instead will just do something. Anything. Because more often than not, people are not good delegators, and the smallest of tangible gestures — especially in times of need — are appreciated much more than my sentences filled with promises of gestures that I have every intention of delivering on, but then don’t.

Inchoate Personal Philosophy, Part Two: Nothing permanently bad can happen to us. There can be nothing but an eventual happy ending, even if we have to walk through fire to get there. Believe me, I can worry and fret with the best of them, and this year I spent my fair share of time in a fugue of what ifs. However, I started asking myself, what is the WORST that could happen? As long as my family is healthy and safe, there is nothing we can’t get through. This was put to the test this year, as the economy spent another year on the down side and there was always that underlying threat of, will Nicole lose her job at a major bank? You know, those banks that were too big to fail, but kinda did anyway? Will she be layed off, like millions of other people? She did indeed make it through all those rounds of layoffs. Yet how many days did I waste in a panic state, borrowing worry for no reason at all? So now, when worry creeps in, I determine the worst case scenario and figure out how we will survive it. It brings me instant ease. These days, I stress more about the micro issues (What will we have for dinner? Did Maddie’s tick bite turn into Lyme disease?) then I do about the macro (Where will the girls go to Kindergarten? What if Nicole loses her job? Where will we be in sixteen years?). One day at a time and all that.

Most Illegal New Habit: I have become a shoplifter, of the accidental variety. Navigating my giant stroller through the stores while trying to keep the girls’ hands off of everything and still managing to pick up everything on my list proves to be challenging. I am always stuffing food into the canvas bags I bring and on the stroller top and in the basket under the stroller. Sometimes I let the girls hold things because I will do whatever it takes to keep them calm and occupied in public. They need to hold a gallon of milk? Be my guest. Checking out becomes chaos and occasionally I forget that Avery has a giant box of Cheerios on her lap. Or that a $20 package of chicken is laying across the top of the stroller. And the best part is, the cashier never seem to notice either. She lets me shuffle off without so much of peep to me. Before anyone starts calling authorities, I do indeed go back and return what my children steal. 99 percent of the time. The funny thing is when I do go back, the cashiers are always like “Dude, why did you come back to pay?” I guess accidental shoplifting is one proven way to keep grocery costs down.

Best Lesson Learned From a Children’s Show: This important lesson is brought to me by Yo Gabba Gabba: “Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out. Now you have patience.” In some of those moments when I feel like a women on the verge, I do just that, and it works. But let’s be clear: I spend much more of my time in an impatient state and many times I am too impatient to practice what I am preaching here. That’s something I need to continue working on.

Things I Am Happy To Leave Behind: Bye-bye recession, hellooooo slow economic recovery. Also, I am happy to have a particularly bad week in August waaaaay behind me. And a fond farewell to the two giant and painful cold sores that adorned my upper lip this past year for a couple of weeks. I have never in my life had such bad sores. I looked like a bad Botox victim.

Double Indemnity: Speaking of that awful August week, I have finally figured out that I can’t try people for the same crime over and over and over and over again. That, I guess, is the cornerstone of a hard, unforgiving attitude. And I am oh so good at it. I don’t know why this is just occurring to me now, but I can say, definitively, ok, universe, I hear you. Message received, loud and finally clear. Now I need to work on moving on (aka, forgiveness, which I can admit is very hard for me) and leaving past transgressions in the past; to not be shocked at present transgressions, and to fully anticipate future transgressions. There is too much good out there to waste time on the bad.

Biggest Holy Crap Moment: We bought a house in Northampton. This house, which we looked at years ago, before the girls were around, was fated to be ours. And yet another lesson on the positive side effects of patience. Now, every Friday night after Nicole gets home from work, we pack up the car and our fun little dinner canteen with four individual dinners (I hate fast food, so stopping on the road at a random drive-thru isn’t really an option) and head two-and-a-half hours north for the weekend. After 20 years in the city, I am finding my country-side. Our lives now are a study in opposites: The loud, fast-paced city during the week and the quiet, slow-paced country on weekends. It is awesome. The girls love it, too. And it may include bears in the spring and summer!

My Family, Government Approved: After a long and sometimes annoying and very expensive process, Nicole officially adopted the girls. She is legally their mother, in the prying eyes of Big Brother (though, let the record reflect, I am grateful that I can make catty comments about my government without being jailed. Go America!). It took the government years, lots of red tape, and all that money to acknowledge what we already knew. But I am going to try not be bitter and instead focus on the positive: No one can take the girls away from Nicole. And her name will be on their birth certificate. Take that, people who hate my family.

I Never Thought It Would Happen, Part 1: I am losing a taste for chicken. And keep in mind that chicken is the only meat I eat. That means my food choices, already limited by my extremely unforgiving palate, are going to be further reduced. I don’t know why this is happening. Take tonight: I made chicken parm and spaghetti for Nicole and the girls, but I roasted tomatoes and caramelized onions and put those on bread, then added cheese and broiled it, because I didn’t feel like eating chicken. Nicole says I will be completely vegetarian within a few years. That may be true. What I do know for certain: I will never in a millions years be able to go vegan. I love cheese and pizza too much, and will accept no substitute.

I Never Thought It Would Happen, Part 2: I have begun reading books electronically. I swore I never would. But what do I know? I also said the internet would never take off and in college I wrote a review of an early No Doubt album with the headline “There’s No Doubt They Lack Talent.” I can read so much more and so much more effectively with the Kindle. So when I am summoned to watch an episode of Sesame Street sandwiched between my two toddlers, I can be reading my book too. Sorry, Big Bird, but you lost your luster years ago.

Best Movie: I haven’t seen too many movies in the theater this year, but my favorite was Precious, by far. Up in the Air was worth seeing too, even though I have strong memories of getting popcorn sick after that movie. And there is a special place in my heart for Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, which earned the honor of being the girls’ first in-theater movie. (the book is much better, naturally).

Best Movie I Didn’t See But Will on DVD: I am a sucker for feel-good movies like The Blindside and for documentaries like The Cove. Both of those are on my short list.

Most Watched DVDs: Curious George movie; Elmo in Grouchland; Elmo’s Potty Time. I did manage to slip in Love, Actually on Christmas Eve.

Best Books: Grand total read: 27. But I also read a lot of samples through Kindle, which I ended up not downloading. Right there, the Kindle proves its worthiness: Under previous circumstances I would have bought the book and started to red it and tossed it aside if I didn’t capture my attention. Lit by Mary Karr was by far the best biography I read (sorry Melissa Gilbert and Tori Spelling, but Karr defined this genre, so it stands to reason her third book beat yours by a landslide). The Hunger Games was compulsively readable and completely unlike any book I usually read, and so is the sequel. Cutting for Stone was sweeping and epic. The Phsyick Book of Deliverance Dane was page-turner. I was lucky with my picks: I pretty much enjoyed almost every book I read this year, with the exception of two. I would so love to join a book club.

Biggest Musical Surprise: So I like Taylor Swift. And after watching the Curious George movie approximately 175 times I came to enjoy Jack Johnson. I also liked Rob Thomas’ new album. However, this year proved one again that I am a musical creature of habit, and will listen to Patty Griffin an Erasure and 80s music and Melissa Etheridge and Pink and my other traditional and not-so-traditional favorites over and over and over again. I did one six-mile run listening to NIN’s “Head Like a Hole” on repeat and another one listening to Dido’s “Here With Me.” And yet another study I contrasts.

Most Listened to CD: Carrie Underwood’s Carnival Ride, for the second year in a row. The girls love this CD, as we have been playing it since they were born. They even ask for it by name. Needless to say I am beyond sick of it. And yet, Nicole and I are going to see Carrie live in March!

Healthiest Habit: My morning breakfast smoothies, which I started in August, inspired by my friend-of-two-decades Molly. This new breakfst instantly ended my an awful cycle of not really eating breakfast or wondering every day what to eat. I blend fresh and frozen fruit, milk, Chia seeds and the magically delicious Amazing Grass green powder. It really starts my day off well and it totally fills me up. And I kicked my coffee creamer habit: Sadly, no more of the delicious (but fake) vanilla creamers for me. I switched back to milk in my coffee. It only took a couple weeks to re-acclimiate my taste buds to just milk. But it was tough. I also cut my coffee consumption from, oh, six or so cups to just two a day. But I seem to cycle with this: I will go through low coffee periods and then I will experience months of high volume coffee drinking.

Running up That Hill, Still: I continued running, upping my average from four miles a day to six miles a day, six days a week. I did a 5K in Northampton on a chilly winter morning, too, which is kinda a big deal for me as I am an indoor treadmill runner and not used to the hills and hard pavement and vehicular traffic.

Unhealthiest Habit: I am still not drinking nearly as much water as I should be. I neglect going to the dentist this year. And I could be better about using sunblock. There’s more, but I am trying not to dwell in the negative.

The Year of New Electronics: We acquired an alarming array of new electronics this year. Most were gifts: A GPS for Valentines Day (bye, Mapquest); a new computer for our anniversary (bye, creepy gray sick Mac screen); and a Kindle for my birthday (bye, books as we know them). My brother gave us a Blu Ray player (which, thank goodness, will also play our DVDs). My mom gave use a digital indoor/outdoor thermometer (so fun!). And then there is the iPhone. I love it more than I ever thought I could.

Brush with Fame: Madonna thanked me; Angela Landsbury breezed past me in Whole Foods; Jane Fonda hugged me.

Favorite TV Show: Mad Men, The Office and Survivor were on my Tivo list. The girls are enjoying Sesame Street, Curious George and Yo Gabba Gabba. Oh, and Spongebob, much to my chagrin.

What I am Grateful For: Nicole, Madeline and Avery, which I am sure goes without saying. But it is nice to writ it down every once in a while to remind myself about what really matters. Not to get too new age-y, Indigo Girls-y or anything, but I think family is fate. Every big and little decision and important and random event in my life lead to us. I am lucky and happy where I landed.

What I am Grateful For, Part Two: I wouldn’t be able to get through life without my friends. To wit: Today I received an email from a friend with this message: “I am here for you. I love you.” Which is exactly what ones needs to hear (and feel) from friends. There are some friends I speak with every day, and there are others who I check in with less regularly. But I feel grateful to have reached the point with some friendships when you know, no matter what, they are there. I’ll be the first to admit that I am needy and require a lot of attention and can be easily hurt, but the good news is, I understand that about myself now and I get over perceived slights lightening quick.

Relationship Lo-lights: Date night? Alone time together? What alone time together? Nicole and I spent a pitiful amount of time alone. Sure, once the girls go to bed around 7, it is just us. But that is not the same as spending time together out, doing something, creating new experiences. And besides, we both use that time to unwind and read and take baths and teach online classes and relax. All before our crazy early bedtime, like 8:30 for Nicole, and usually around 9:00 for me. However, I do read usually till ten. And my alarm goes off at 4:20 so I can go to the gym, so there is a reason why I am in bed so early. Still, we need to find a way to connect more regularly as a couple and create those aforementioned new experiences. Alone.

When Did They Become These People?: The girls are little walking, talking, thinking beings. They use complete sentences. They say thank you and please. Avery is a mushy, loving, cuddler, who lays her head on our shoulders and asks to be tucked in. When Maddie cries, she hugs her and comforts her, patting her back and saying “It’s ok, Maddie.” She can whistle, and does often. She loves to wear stretch pants and pajamas. She insists on helping pick out her outfits each day, which leads to some pretty interesting outfits: In other words, outfits that make me cringe. She loves to dance around and is starting to sing: Just yesterday she sang the entire Twinkle Twinkle song! And she has the best laugh. Madeline is so independent in so many ways. She is easy going and very go-with-the-flow. She loves sets of things: A pack of cards or a stack of puzzle pieces. She can stack blocks about 20 high. She knows her alphabet and numbers to 20 in English and to ten in Spanish. Her good moods are infectious: Seeing her happy is just contagious. And she has the best smile, the kind that lights up her entire face.

Just So You Know, It Isn’t All Sweetness and Light: The girls ARE two and a half, after all. Avery has learned how to whine. Where? I have no idea. But she can whine with the best of them. And when Maddie gets mad, watch out. She has this cry/screech that hurts my ears. And both will fight over the same stupid toys. A random toy will sit in the middle of the living room for an hour but as soon as Maddie decides to touch it, Avery is screaming MINE. And vice versa. I do feel that a lot of the power struggles between them and me lies in communication issues. After all, they can’t quite express themselves fully yet. So I am white-knuckling it through the rough spots and hoping for even keel soon.

Aging is Just Great, Isn’t It?: 
I suffered a nasty ankle sprain in July. Thank goodness I had a few leftover Percoset, the wonderful masker-of-pain. I had to follow up on my enlarged thyroid, which, of course, had me worried about the big C word. And then there is the little issue of my heart beating irregularly, which could lead to a pacemaker in my future. Nice.
Future Medical News, Perhaps?: I signed up to be a bone marrow donor, prompted by a post Unwellness wrote in the late fall. My cheeks have been swabbed and my DNA is in the system. This means I could get a call that I am match tomorrow, or I could get a call never. I had thought about doing this for years, but always had this worry, what if I died while under anesthesia? I thought about it and realized that I have not heard one story about people who have died donating marrow. And I am pretty sure the media would be all over that story, if it were common.

And Even More Medical Lessons: When you doctor tells you don’t in any circumstances stop taking Lexapro cold turkey, she means it. I tried and it was awful. Silly me, thinking I knew what I was doing.

Reunited and it Feels So Good: I was reunited with my childhood nanny, which turned me in a blubbering idiot. When I saw her a cascade of randomly strung together memories fell out of my mouth: “And I remember your hands always smelled like Vaseline. And you had croutons in Tupperware. And that macramé you had all over the house. And your giant boat of a Cadillac. And your dog Taffy. And how you touched my check in such a loving way. And how you let me open your junk mail, which I didn’t realize was junk mail.” I wish so badly that she lived near me now because I want her back for my own kids. I didn’t realize how important she was to me and what a part of my childhood she was till I saw her again. I was also reunited via Facebook with my middle years summer nanny. She was this hot-to-trot tanned, blonde California girl in short shorts and tube tops who I idolized as a child. She was so creative and caring and loved to write. She would take me on walks to a local pond where we would both bring notebooks and just write. And such my love of writing (and career path) was born. She taught me the sign language alphabet, which I did indeed use once in my life to communicate with a deaf person who needed help registering to vote. She was so patient and kind and loving. Funny how we overlook the role models right in front of us sometimes because we are too busy lamenting how someone isn’t being a role model. I am happy to have renewed contact with both.
Looking Inward: I had a particularly rough week in August (see the secret blog entries for a recap). But there was a silver lining to that awful week. I reached a turning point, a rock bottom and a realization all at once. There was no where to go but up. And slightly away. Just goes to show that good things can come from bad.

Looking Upward: Hello, burgeoning faith. I thought religion was like ice skating or golf and new languages: Unless you start at a very young age, you can’t turn pro. It’s not that I am a Godless person, or ever was, but I lacked a religious foundation and upbringing. I found that I must create one myself, and that I *can*create one myself. So faith and me and religion are not a lost cause. This past year, something clicked in me: Something I can’t quite explain yet, but this feeling, this belief, this undeniable knowledge that random luck is not soley responsible for the good things in my life. Call it God or karma or the Universe or whatever: But there is a force, even if it is just the force of forward motion. And that bad things are not just a scattershot from an ill will gun. I spent the fertility years thinking how terrible life was, how unlucky I was. But, looking back, I was fortunate then, too: Fortunate to have Nicole and a relationship that was able to survive that stress; fortunate to realize that we can survive tough times and come out the other end; fortunate to have friends who carried me through that awfulness; fortunate to have discovered a community online that I still rely on and turn to. There is always a thread of a silver lining, and sometimes it can’t be untangled until way after the fact.

Looking Forward: I am not really a hard-core resolutionist, but this is what I want to see happen in 2010:

• I miss my memory-book creating days. Before the girls were born, I used to create something akin to scrapbooks. Well, they are more like captioned photo albums. But I loved doing them, and loved looking back on them. This year, I want to start them again.

• I want to run a 10K and maybe a 15K. And if I win the NYC Marathon Lottery in March, I may undertake training for a marathon. The chances of my winning are very slim. But who knows? I am letting fate decide if this is the year I try to run (...and walk....) a marathon.

• I want to continue phasing out processed foods from my diet and the girls’ diet. And drink more tea, because, apparently, this is good for you.

• I want to learn, really learn, the fundamentals of good photography. Each week, I want to focus on a new topic and then use my friend Google to research, read, review and learn. I think I may have roped a friend in on this too. Who needs fancy photography school? Everything we need to know is out there already.

• Nicole and I will be doing our annual first week cleanse diet. Nothing but brown rice and veggies and fruit smoothies, oh my. I think we usually make it five days. But I love the routine of it.

• The other stuff, I will figure out as I go along.

As I teach my students in one of my online classes, big goals need to be broken down into smaller, attainable goals. And steps need to be taken every day to reach said goal. So that is exactly what I will be doing these first few weeks: Figuring out how and when are why and all those other logistics.

And now begins the… Twenty Teens? The Teens? And it kinda blows my mind that in another decade, we will be saying the 20s. Cliché as it is, I must point of that time flies at an alarming rate, and I am sad that these moments are passing by. Each one spent angry or bitter or hard will be one I regret on my deathbed.

On that morbid note, Happy New Year to all of you! Enjoy the night, and the champagne, if you can! I am pretty sure this year, like the recent past ones, we will be ringing in the New Year sound asleep. And that is just fine with me.

51 comments:

Farmer Femme said...

What a lovely entry. I have learned so much from you and just eat up posts like this. Happy New Year to your amazing family. xo

libbittoo said...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

For the Long Haul said...

Happy New Year to you and your family. It is almost exactly midnight in NY right now (I'm in CA). This was a great entry. Thanks for taking the time to write it. I really enjoyed reading it. Best for 2010!

tracer123 said...

Happy New Year!

K J and the kids said...

I want you to share, really share....all that you learn about photography :) Blindside rocks and so does It's Complicated.
Love your post. Happy 2010 !

Jeannine said...

Happy New Year! Beautiful, thoughtful post too.

Anonymous said...

Keep posting stuff like this i really like it.

Maya said...

Long time reader and I think first time commenter...I LOVE this post. It makes me wish I'd written a year end post. Just, beautiful.

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