Things I Don’t Want to Hear on a Plane: A Fearful Flyer’s Manifesto

Things I Don’t Want to Hear on a Plane: A Scared Passenger’s Manifesto

I’ve written before about my unnecessary, unnerving and unavoidable [albeit sudden] fear of flying. I don’t know where it came from and I don’t know how to make it go away. It isn’t simply a control issue thing, as many people project, because I am also terrified when Nicole flies. She has to text me the second the plane lands otherwise I am asking around to people on the street “Did you hear anything about a plane crash?” I’m not kidding. Well, maybe that does, now that I think of it, include elements of control issues. Anyway.

I think all airline employees (pilots, flight attendants, security people and counter service people) should act like the passenger they are dealing with is scared out of his or her mind, like me, so I put forth these rules to follow:

1. No Conditional Tense: Please avoid using this tense at all times when on a plane. I don’t need to hear the insinuation that that an action (staying alive) is dependant on the occurrence of a condition (landing safely/not falling out of the sky). So I don’t want to hear a pilot say “We Should be landing” or “We Should have you on the ground…” Just say we WILL be landing or we WILL be on the ground.

2. No Turbulence Predictions: So I am on the plane, strapped in, trying to stay calm and relaxed before take off, reminding myself continuously that this is a safe and efficient form of transportation and telling myself that I am ridiculous, when the pilot comes on and says that he expects a smooth flight after North Carolina, which our pilot did indeed say on our flight down to Florida. Or on a return flight from England once the pilot warned that things might get a little bumpy over the Atlantic. Which, by the way, is most of the flight. Do they have to give these updates? As a passenger on a plane I expect that there will it pockets of turbulence, so please don’t tell me that the first 500 miles of my trip might be a veritable roller coaster. That’s sort of like driving in a car and someone announcing every pothole. “Here comes a pothole! Oops. There’s another one. Oh, and another. I bet there will be more!”

3. No Interrupted Announcements: Never ever ever start an announce “Good morning, this is the pilot….” and then switch off and leave us hanging. So many times I am on a plane and the pilot will start to make an announcement, only to suddenly stop. Most unnerving is when they stop at critical junctures, like our destination. “Good morning folks! We’ll be on our way to [switch off….long pause] Los Angeles just as soon as we are cleared for takeoff.”

4. No Technical Difficulties Announcements: Why the hell do they tell us that they are sorry for a delay, but they are fixing a mechanical error, and it should be completed in a few minutes and we should be on our way. Tell me you are waiting for the luggage to be loaded (fine) or waiting for snack cups to be delivered (fine). Don’t tell me we are sitting in this plane, take off delayed, because there is a mechanical issue or electrical issue. Just don’t.

5. Do Not Disturb the Pilot: If I asked a flight attendant a question, I don’t expect him or her to call the pilot. On our last trip to Florida, I wandered to the back of the plane and hung out n the galley with Madeline. I asked the flight attendant when we would be landing and he said “Hold on. I’ll check” and proceeded to intercom to pilot. DO NOT disturb them! Don’t you know they are busy keeping us alive? I don’t want my legacy to be a black box recording of a pilot saying answering my timing questions.

6. Don’ Use Jargon: The pilot said that our takeoff was delayed today because of “sequencing in New York.” Now does he really expect that anyone on the flight other then himself and his crew knew what that meant? Is that the new word for “circling the airport?”

That’s all I can come up with now.

We are back, safe and sound, and I am watching the RNC and sitting here typing this. The girls were pretty damn good on the plane. Both were great on the way down. Coming back, both were a little harder to contain, but that is because they just spent a week at the paradise that is Nana’s house, with the lake and two pools and driveway rocks and a sprinkler and grass and docks and fish and car rides to Target every day. They were running and playing and frolicking from the minute they woke up until the minute they went to bed. We had a great time. The girls had a great time.

Some Sticky Notes: Madeline hugged Avery for the first time. The both loved being in water. Madeline is fearless, and runs down the beach into the lake, without stopping. Avery spent a little more time paying with the sand. But both were little guppies.
Avery loves playing Peek-a-boo, and covers her eyes accordingly. Madeline covers the back of her head. Both are officially off diluted juice and are now drinkers of only milk and water. Both seem to enjoy cats. Madeline says MOM (more like ma-hum) a lot; Avery says words that sound like Mommy, Happy and Baby, but not really in context., as much as I want to think she is. Both are much more interested in books (thank God) and bring them over to us when they want them read. When I ask Madeline is she wants to go for a ride in the car, she will walk through the kitchen and into the garage and to the car. Both hand me their pacifiers before they get out of their crib because they know pacifiers are just for night-night. 15 months and 2 days. Where does the time go?

Most people have busy summers. We have a busy fall, a very busy fall. Things are going to get a little hectic round these here parts very soon. But before all that, Nicole will be off to London for work for a week. How how how how am I supposed to do it all alone?

I just bought that new book American Wife and can’t wait to read it. I read Sittenfeld’s first book (Prep) and loved it. American Wife should be interesting, politically, that is. Interesting timing.

Tune in tomorrow for even more disjointed ramblings.

Pictured above, pictures.