More Pithy Ramblings on Careers and The Future

Dual napping is a beautiful thing. Both babies in their cribs and [sort of] sleeping makes me feel like I have accomplished something, even though it has little to do with me. A success already and it is barely 8:30!

It’s funny how my definition of success has evolved since staying at home. It’s bizarre to think of this as my career. In the middle of the whole trying to have a baby ordeal, I truly thought it wouldn’t happen. I would never have a baby so this whole staying home thing would never happen. I felt like I was being punished for drinking too much in my 20s or ingesting way too much diet coke or ruining my body in other original and creative ways. Regardless, here I am, against the odds, with two babies, happy as a clam for the most part but filled with all sorts of curiosity but mostly dread and confusion about my career future.

I miss seeing my name on a masthead, my tangible proof that I made something of my life. I could point to it, literally. See? Right here? That’s me and I have a career. Here’s the proof. My name, written down, in order of importance. No more mastheads, and now I drift in a sea of what-will-I-do when the girls go to school? What will make me happy? What will make a difference?

Several times in the past few months I’ve been asked what I do. I stay home with two babies, I say. I spend 11, 12 hours a day dealing with their every need. I feed them and bathe them [on occasion] and change them and burp them and comfort them and love them and entertain them and lay with them. I keep the house somewhat neat and send out stacks and stacks of Christmas cards. I cook sometimes and order in too. I manage to do the laundry several times a week and iron on occasion. But what some others seem to hear is I do nothing.

All that discourse about “If you paid a stay-at-home parent they would earn 175K a year blah blah blah” is all well and good but that will never happen, obviously. And in this society, unfortunately, you are judged by the salary you make. Hypothetical salaries don’t count. So while your job of raising children and creating a home might be one of the most important in the world, it almost has a street value of zero. Social workers and teachers get next to nothing while people in corporate America make their salaries times five/ten/twenty in bonuses alone.

I realize that I am lucky because it is Nicole’s Superstar Career in the Corporate America that I have disdain for that allows me this very indulgent dilemma of wondering what I will do with my own career. Staying at home to raise these girls is such a luxury, and the concept of that doesn’t escape me. It’s almost as if I hear echoes of “This family dynamic is brought to you by Nicole” as she heads off to work each morning. I am proud of her and what she accomplishes. She is such a great role model for our girls, succeeding in a male dominate industry and dealing with corporate stress day in, day out without falling apart. Our girls will most certainly look up to her and be proud of her, especially if she buys them ponies. But will they look at me as a good role model too? I wonder. There’s the mom who is the Superstar who makes the Money and who has the impressive Career. And then there is me. I make chocolate chip cookies.


In the meantime, I still need to figure out what path I will take once the girls are in school. It’s disconcerting, to be in my mid thirties and still feel like I haven’t found the career path that gives me satisfaction.

Sometimes I just want to give up trying and give up caring and just float float float through life and careers. Give up on trying to find something that satisfies. Everything is easier when you blow up the bridge connecting your heart and your brain.

Oh well.

Pictured above are Maddie and Avery in their happy after-morning-nap moods. They are so excited to see me when I go in to get them. Makes you feel like a star. No one in any office or at any job has looked at me like that!