Wednesday, June 27, 2007


11:30 pm. 1:30 am. 3:30 am. 4:30 am. 5:30 am. 6:30 am. This is last night’s demand-for-feedings-please times. At least I had that two-hour stretch of sleep.

And though I complain (a lot about the whole lack of sleep thing), I really do have lots of help. Nicole’s mother stayed with us for a full week and pulled all-nighters (and all dayers) with me. My sister-in-law and friends come by to help. And we have a nanny starting on Friday. Actually, the nanny is my good friend Annie, who is a kindergarten teacher with the summer off. I was anti-nanny and help (surprise, surprise: To the bitter end I insist I can do it all myself) and I was especially anti having a nanny that I didn’t know. How could I leave my children with someone I just met? Not that I will be leaving the babies—maybe to run to the food store—but I really wanted someone who I was comfortable with, who I would enjoy driving around with and going places with and, most important, who I would feel safe with my babies. I just wouldn’t get that level of comfort from someone I found on craigsli*st. We toyed with getting a night nurse, but I vetoed that.

I am still not thrilled about accepting help. This is a life-long issue. I don’t like asking for help and I don’t like getting help. I just want to be able to do it all myself, and I find it frustrating that I can’t. I will love having Annie around, because that will be social and fun so it won’t seem like I am getting help. So it sorta eases me into this getting-help scenario, which might help me in the long run be more willing to accept help.

But there should be some sort of badge for being able to do it all yourself, at least some of the time. When I was alone with the babies on Monday and managed to survive (an they survived too) I really felt so proud of myself (and them). It was empowering. We went to the post office and one store. Maddie had a meltdown in the store and Avery saved hers for the long wait at the post office. And even during those tense moments, it was still a successful trip out of the apartment together.

But it is so much easier when there is a second set of hands/lap/shoulder around.

I am starting to get into more of a groove. One of these days I will catch up on everyone’s lives. I figured out a way to pump and read on the computer and type with one hand! Nature always finds a way!

Pictured above is us with Avery. My brother gave Maddie a Madeline book and Avery got some Avery paper products. Madeline was named after madeline cookies, which bears some significance in my relationship with Nicole (long story) and Avery, well, we just liked that name. No cute little story behind her name, which makes me sad, because she might get older and lament how Maddie has this whole story around her name and there is no story around hers. I feel guilty already! But Avery is such an Avery. She couldn’t have any other name.


nailgirl said...

In a few months it will all work it self out. You are doing great.Sleep deprivation can do wierd things to you.I dont know how I survived last summer with a newborn and three other children just out of school.

K J and the kids said...

You get a medal for being out and about all ready with twins. That is great. :)
How lucky that you get to have a nanny/friend help out. Adult conversation and help. I'm SO jealous.
Cute picture :)

francesca said...

Haha, I love the Madeline book and Avery paper products -- already getting started in the stationery store! Labels for her birthday, envelopes for Christmas. You can tell her that you two used to write each other love letters with varied sizes of labels on the front :-)

Adorable photo. I know what you mean about accepting help - I also always think it'll take just as long to explain how/why to do something a certain way. But if getting help in one area of your life lets you be even better in another, then it's a good tradeoff. If you have more sleep and food, you'll be able to enjoy the babies, Nicole and your world -- and a happy mum is a good mum. Don't worry, the world will still be the same once you're on a schedule and things have sorted themselves out. Just look how absolutely gorgeous and happy those babies are, and we all know you're doing an amazing job.

Kerry Lynn said...

I just wanted to let you know at 2 months old our lives were completely different. No more fussy babies, they slept through the night (11-6 now 11-10!). The first two months were the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Just remember that what you're going through is not SUPPOSED to be easy and maybe that will help you accept that all is not perfect.

way to go on bf. I pumped as much as I could and one day it was gone. I am fine with just ff now but would have been happy with bf too. my kiddos are not constipated even though they are on similac advance with iron.

calliope said...

Lady, for next to zero sleep, you look FANTASTIC!!
As for the getting help, being ok with help, and ok beating yourself up over help - I SO hear you. I always feel like it is some monumental failure on my part if I can't just take care of everything on my own. Oh & of course I will totally help out other people.
You get like 5 million gold stars for getting help AND for getting someone that you will accept help from. That is HUGE.
xo to you, N & the girls.

lagiulia said...

Good for you for getting help. You are smart to do it so early on. Getting into the habit of asking for help is not something I developed, and it continually bites me in the ass. You guys rock, and that photo is lovely.

Melinda said...

Good lord. You got them both out to the post office?? You are a rock star. Seriously. It took me months to be able to run errands, and that was with ONE baby!

Eliza said...

Well, it took me until my second baby to start accepting any help, but I had them one at a time. If you're going to be all efficient-like then I think it makes sense to have two at once and accept help on the first go. So really you're overachieving hugely.

And awwww look at that big proud smile on Nicole's face. Love the way you assuaged the name guilt by using the Avery pic. Hahaha...I have three and know all about The Balancing Of The Guilt. One more thing you'll get used to in time.