Waiting and Wanting

It seems impossible that I can get bigger than I am now, but I know that I will. How can skin stretch that much? And, more importantly, how can skin stretch back that much? I dare say it can’t. I envision a tummy tuck in my future.

This tightening I feel are most likely BH contractions. Comments and google research provide enough proof for me. I’ll bring it up with my doctor at the next appointment, but I’d like to operate under the assumption that everything is normal and right. Right?! My other fun/frightening topic for the next appointment is my out-of-breath-ness. There are times when I can’ even finish a sentence without running out of breath. And forget walking up stairs. Sometimes the trip from the bedroom to the bathroom is too much for me. I also have this weird asthma-like thing going on: It kind of gets hard to breath and my heart starts racing a bit. I have never had asthma before, but maybe it is pregnancy-induced? Or perhaps it is just panic attacks. That would seem more likely.

So much for not letting things bother me. I had another one of those things—for lack of a better word—with my mother on the phone. It is the same pattern with me: A conversation with her incites anger, which morphs into hurt and melts into pity. I still just want her to be happy. And I don’t know if she ever will. It rips me up inside.

But then I wonder what else I can do? I asked her to come to my embryo transfer and she had a roofer coming and couldn’t change it. She gives me “space” after all my D&Cs and m/c’s. She never calls me. Four years in this apartment and I can count on one hand how many times she took the train in (an hour away) to see me. (and never on her own volition). Things like that. It hurts. What can I say: I’m sensitive and easily hurt. I keep trying, keep asking, keep hoping and it leads to nowhere. And yet I feel like an infinite disappointment to her.

Alas.

Again with the tightening in the uterus. I wonder if I should keep track? Maybe it is this position? Nicole's mom said that she always got BH when she went to bed or lay on the couch. That seems to be the pattern with me too.

My favorite thing to do is to wake up and before the babies wake up, have Nicole wake them up by talking to them. It works every time. Today she leaned in and started talking about the day and Baby B started to kick. Baby A followed suit. The three of them had a conversation like that. It is the most adorable, endearing, amazing thing in the world. It reminds me how lucky I am. It’s funny how we spend all of our lives waiting and wanting that sometimes we forget that we already have everything that we need.