Friday, March 23, 2007

Waiting and Wanting

It seems impossible that I can get bigger than I am now, but I know that I will. How can skin stretch that much? And, more importantly, how can skin stretch back that much? I dare say it can’t. I envision a tummy tuck in my future.

This tightening I feel are most likely BH contractions. Comments and google research provide enough proof for me. I’ll bring it up with my doctor at the next appointment, but I’d like to operate under the assumption that everything is normal and right. Right?! My other fun/frightening topic for the next appointment is my out-of-breath-ness. There are times when I can’ even finish a sentence without running out of breath. And forget walking up stairs. Sometimes the trip from the bedroom to the bathroom is too much for me. I also have this weird asthma-like thing going on: It kind of gets hard to breath and my heart starts racing a bit. I have never had asthma before, but maybe it is pregnancy-induced? Or perhaps it is just panic attacks. That would seem more likely.

So much for not letting things bother me. I had another one of those things—for lack of a better word—with my mother on the phone. It is the same pattern with me: A conversation with her incites anger, which morphs into hurt and melts into pity. I still just want her to be happy. And I don’t know if she ever will. It rips me up inside.

But then I wonder what else I can do? I asked her to come to my embryo transfer and she had a roofer coming and couldn’t change it. She gives me “space” after all my D&Cs and m/c’s. She never calls me. Four years in this apartment and I can count on one hand how many times she took the train in (an hour away) to see me. (and never on her own volition). Things like that. It hurts. What can I say: I’m sensitive and easily hurt. I keep trying, keep asking, keep hoping and it leads to nowhere. And yet I feel like an infinite disappointment to her.


Again with the tightening in the uterus. I wonder if I should keep track? Maybe it is this position? Nicole's mom said that she always got BH when she went to bed or lay on the couch. That seems to be the pattern with me too.

My favorite thing to do is to wake up and before the babies wake up, have Nicole wake them up by talking to them. It works every time. Today she leaned in and started talking about the day and Baby B started to kick. Baby A followed suit. The three of them had a conversation like that. It is the most adorable, endearing, amazing thing in the world. It reminds me how lucky I am. It’s funny how we spend all of our lives waiting and wanting that sometimes we forget that we already have everything that we need.


calliope said...

wait. Being sensitive has nothing to do with it. You totally should be hurt -- anybody would be. sheesh! Have you tried guilt tripping? The woman needs to come see the adorable-ness of your nursery.
family can just suck sometimes & for that I am sorry. Such a loss.

in other news- you look effing GREAT!

K J and the kids said...

Here I am again...full of all sorts of insightful advice :) Not really. Thanks for the pictures.
I'm sorry about your mom. My mom and I didn't talk for 3 months when she found out I was pregnant with Sydney. We talked EVERY DAY so that was weird. Then, I asked her to be in the room with me during the birth. She stuck her nose up to that....that hurt the worst of all. She did come to the birth, and has been great ever since. She LOVES Sydney more than any of her own children I swear :)
It all changes when they get here. I hope these two are her first grandkids ?

The out of breath....oh girl do I remember. There is NO room so especially when they stretch out. UGH !
Drink water. I know, how could you possibly drink anymore..but that sometimes helps with the contractions. Lay down and relax. :)

If you give me your email address, I can send you some pictures of how big I got. I was GYNORMOUS !
I didn't get stretch marks until the last 3 weeks, LOVELY, they are there now and forever.

A tummy tuck would just be the tip of the iceberg for me.

I'm going to haunt your blog. I feel like I'm going through my pregnancy all over again :)

Carey said...

((((hugs))) for the situation with your mom... I'm sorry it's not the relationship you were hoping for. Perhaps after the girls get here, she'll be different??

Oh yeah... we went for another beta today!! 23 PDO: 15,751 (doubling time 42.60 hrs) Whatcha think? Are we gonna join you in the twin game?? Or course, then we might get Irish Triplets if my FET works!! LOL I'm starting to really think twins for Steph... esp. after you shared your beta # with us!!

lagiulia said...

Believe me, you can get a LOT bigger. I know it seems impossible, but you really can. Ask Bri about how I looked before I had mine at 34 weeks. She will get a horrified look on her face just thinking about it. The body keeps making room, but it does get pretty uncomfortable I admit. One good thing for you is that it looks like you aren't ridiculously big quite yet, so maybe it will still be a while until you become miserably huge (sorry to broach that thought, but well, you are having twins, sooo....). About the out of breath thing- totally normal. You have little room to breathe, and you are also carrying so much extra weight that is not distributed evenly throughout your body. I remember my husband would have to help me up the steps from about 26 weeks on because it was really hard. I'd be panting at the end of a single flight. I also think your contractions are normal. As long as your cervix is long-ish and closed, it's okay. My doctor said that 4-6 contractions per hour for a preggo with twins is still considered normal (don't take that as the end-all be-all, but that at least gives you a reference point). If I ever reclined on my back, I'd get a lot of contractions and so I stuck to the left side.

I'm sorry that your mom is not more attentive. You have reason to be hurt. I didn't have a great relationship with my parents pre-babies, and I still don't. They fall all over the boys but don't seem to be concerned about how I am until something really serious comes up like a health scare. It's frustrating, and I don't think things will change. I hope that things improve with your mom, but just know that you're going to be a mom now and can do things differently. There is both hurt and healing in that thought, I guess.

Take care, and thanks for posting a pic!