Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Quick: Someone Remind Me How Lucky I Am

My children are having Raisonettes for breakfast. Actually, technically, they are having chocolate-covered raisons. We now buy the giant-size no-name tub of them, instead of teeny little boxes, since they are such huge hits with the girls. Avery wakes up nearly every morning and demands “nets.” I usually pacify her instead with yogurt (“lido”) or croissants (“sants”) or bread (“bed”) but lacking all these this morning and feeling especially tired, I surrendered quickly and set them both down on the couch with milk (Maddie) and water (Avery) and mini bowls of Nets and Sesame Street. A small price to pay for peace, for me, for almost an hour.

Nicole took a personal day today and while I like to imagine it was an elaborate rouse so she can spend the day buying huge, expensive, elaborate and thoughtful birthday presents for me, I know this is not the case (I can’t talk about what she IS doing right now. Soon.). She will be home in the afternoon, so there is that to look forward to. Anything to break up the monotony of the day, because the days are becoming so very routine. I beat the same paths daily, to the same food stores and the same Duane Reade and the same playgrounds and the same Central Park, following the same routine (in the morning: empty dishwasher; clean coffee maker; set up coffee for next morning; refill dishwasher; fill up water cups) and it is getting to me a little.

Maybe more than a little.

To be ore blunt, the tedium of day-to-day life, of the repetitive tasks that I do ad infinitum, is fraying at my nerves. My to-do list, a literal checklist with boxes for me to X out, includes things like “Pick up dry cleaning” and “laundry,” which I still put on the list, even though I am in a constant state of picking up dry cleaning or doing laundry (and here is an example of how much I hate change: Even though our dry cleaner will deliver, for free, I insist on picking up our dry cleaning instead.)

I am not sure where this is all coming from. It feels like a mini-depression, and its reach is far and wide and manifests itself in lots if un-fun ways, like indecision. My birthday is on Saturday (the 4th of July!) and we still aren’t sure what to do. I can’t make up my mind. Go to Long Island? Go to Northampton? Stay in the city? BBQ on Friday at my friend Jen’s? I am being so annoyingly, ridiculously indecisive. Every time Nicole brings it up, I say I will think about it and then don’t. Part of me feels like nothing can compete with last year’s birthday (Cape Cod. Northampton. Engaged officially on Smith campus. Seeing a bear amble across the street.) so why try? Part of me just doesn’t want to make the decision. And another part of me just thinks, whatever.

Nice, huh?

I have a few theories from where this stems, but that is another post. And maybe for the password blog.

In the meantime, if anyone can snap me out of this, please do so.

Pictured above, a weekend BBQ with the family. Is that not the epitome of summer living? And yet I still cannot wait for fall.


K J and the kids said...

I totally understand. Maybe it's TOO much vitamin D ! :)

I went to the park with a friend and her kids yesterday (she had the day off) and she says to me...I could TOTALLY get used to being a stay at home mom and doing this.
It was if my little peep hole suddenly opened up and the lights came on the stage and you could see everything.
The 90 degree weather, us sitting in the shade with a cool breeze blowing us and keeping us the perfect temperature. Each of us holding a twin and the kids playing NICELY and together in the playground going on the 2nd hour.
What was just me sitting there in a, just-another-day going over my next plan of action to load up all of the kids, get them home in time for naps and when do the babies eat again, mode. I was in the moment and it was a pretty good moment. I wish that I could turn the lights on more often. Open up that tunnel vision.

I guess my advice for you today is....don't plan tomorrow just BE today.
(oh and tell Nicole to plan your birthday. Oh and tell me NOW what it is you are going to tell us later because I can't STAND it when you hold out on us. Lastly. thanks for letting me take up all of this space in your comments :)

Jeannine said...

I feel the same way. I have scheduled our lives so much that now my almost 2 year olds (b-day is Thursday!) remind me when it is time to do something - my daughter now adds the word "time" to everything, like "eat time" and "shopping time". Seems we do have a specific time for everything, every day. As much as the monotony gets to me, going "off schedule" sends me into panic attacks. Can't win, I guess.

I also am a fall person, although I had a great moment yesterday sitting in the backyard with my sister and my kids, feeling the sun warm my skin and watching my little ones splash in the baby pool.

Here's what helps me when I'm feeling stuck: I look at photos of the kids from a few months ago all the way back to their birth and see how quickly it is all passing. That makes me appreciate the time we have together now and that our little routine will soon be interrupted with school, sports, dancing lessons, etc. I just try to enjoy being with them. Hope you feel better, and happy birthday! (We're having a birthday party for the kids and BBQ on Saturday here in the burbs of LA if you want to come here!)

Anonymous said...

Somehow I can understand where you are coming from. And I don't know you

calliope said...

totally sounds like a dab of depression. And routine will totally bring it up.

Malea said...

You spoke about possibly getting a nanny while back.Is that still on the table? A lot of nannies hours have been cut so they are looking to pick up a few days elsewhere. That might give you at least 2 me days a week to change up the routine.