The Dark, Seedy Underbelly, With Extra Rolls

It isn’t all days of non-alcoholic wine and roses, as we discovered on Sunday when I flipped out after Nicole asked me if I was going to shower.

Let me set the scene: We just put the little monsters down for their naps. I was dressed already in my clothes for the day. Nicole was still in pajamas. We were alone, together, the two of us with no babies hanging from various limbs. I wanted to enjoy what precious few moments we had, and, for a change, not shower and change and jump through things-that-must-be-done-in-the-house- loops.

And so this little spark, once given a little attention and fuel, sparked into a big fire of “We never spend time together” and “You don’t pay any attention to me. It always work, work, work and the babies.” Those, if it isn’t obvious, were my gripes. Hers to me: I shut Nicole out when I feel like this (oh, irony). Nice little mess, eh?

This is just a squall (sudden, violent and brief) but it still highlights an underlying problem with parenthood: When life becomes All About The Babies, where does that leave us? Singular (me) and plural (us).

Throughout the day my first concern is for the girls (Are they safe? Content? Engaged? Fed? Clean-diapered? Eating staples found in the carpet?). There are brief interludes devoted to me (Can I shower? Can I eat? Can I open my computer and read something for five minutes? Can I get another cup of coffee?). And between it all are the tasks I must accomplish throughout the day to keep this house in order (empty the dishwasher; wash the bottles; clean the floor and the counters and the nooks and crannies; do the laundry; cook dinner; make baby food; buy the food, the list goes on and on). Similarly, Nicole has her priorities and obligations and things she needs to do. But where does that leave us? Most times, out in the cold.

When Nicole comes in with so many kisses and hugs for the girls (I do get a “Hi, Mommy” kiss), and little sweet nothings and lots of attention, for a split second I am jealous. I do come to my senses but still, it is hard finding that balance, where everyone gets what they need.

Once you have kids your life goes from Me Me Me and Us Us Us to You You You. Or, in our case, Them Them Them. I knew this would happen, and I can remember some dark days of sadness and grief when I would scream about how much I wanted our lives to have a focus other than us. So now, the weekends roll around and we are not debating if we should go to a movie or not or if we should go out for dinner or not or if we should just lay around all day and do nothing or not. The truth is sometimes I miss it, the sheer indulgence, and the luxury of having a day stretch out in front of you with not a thing to do.

I’ve said this before but I am grateful that we have a strong foundation. It is so clear to me now how couples can easily fall apart once a baby comes into the picture. But even with a solid foundation, it is hard work. A relationship can just fade so slowly that you don’t even know it is happening till it’s too late. Why aren’t there more books written about this sort of thing?

Pictured above, Miss Avery, my little dark beauty. She looks nothing like me! Also pictured, Madeline with Mommy. Is there anything cuter than a baby in a baseball cap? Or a baby trying to help do the paperwork?