All The News Not Fit to Air

I find myself woefully, pitifully, sadly not conversant in current affairs. I read papers less, for certain, but I do try to read the news online and watch cnn from time to time. I catch the news at the gym in the morning and then again when I get home, distracted by the girls and breakfast and coffee and all that, but still, some of it seeps in.

Recently in a bout of insomnia (like now!) I was looking around some website like ew.com. The site had a quiz: Can you name that actress based on her dress. It showed ten actresses in dresses, but their faces were blocked. I got ten out of ten. I was proud for a minute and then I thought, this is not something to be proud of. I don’t know who the president of China is, but I can recognize Reese Witherspoon in an Oscar dress.

Is there still a war in Iraq? Is there a news embargo on it? What’s Al Gore up to? Iran? How about that sleeper country, North Korea?

I really don’t think it is entirely my fault that I feel so out of touch with what is going on in the world. The news covers the sensational and likes to beat dead horses. They also run the SAME stories again and again, wasting precious chunks of time on every morning news show. Here are a few stories I would like to see banned from the morning news:

1. What to eat when you are on the road. This story is covered 5,000 times a year. Apparently we, as a nation, fall to pieces when it comes to making food choices when we are away from home. Ten miles away from our own kitchens and suddenly we are like we are starving bears, putting down two Cinnabricks buns for breakfast, a pound of bacon and Milkyways for lunch and a supersized fast food meals for dinner. And we can’t get away with it because there is some nutrionist/editor/food expert on TV who is going to offer such inspiration nuggets as “Plan ahead. Bring snacks with you on the road so you aren’t tempted to stop crappy food” and “Avoid all-you-can-eat buffets.” Personally, I love breakfast buffets, which is where invented my vacation special: Syrup and bacon soup.

2. How to exercise on the road: I don’t care how many times they tell me, I am not going to buy an elastic cord to do elastic exercises in my hotel room. Yes, I get it, they are portable and easy and oh so effective. But it’s not going to happen.

3. Health stories that really don’t tell us anything new: Less carbs, more fruits and vegetables. Exercise more/daily. Reduce stress. Try yoga. Try working out with a friend. Less salt. Go to your doctor. Do they have anything new to tell us.

4. Who to tip during the holiday season: Every year. The same story. Your doormen and hairdressers and babysitter/nanny and personal trainer and cleaning person and garbage collector and mail carrier and lawn specialists and newspaper delivery person and anyone who provides services for you throughout the year. The equilivant of one “service” or whatever you deem appropriate. Done.

5. Preemptive strike: We all heard that Little Sister Spears is pregnant. Big news this morning. Big, big news. Much bigger than war and war crimes and even the power outages in the Midwest. Are we really going to have to watch this story over and over and over again? (One tidbit: When this girl is 32—which is around the age I started trying to have a baby—this girls will have a 16 year old.) She’s 16. She’s pregnant. She is related to Britney. This shouldn’t be news.

I could go on and on and on because it is almost 2 in the morning and I have insomnia.

What happened that now every politician must say "I'm [politician's name} and I approved this ad" at the end of every televiosn spot. Did someone do something smarmy a few years back?

Pictured above is our Christmas tree “star.” Last year, we had a whole seaside theme, so we used a starfish as the star. Very fitting. But the tree was infested with spiders and some of them decided to make the starfish their home. So the starfish was tossed. And this is all we had.