tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-988962265617663341.post6584021574277172593..comments2023-11-05T03:47:33.710-05:00Comments on Arcane Matters: Why Me-Time Feels Like Child AbuseJenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01233972102418274980noreply@blogger.comBlogger16125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-988962265617663341.post-24569227205067262682008-07-16T23:32:00.000-04:002008-07-16T23:32:00.000-04:00I have been back reading your blog and this one st...I have been back reading your blog and this one struck me. I do not leave Bliss well ever. I have a roomie/chosen family who I live with. I am a single mom by choice so there is not another parent but she is his aunt and I trust her. I can do grocery shopping and whatnot but aside from that I do not leave him. He is now 5.5 and still when I am running errands I often even call to check in and talk to him. To say I am clingy is an under statement. I have not, as yet, allowed myself even a yoga class but I have started a new thing. I take a very long bath with a book and read. Of course he is old enough now for me t do this but what I wanted to stress was the me time. I know to some it will sound ridiculous but for me taking that hour to lay in a tub and read a book of my choice (I even splurged and stocked up on books I had wanted from the used book store) is a big me time. I feel better after. It likely seems a tiny step but for me it has been pretty big. <BR/><BR/>I have no guilt for not leaving him ever, I have huge abandonment issues and made a choice to honor them with how I raise him. I could not do otherwise and so I accepted it. I do worry about as he gets older but for now it works.<BR/><BR/>Good luck.bleuhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00467701792949981337noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-988962265617663341.post-47504597872952835492008-04-15T10:06:00.000-04:002008-04-15T10:06:00.000-04:00I did what some of the other commenters did and it...I did what some of the other commenters did and it worked great. I interviewed several babysitters, invited my favorite one to come meet the baby (3 mo old at the time), started having her over for 4 hours once a week while I hung around doing chores or email, then after about 4 of those visits started venturing out on small but increasing errands.<BR/><BR/>That system worked really well and I eventually branched out to using her for the occassional weekend evening out.<BR/><BR/>To find her I looked at ads posted at local businesses like the coffee shops, book store, etc.<BR/><BR/>You never knpw, you might find someone you really like AND there's no need to leave the girls until you feel like she's (or he, i guess) is no longer a stranger.Ahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01642476877142319830noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-988962265617663341.post-65332530453199063662008-04-15T00:43:00.000-04:002008-04-15T00:43:00.000-04:00Is this not why we blog?You guys might want to che...Is this not why we blog?<BR/>You guys might want to check out my most recent blog....with two kids lullabies are needed. And this one is especially sweet.<BR/><BR/>http://averyopenbook.blogspot.com/judyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13787238003816041229noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-988962265617663341.post-36245066566980133102008-04-14T23:31:00.000-04:002008-04-14T23:31:00.000-04:00i have felt everything you describe here, but I am...i have felt everything you describe here, but I am not nearly as articulate as you. <BR/><BR/>here's what i wound up doing: hired a nanny and told her right off the bat that i was going to be home most of the time. the first couple months i did not leave the house, really, while she was here. i did, however, get a lot of stuff done: cleaning, showering, cooking, phone calls, emails, etc. and i could monitor everything and "help" her. i guess you call this more of a "mother's helper" situation, though this person is a VERY experienced child-carer. much moreso than me. much.<BR/><BR/>so then, after a couple months when i could totally see that the babies LOVE her and she LOVES them and we have a trusting relationship, i began going out bit by bit -just a walk here (like you describe - just walking to walk, talk on the phone, listen to NPR, whatever) or a trip to the grocery store there. and NOW I feel very comfortable leaving the babies with her for long stretches of time and going to lunch with a friend or going to work out or going to do a job or whatever.<BR/><BR/>i think it's great that you have that free daycare option - wow! but i can also understand why you're not jumping at it. i did read somewhere that kids who went to daycare do much better in early elementary school if that means anything.<BR/><BR/>and to be honest, hard work at the therapist has also helped me figure out why i feel such a need to control everything that i never wanted to leave the babies to anyone else. one of the biggest realizations was that it's actually GOOD for them to be cared for by others and to see momma go out and then always come back.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-988962265617663341.post-86721786463644420992008-04-14T23:20:00.000-04:002008-04-14T23:20:00.000-04:00I have the exact same situation over here.I do get...I have the exact same situation over here.<BR/>I do get away every night to go to work but that's not exactly what I would consider "me time".<BR/>Weekends is literally the only time Chris and I see eachother so I really have to limit my weekend activity without him.<BR/>I do have a lot of family around but not when *I* need them. And like you, if they are able to come over during a week day I feel guilty going off on my own. So we just end up hanging out together.<BR/>If you ever come up with a solution let me know!<BR/>p.s. I will never complain about doing laundry ever again.Kerry Lynnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07581127184150686924noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-988962265617663341.post-63385626962464117802008-04-14T22:01:00.000-04:002008-04-14T22:01:00.000-04:00We might make it all the way to the Czech Republic...We might make it all the way to the Czech Republic with them...but at least you would know that they are in good hands!<BR/><BR/>I have done the overnight thing with twins before. Actually, with twins, and older brother and a younger sister. (8, 3, 3, 1)<BR/><BR/>I can promise you and Nicole an evening during the summer... 3 months from now...psapph0https://www.blogger.com/profile/06484775921386317369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-988962265617663341.post-18161061967296795712008-04-14T17:27:00.000-04:002008-04-14T17:27:00.000-04:00definitely a mother's helper. someone who is just ...definitely a mother's helper. someone who is just another pair of hands for you. I was one when I was fifteen. Worked from 3 to 6 with a mother with b/b twins, one with down's. As you get used to them you 'll be able to take baby steps to walk out the door: first to the incinerator then the mailbox then an errand then maybe a ten minute massage at a cheap nail place.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-988962265617663341.post-17029040046325052202008-04-14T17:20:00.000-04:002008-04-14T17:20:00.000-04:00Popcorn sick is the WORST. The absolute worst. I...Popcorn sick is the WORST. The absolute worst. I love popcorn beyond many, many other things and since my mid 20's, I have been getting popcorn sick. At first, it was just the popcorn from the big chain theater near my house, but now it happens at all the chain theaters in town. There must be something nasty in the oil they use. So sad. I now bring my own contraband popcorn to the movies.<BR/><BR/>I've done far more than my fair share of babysitting and all the above comments sounds good - particularly in combination. Get a teen-ager to come to the mother's helper thing. The teen-ager will fall in love with the girls and you'll get to know the teenager (read train the teen-ager to do what you want) and then - when you're ready - you'll have somebody who you and the girls know and trust ready to take care of them while you and Nicole have a hot date. You can wear that bikini, but leave the crab at home.starrhillgirlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00784220720507162272noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-988962265617663341.post-65868134818184722332008-04-14T16:55:00.000-04:002008-04-14T16:55:00.000-04:00I think if you are not able to leave the kids yet,...I think if you are not able to leave the kids yet, that maybe you should hire a cleaner, get some laundry service, and pay for more prepared foods from Whole Fds. And what about a mother's helper to start, as far as a babysitting option goes? The girls are still getting attention, while you can do your own thing and spy on the sitter all at once. To be completely honest, I couldn't afford any of that, but it seems that maybe you can, so why not? I would if I could.<BR/>Leaving your kids at childcare is never easy, but I think it will because more apparent as they grow older what benefits it might have for them, if not you. Give it time.<BR/>I've had many of the same feelings you're going through, and it's not easy. I hope you feel better soon.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-988962265617663341.post-67264479591308389262008-04-14T16:00:00.000-04:002008-04-14T16:00:00.000-04:00I really hope that (a) you start doing a laundry s...I really hope that (a) you start doing a laundry service pickup and drop off (b) you find one trusting friend that you like enough to watch the twins, but don't like so much that you need to see her (c) after finding such friend you and Nicole go on a DATE! (d) you find yourself on Fire Island or some other sandy crabby place this summer with naked babies running around while you take a few moments to relax in the sun.<BR/><BR/>Mostly (d) because if you look that good in a bikini, you really need to make sure you wear it again:)Pufferfishhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03534200400439443949noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-988962265617663341.post-67704002185483943222008-04-14T13:34:00.000-04:002008-04-14T13:34:00.000-04:00oh, dude - you'll so get over it - trust me. Just...oh, dude - you'll so get over it - trust me. Just this weekend, in fact, Narda took Malka to the park for about 2 hours, just so I could clean the house without "help."<BR/><BR/>It was HEAVENLY. I LOVE Malka with every fiber of my being, but she's a LOT, and break is HEALTHY.<BR/><BR/>I didn't need the breaks however, until she was older. As in walking...<BR/><BR/>Hey - I'm thinking of taking her to the Children's museum sometime soon (after Passover) want to meet up with us?Shellihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03159550437519461534noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-988962265617663341.post-33638292033824536572008-04-14T12:02:00.000-04:002008-04-14T12:02:00.000-04:00I'm not coming from the exact same place as I went...I'm not coming from the exact same place as I went back to work full-time when P was 13 months old. Additionally, I never suffered from the guilt of leaving her because I am a horrible mother. <BR/><BR/>What IS similar (yes, there is something) is that I really felt a loss for all that me-time that I lacked once P was born. I used to savour it so much, and suddenly, it was gone. It is hardly a unique experience, so I hope you don't feel too guilty. I don't want to fall into the trap that Bri mentions, but then again, you do need to take that time for yourself, sorry. I am so much better with my daughter, and in such a better mood, if I have that opportunity for some peace and quiet. It IS needed.MsPrufrockhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06533722219016814501noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-988962265617663341.post-50169916561073685242008-04-14T12:01:00.000-04:002008-04-14T12:01:00.000-04:00I'm not coming from the exact same place as I went...I'm not coming from the exact same place as I went back to work full-time when P was 13 months old. Additionally, I never suffered from the guilt of leaving her because I am a horrible mother. <BR/><BR/>What IS similar (yes, there is something) is that I really felt a loss for all that me-time that I lacked once P was born. I used to savour it so much, and suddenly, it was gone. It is hardly a unique experience, so I hope you don't feel too guilty. I don't want to fall into the trap that Bri mentions, but then again, you do need to take that time for yourself, sorry. I am so much better with my daughter, and in such a better mood, if I have that opportunity for some peace and quiet. It IS needed.MsPrufrockhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06533722219016814501noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-988962265617663341.post-45519456309283408042008-04-14T11:18:00.000-04:002008-04-14T11:18:00.000-04:00You won't hear any Leave 'Em pep talks from me as ...You won't hear any Leave 'Em pep talks from me as I am in the precise same boat. I feel guilty and ridiculous and angry that I feel guilty. It's coming out sort of differently but it's the same shit. I think I need to write my own post about this, a companion response, if you will. But my post will have a disclaimer telling everyone to NOT tell me to go out because I don't want to hear it. Ack.Briarhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04431318790028032416noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-988962265617663341.post-68435893982773356902008-04-14T11:09:00.000-04:002008-04-14T11:09:00.000-04:00I went to school with a girl who had crabs (must b...I went to school with a girl who had crabs (must be said in the Notting Hill, flatmate voice:) ha ha<BR/><BR/>Let me just get it out there. You and Nicole HAVE to..it is a MUST, NON NEGOTIABLE...MUST have time alone together. <BR/>This means that you will need to release the fears inside and find someone related or otherwise to leave them with at night or on a weekend. <BR/>You need this. Nicole needs this. and those babies need this.<BR/>You will be a better mom. wife. person. <BR/>DO IT !<BR/><BR/>Do you have friends that would be willing to babysit. Does Nicole work with someone who has teenage daughters that would babysit. 15 year olds have ENDLESS energy. and yes...they can be trusted. Even if they turn on a Disney movie the entire time you are gone....who cares....the girls certainly won't.<BR/>Give up the control a little. <BR/><BR/>PLUS..this is a good age. A lot of time if you wait they start getting the "oh my god where is my mom" attitude. and you know what...it's ok, it will pull at your heart strings as you walk away, but I PROMISE...they will be ok, and so will you :)K J and the kidshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11768311213861195548noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-988962265617663341.post-79040126298867565322008-04-14T09:50:00.000-04:002008-04-14T09:50:00.000-04:00I took my son to look at daycares when he was a ye...I took my son to look at daycares when he was a year old. You could tell immediately that he was ready for it and that he could use the social interaction. Don't rule out the daycare option yet. Maybe wait a little longer and take them there just to see how they react to the setting. It actually made it a lot easier for me to drop him off after that initial visit. Also - what about getting some sort of laundry service for some of your laundry? If you have the extra money for it, it would be worth it to have someone else do that so you can spend time either alone, with Nicole, or with the whole family on Sundays instead of feeling like you have to get all your "chores" done. My new motto in life is that I'm not going to remember cleaning the house and doing laundry, but I'll remember taking my son to the park or the way he laughs when we're playing with bubbles. It took a litttle while for my OCD to let me get there, but eventually I got to a place where I feel like there is a good balance between the everyday things and the special things. Hope this helps.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com