Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Borrowed Time

This is what makes pregnancy challenging for me: As a control freak (for lack of a better word) I am forced to surrender any sort of timetable or agenda and let the cards fall where they may.

I should have learned this during the TTC journey, but alas, I didn’t. I had it all planned out: We would begin the process while I was still in graduate school and by graduation, I would be pregnant. I was certain conception would happen the first or second time. I was counting off months on calendars and weighing the merits of one month versus another for giving birth. I had this image of me, in a cap and gown, walking across that platform to accept my degree, with a little baby thriving inside of me. Oh, how that all makes me laugh now.

But the universe, in its infinite wisdom (or strange sense of humor) decided I would indeed graduate with not one but two babies inside of me. And not during my first Masters, but my second. In between, just to keep us humble I guess, we endured countless cycles and appointments and disappointments and m/c’s and an ectopic, reminder after reminder that I wasn’t the one calling the shots here.

Flash forward a couple of years, and I win the pregnancy lottery. And still, I have no control. I have no idea how much time I have left before these babies arrive or before I might be put on bed rest or before I just can’t move around at all (I’m getting close). It’s like I live on borrowed time. I repeat this like a broken record, but my friend Jen had a picture-perfect pregnancy till one of the babies kicked a hole in his sac at 31 weeks, and suddenly she was in the hospital till her babies were born just before the 35th week. And then there are countless blogs from twin mothers, like the story of a woman who goes in for a routine exam and discovered that her amniotic fluid is too low, which warrants hospital bed rest (see here). Or the woman who watched her cervix go from nice and long to way too short in a very short span of time (here). And the woman who discovered that she was having contractions but didn’t even feel it (here). Things happen, quickly, abruptly and out-of-the-blue.

I have an appointment today and I am nervous. I have been feeling different lately. Not really in a terrible or bad way, but different nonetheless. There is the whole disappearing energy thing, the joint pain and the problem with my hands. There is that constant urge to empty my bladder. I feel a heaviness around my cervix. Are the babies getting into position or dropping? Is my cervix getting shorter at all? These Braxton Hicks I keep getting, do I need to monitor them more? Should I be concerned? Is it normal to have them whenever I sit in an upright position?

The anxiety never quite disappears. I’m ashamed to admit that I still look at scary stories online about all of the terrible things that can happen. Even now, at eight months, with the big belly and the kicking babies and the almost-finished babies’ room, I know there are no guarantees. I still hold my breath when the doctor looks for the babies’ heartbeats. I still get nervous for the post-sonogram talk with the doctor. I won’t settle down until these babies are out of me safely and nestled in their cribs. And then the new worries begin.

Nicole rearranged her scheduled (or arranged it) and she is coming today too, which makes me feel better. I hope everything is ok.


calliope said...

I am so like you about the timing. Not being able to be in charge of when stuff happens is maddening!

I will be thinking of all 4 (!!) of you today.


K J and the kids said...

One thing I like about having a high risk pregnancy is that they monitor you so close. Today's appointment should make you feel at ease. :) I'm telling you...you are a champ girl. A rock star twin carrier.

The irritable uterus thing is weird. I don't even think doctors get it. Your uterus is SO DAMN big that all it can do is contract. If it didn't it could only release and the babies would fall out :) It's showing you how truly strong it is. It's holding twice the weight of a normal pregnancy. Your uterus should be in the olympics ! :) It's working out hard enough to be in them.

Only a couple of weeks to 34 weeks, and then you can work on each week as a notch in your belt. You can notch each day now as an accomplishment....you really are doing a great job.

Take it easy.....listen to your body. SLOW down. Your goal is AT LEAST 34 weeks...hopefully 38...the best way to keep that goal is to take it easy and eat :)
(like I said before...no problems....you are an overachiever, and these girls must be too :) ha ha

Carey said...

Good luck at your appt today!!

lagiulia said...

I agree, take it easy! If you need to rest most of the day, do it. That is my advice. 34 weeks is good for most - look at my boys now - but still, if you can last longer than that through resting, I say rest rest rest!

I was just thinking the other day that you will probably begin to have to slow down with your activity level. You have been SO active for so much of your pregnancy- so different from mine. I started feeling like you feeling are now at around 25 weeks. You have really done amazingly at carrying those babies! It is no wonder you are feeling it more as time goes on.
I am a little nervous that you haven't updated, so please do when you have the chance. When I had to go for my hospital stay, I didn't blog for many days, and that was why! So please, if you are home safe and sound let us know.
Take care, Jennifer!

Dee said...

Hang in there! It's getting so close. The race is really on between which one of us will deliver first.

Did you have your appointment today? How did it go.

In answer to your questions...

Our next doctor appointment is Tuesday. A week from today. We have an OB appt. followed by an Ultrasound (our last) and a NST.

And, they give us approximate weight at our Ultrasound appointments which we have every 3 weeks. Last appt., two weeks ago, she was weighing just over 5 lbs. which is a week ahead. Now the OB thinks we're measuring about 1 & 1/2 weeks ahead. I looked it up tonight and that means she's probably right around 6 lbs. Wow!