If Only All Crises Could Be Solved With Sticky Toffee Pudding

I think the holiday season drags dormant depression and angst and sadness out of everyone. Why? What is it about this time of year that has everyone a their wit’s end? Through catching up on everyone’s blogs out there it appears that I am not the only one going through this holiday madness.

But I have been doing a lot of thinking. One of my issues is that I define success through the eyes of others. How messed up is that? In my own eyes I have several accomplishments that I am proud of: I have a stable, healthy relationship with someone who I truly can call my best friend. I succeeded in quitting drinking and smoking, which was no easy feat. I finished college and two Masters degree programs. And, of course, my two girls. Most people might think having children is a gift or a blessing or whatever term you want to use. But considering how hard it was for us, and how many miscarriages and chemicals and rounds of IUI and IVF we endured, how we bent our relationship to the almost-breaking point as I dipped in extreme depression, and how lucky we were to make it to the other side of infertility, yes, I consider Madeline and Avery an accomplishment. Perhaps the biggest one.

My lesson in life is to learn to not care what other people think. Is that even possible? Can anyone do that?! Please pass on the secrets to me.

There is so much about my life that I love. Nicole, the girl, my family, my friends, my home, my life in general. I feel so lucky in so many ways. I AM lucky in so many ways. But the reality is, the truth is, the heart of the matter is I feel a bit lost sometimes on the career front, and that really can make me feel worthless and loser-like. I’ve said this before, but it doesn’t help being married to a Career Super Star. I also think I am a victim of changing focus too much: From passions to security to money to relationships to, sadly, drinking. I knew, for example, the career path I should take, but my priorities were way out of whack. Instead I poured a lot of my energy and focus into my relationship, because I feared I would not survive a broken relationship (a legacy that many people from divorced families suffer from, I think). I had to make that relationship work, no matter what. Talk about unhealthy. In the end, I never focused on anything long enough, which is why it all sort of fell apart in my 20s.

Now I am in my mid-thirties. In many ways, I have more than I ever even dreamed I would. But I still wonder what I am going to do when I grow up. I try to remember my own advice and counsel, how I believe we all have to stick our hand into the trouble bag and pull out a few misery marbles. Some people have amazing careers, but awful marriages. Some people have awesome marriages, but awful health. Some people financial security and then some, but no true friends. We all get checks in the plus column and checks in the minus column. We all have issues and crosses to bear and challenges in life, reasons to throw our hands up in the air and scream “I give up.”

This career thing is mine. And I am still trying to figure it all out.

On a bittersweet note, I am a published writer! I say this tongue-in-cheek, because really, I am a self-published author, via lulu.com. But I think it is funny, how my first dream, my only true career aspiration was to be a writer, and I am, but not in the way I thought. I cut and paste every blog entry and compiled it into two volumes. The first volume, 2006 and 2007, is almost 250 pages! It is my Christmas present to the girls, and will be every year. I am excited because I want the girls to know who I am and know how hard I try to be a good mother to them. It looks and feels like a real book: Hard cover and dust jacket and all that. I had to design the cover and flaps, so it looks a bit amateur, but still. The book is for sale on lulu, but I imagine I will be the only one buying copies. I wanted to include all the pictures, but that would make the books cost almost $150 PER copy!! And it could only then be printed in soft cover, and I am a hard cover snob.

I think all of you out there with blogs should do the same. Having everything on the computer backed up somewhere in cyberspace is great, but having it in a book form is even better. If anyone is interested, I would be happy to talk you through the process and forward templates, etc. And I will post pictures of the book when it arrives. You can see the cover and a little bit of it here.You can also read my copyright page, which in retrospect, seems like it was written after a few too many egg nogs.

Thanks for all of your comments. I think we should all commit to making 2009 the year we are really start working out some of these deep issues. Which means we all have to commit to being really really honest.

Pictured above, pictures from Nicole’s and my annual eve of Christmas eve (or eve of eve of eve of the eve) dinner at Tea and Sympathy, this tiny British south of Chelsea but just north of the West Village. I got the macaroni and cheese and she got the chicken and veggie pot pie and we split sticky toffee pudding for dessert. You might call the picture of Nicole out-of-focus (wow, how fitting for me!) and over-saturated, but I’d like to think it is a bit artistic! And wow I so want to fix that crooked picture over her right shoulder!